Mother Mary's Soapbox

I'm Angry

2011-11-23T08:25:00.001-06:00

I'm angry. Incredibly angry. That combined with overwhelming sadness seem to be the only two emotions I'm capable of expressing over the past few days. I hate going out in public because I will inevitably see someone who is happy and I will get angry. Last night we went to dinner with my brother and his wife. About halfway through the night the anger set in. I made it home before the tears started but the ultimate result was that I was up all night, angry at myself, the world, everything. I don't feel that anyone has a right to say anything to me about it. Well meaning friends and family members will ask me how I'm doing, or god forbid, offer up one of those meaningless platitudes (I'm sooo sorry) and it will all start again.

My husband is just as sad and angry as I am. A major part of me feels that he has no right to feel that way. He didn't have to go through it. I did. I understand it was just as much his child as it was mine, but rational feelings are few and far between these days. I am angry at the hundreds of miscarriage support websites out there. They're all about grieving and letting go of a baby you lost. I didn't lose a baby. It was some sort of misshapen corpse. It wasn't some perfectly formed little angel that I could have buried and built a shrine to. It was chunks of dead tissue. That makes me angry.

I am angry at the women who tell me about their miscarriage at 5 weeks, or 6 weeks, that resulted in a a heavier than normal period. They didn't labor on a toilet and sift through what was left of their dreams to find out what had gone wrong. They built shrines to their babies. They have little angel baby references in their signatures on miscarriage message boards. I am angry that I'm scared to try again. I'm even angrier that my husband is scared to try again. It makes me angrier yet that my mother and grandmother tell me to never try again. I want more kids. I want them sooner rather than later. This has been a horrible experience. I can't give up just because of this.

My first reaction has been to crawl in a bottle of wine and spend the next six months drunk. I can't do that. I have the Bird to take care of. During the day I take care of her, but at night, I get angry. Very, very, very, angry.

And life goes on . . .

2011-11-21T08:44:00.001-06:00

Its Monday morning. The husband is back at work. The Bird is sitting next to me, still in her PJs and house shoes, and we're watching the Today show. I am dressed. My hair is fixed and I have makeup on. I am barely bleeding anymore. There is no more cramping. The physical part of this is almost over. I don't know where I am with the emotional part.

I have shed so many tears over the past several days. I wanted a real live baby with my husband out of this. I didn't get that. I feel very selfish and immature for whining about not getting something I wanted. There are worse things out there. I'm alive and healthy. I have access to modern sanitation and healthcare. Unlike other women in the world, the chances that I will have a long-term physical affect from this miscarriage is slim. I have the Bird. I have a step-daughter on the way. I have a wonderful and supportive husband. I have a house to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, and enough money left over to buy crap I don't need. Even with all of that in mind, I'm still sad.

I'm done crying. At some point it no longer helps. I know that kids need to see their parents dealing with difficult situations and the Bird definitely knows whats been going on, but I've done my best so she doesn't have to see me at my worst. She's the sort of kid that has alot of empathy and when I cry she gets upset herself. This morning she has alternated playing with sitting next to me and telling me "Don't worry mommy, I'll take care of you." There have been lots of maple syrup-laden kisses.

This morning I need to call the OB's office and let them know that the miscarriage completed. I'm also going to ask how long I need to wait before I come in to have an IUD inserted. We've decided that we want to wait awhile. We have alot of things going on over the next eight months and after all of this we no longer want to add a pregnancy to the mix. I've settled on an IUD mainly because I despise hormonal birth control as well as barrier methods. I've used the Fertility Awareness Method with much success before, but I'm just not up for any surprises right now. There is still one copper IUD on the market and I'm interested to see if its an option. Tomorrow its back to "work" for me. (I volunteer one day a week at the local nursing home) With it comes all of the inevitable questions. I will survive. Somehow.

Recovering

2011-11-20T13:48:00.001-06:00

Today I would be 12w0d. "Would" being the key word.

With the Bird I spotted until I was past 6 weeks then it stopped. With this pregnancy I spotted until a little past 6 weeks and stopped. A little over a week ago at 10w6d I went to the bathroom and noticed some bright red spotting. I called my midwife. My first midwife appointment was at 11w2d which was last Tuesday. We went down and she did her prenatal protocol. We couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler which isn't in and of itself a concern at 11 weeks but I could tell by her manner that something wasn't good. She asked me to make an appointment with my OB and have a sonogram just to confirm that everything was ok. We had a sonogram at 7w1d and found a heartbeat. Statistically if a heartbeat is found between seven and eleven weeks of gestation there is a nearly 90% chance that the pregnancy will continue uncomplicated. I made an appointment at my OB's the following morning. I explained what was going on, the spotting and general concern, and he agreed to an ultra sound. During the ultra sound it became apparent that there was no heartbeat. I looked over at my husband who was smiling ear to ear because he was seeing the baby but he doesn't have enough experience with ultrasound to see what I was seeing. Our baby had died.

After the doctor re-entered the room he explained that for some reason our child's heart had stopped beating at around 9 weeks of gestation. After a fetus dies it starts shrinking, I know that the child died shortly before I started spotting at 10w6d. We decided that I would not have a medically managed miscarriage unless it was indicated that I was not going to go on my own. That was last Wednesday. I continued to spot. That night my husband stayed home and dealt with his grief while I went to the bar and downed one scotch, one bourbon, and one beer (plus about six more beers. Thanks to my wonderful brother for helping me that night) I know it wasn't the best or healthiest decision I've made in my life but running around with a corpse inside of you fucking sucks. I came home and cried myself to sleep with my wonderful husband holding me the entire time. Thursday morning I woke up to the contractor disassembling my main floor bathroom (MY bathroom). This renovation had been planned for sometime and regardless of the situation it had to go on. I had some cramping and it was evident that I was going to complete the miscarriage on my own but I was getting impatient.

Friday at noon my husband, myself, and the Bird drove to the next largest town to us (we live in a very rural area) and went to the health food store where I found some red raspberry leaf tea and blue cohosh to help me along. While at lunch my cramping and bleeding increased so we headed home. I took my first dose of tea with the cohosh infusion at 12:30. By 3 p.m. after my daughter's nap I had to call my grandmother to pick up my daughter. The contractor was still there working on the bathroom. At 4:30 I took another dose. My DH was sleeping (he had been on night shift and had taken off the night before to sit with me) I was cooking dinner and cramping pretty good when I felt a *pop!* similar to what I felt when my water broke the first time. I now know it was the separation of the gestational sac from my body. There was a rather violent rush of blood. I said to myself "ok, I get it, I'm going." I went downstairs to the bathroom. My cramping and bleeding increased significantly. I stayed on the toilet for nearly an hour and I passed a clot about the size of a fifty cent piece. I felt a little better, put on a pad, and went upstairs to wake my DH. I told him what was going on and that I needed someone with me. Soon I had to go back downstairs and sit back on the toilet. While on the toilet I stopped feeling cramps and started feeling timeable contractions that were coming about 90 seconds apart. I tried to keep my mind off of things by reading my google reader feed on my phone and playing The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap on my DS. My DH was downstairs the entire time. At around 6:30 p.m., with the contractor on the other side of the wall, I had the urge to push. I (expelled, gave birth to, got rid of, whatever) a partial gestational sack and fetus about the side of a plum.

*Warning* Things get graphic from this point on. Please do not click any links if disturbing images bother you.

I told myself I wasn't going to look, but the (fetus, tissue, baby, etc. I'm still having issues with terminology.) fell on a piece of toilet paper and curiosity got the best of me. I retrieved it for a look. I put it in a container and filled it with water to wash away the blood. My first issue was that it smelled like death. Not rotten. But like death. I used to work in a mortuary as a hairstylist and death has a very distinctive aroma. Then I got a better look. It was obvious why I miscarried. The fetus showed signs of both diprosopus and anencephaly. Both are serious neural tube defects. Both generally come with severe heart defects. Neither have much survivability outside of the womb. Regardless of everything, I gave birth to a misshapen corpse, in a nasty bathroom (it was DH's bathroom, we all know how boy governed bathrooms are) by myself, with a contractor on the other side of the wall. It FUCKING SUCKED. My contractions and bleeding subsided almost immediately.

Two days later I am physically healing. My bleeding is about what a normal period would be. Emotionally I am suffering a hormone dump. My midwife warned me about this. I'm teary, angry, indifferent, everything. We live in a small town and one of the workers in the grocery store felt the need to pursue me with platitudes in the middle of the store. I told him I didn't want to talk about it but he persisted. I ended up yelling at him that it was none of his goddmaned business. (woo me, now I'm the crazy woman). I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to deal with it. It sucks. My toddler has been at my family's off and on since this started. Tomorrow I resolve to be people. My husband is the most awesome person on the planet. We will try again. It will be awhile before it happens. Right now we're going to focus on his daughter coming to live with us and the toddler we have. I thank god I miscarried before we got to the 20 week sonogram and had to make a terrible decision. The sort of thing that Dr. George Tiller would have helped us with prior to his murder. I don't know what I would have done in that situation. Everything happens for a reason, but still. It fucking sucks.

Toddler to Teenager in a Matter of Months

2011-11-03T20:05:00.001-05:00

I think I mentioned before that once I got married, I would have a sixteen-year-old step-daughter. That happened this last Monday (yay!) Said step-daughter lives in Germany near Berlin with her mother. Her mother and my new husband were high-school sweethearts. She was a German exchange student and he was the president of the German club. After graduation he joined the Air Force and was subsequently stationed in Germany. She and he got back together, got married and had what the Big Furry affectionately calls his Teufelkin. R was born in Germany and moved to the U.S. when she was a toddler. Later after Big Furry and her mom divorced, she was moved back to Germany. Big Furry hasn't physically seen her since she was seven years old. A few years ago R and her dad reconnected on Facebook. I've talked to my new step-daughter a handful of times on Facebook and I stalk her regularly. She seems like a normal teenager. Right now she's going through a couple of major teenage things. One is that she's going through the "I hate my mom!" phase. That's normal. The other major thing is she's having a lot of trouble in school. Her main issue is that her proficiency in German isn't what is needed to excel in the German system. Big Furry says she speaks "Dinglish" (I guess its the German form of 'Spanglish' that we get around here with Mexican immigrants) She has been in Germany for several years but this is her first year in a wholly German speaking high school. As a result she's failing. Miserably. I talked to her this morning and she told me that she very much wants to finish school and become a Pferdewirtin. She wasn't sure what the word for it was in English. My German is just bad enough that I can tell its something to do with working with horses, i.e. a groom, or trainer. Her solution to her "I hate my mom!" problems as well as the school issues is to move back to the good ol' US of A and come live with dad. In fact this morning she told me unequivocally, "When I turn 18 I'm coming to live with you and dad!"

*Insert freak out here*

My first reaction to this is to hyperventilate. I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO AS THE STEP-PARENT OF A TEENAGER! *faint*

I was in middle school when she was born. I am only barely biologically capable of having been her mother. Realistically, there is no way I would oppose this so long as Big Furry and her mom can work it out. She seems like a good kid and talking to her she seems level headed enough, but, she's a teenage girl. I was one. I KNOW. Big Furry is going to have to be the parent. I'm more than happy to provide moral support and feed her but I'm scared. There are several things to think about. One, she has a boyfriend. She's going to have to make a decision there about what she wants to do. Two, socially and legally, things are quite different here. There she can smoke pot, buy and drink beer and wine, and have sex with her twenty-two-year-old boyfriend without any interference from the law. Here, all of those things are illegal and if she does them, they will get her and others around her in trouble. Three, she lives about thirty minutes outside of Berlin. Its a city. A big one. Here there are a whopping seven thousand people in the ENTIRE county. The high school here is adequate and if she wants to work with horses we can easily get her foot in the door with that. We have friends that are both large animal vets and horse breeders. But then again, we have all of the trappings of small Midwestern towns: A socially homogeneous population that tends to shun outsiders. The high school is very cliquish. She could easily be just as miserable here as she is there, only for different reasons. She can't come here and decide that in six weeks she's homesick, or that she hates it, and buy another international plane ticket and go back. If she's here, she's here for an entire school year.

This coming Sunday there is to be a Skype conversation with all parties involved. There are lots of things to think about. There are legal issues with international custody arrangements, financial considerations, and trying to figure out what is best for both families. Big Furry has been so accommodating, accepting, and loving towards the Bird that I owe the same to him when it comes to his child. He has been caught off guard by the return to parenting a toddler. I can see where he's coming from, except he's parented a toddler before. My only experience with teenagers is having been one. If she does come to stay with us, it will be right around the time that this baby is due. I would love and appreciate any advice that anyone has on the subject. If you read this blog, post it far and wide. I'm standing on a new frontier. Hopefully its going to be a new and exciting adventure in family building and not a disaster waiting to happen.

Tomorrow is the Big Day! + Long Update about Life

2011-10-30T09:49:00.002-05:00

Life has gone insane the past few days. I'm getting married tomorrow, on Halloween, at a bar, with costumes and karaoke. My future mother-in-law has gone from sweetest lady on the planet to super-psycho "you're stealing my baby boy" lady. I'm nursing a chest cold and today I have to make our wedding cake and our flowers, finish his costume, and decorate the venue. (Procrastinate much?) Tomorrow after we take the Bird trick-or-treating we'll head out and tie the knot.

As of today I am 9w0d. I started this pregnancy thirty pounds less than I did when I was pregnant the last time. So far I have lost one pound . . . and none of my clothes fit! I can wear nothing that zips. With the Bird I didn't show until I was nearly 8 months along. Here I'm just a smidge over two months and I've got something that resembles a pudge. With the Bird I had no nausea. That's out the window with this one. I'm not miserable but I'm also not incredibly pleased with walking around the grocery store wondering if I'm going to throw up behind the canned goods. I've also had incredible mood swings. Its possible that the mood swings are due to the situation. (Two people who have known one another less than six months and who already have children finding themselves with what is essentially an unplanned pregnancy) I've been wondering if the increase in symptoms hasn't been a result of the genetic differences between the Big Furry and I. Bird's dad and I came from a very genetically similar background: A small subset of German immigrants that have been interbreeding through three different continents for the past 500 years. Big Furry is an Irish Catholic. (Both of which have my grandmother ready to keel over at any moment) Whereas Bird's dad was maybe 120 lbs soaking wet, Big Furry is just that: Big. Neither of his children weighed less than 9lbs at birth. The pregnancy isn't exactly a secret, in fact probably everyone knows by now (its an incredibly small town) but its not Facebook official yet either. Thats going to happen sometime after the first midwife appointment on November 15th.

Two weeks ago I went to my backup OB. Its the same one I used last time. I found him after I fired Dr. Dick at 37 weeks of gestation. I have severe white coat hypertension. I'd rather be hung over a pit of sharks than sitting in a Dr.'s office. I really appreciate this doctor's approach. He has a very nice "don't scare off the crazy homebirther" attitude. He's the Dr. who said to me last time "This is America, its your body, your decision." A few things have changed since the last time I saw him. He is now the head of the OB department at a new hospital in the same town. He also warned me that he has a partner who does not share his views on homebirth. I had a little bit of spotting, much like last time, and so we had a sonogram to check everything out. As suspected, its a baby, and its right where its supposed to be. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't need to see me until January when its time to do the big sonogram and then again at 36 weeks for a final update before the big day.

Now onto the Bird.

The blogging world first me tthe Bird when I was 31 weeks along. She was a little over five-months-old when I decided to take off for awhile. She is now nearly two-and-a-half-years-old. Her dad left for the army when she was six-months-old. She said "kitty" for the first time around 7 months. She walked at nine months. Her dad got his medical discharge from the army when she was 11-months-old. We ditched the diapers at 15 months. We weaned without much trouble at 16 months. The pull-ups at night went away at 18 months, as did her dad. We've dealt with quite a bit of separation anxiety that pops up once and again. She last saw "daddy in Colorado" at her second birthday party. She calls the Big Furry "daddy" and often worries that he's going to leave if she makes him angry. She has a large vocabulary and rich imagination. She has an imaginary baby kitty named Joann. She dresses herself and has my penchant for drama. She knows her abc's and can count to ten without help. She knows her colors, can unlock a droid phone and launch the random lolcat app, and can surf Netflix on the Xbox to find the documentary "Babies". (We have to watch it at least once a day) She is incredibly excited to be a sister.

For now, thats life in a nutshell. I still want to do a rundown on the Salon.com piece, but it must wait for a day or two.

A quick check in

2011-10-27T08:32:00.000-05:00

This morning's post is going to be quick. I've got company coming at my from all sides and I've got to get my running around done but here's a link to a Salon.com piece on the new personhood amendment going on the ballot in Mississippi. Legislation like this is dangerous for women and children. I'll post a longer reply once I have time to sit down and digest it all.

Im back, and pregnant again!

2011-10-26T18:20:00.002-05:00

So. I'm back. My last post was October 15, 2009. Just a little over two years ago. Things now are drastically different. The Bird's dad and I have divorced. He is living several hours away and does not see her. I've gone from working nearly full time in a library at the time of the divorce to returning to SAHM-hood. I am getting married again this coming Monday. Soon I will have a 16-year-old step-daughter who lives in Germany and whom I have never met in person. I am also pregnant! This one was planned-ish. I am going the homebirth route again. There is so much going on but once again I am in a position where blogging will be helpful/possible. I see I still have a whopping five followers. Thanks for sticking around! My goal is one post a day. The Bird is a rambunctious two-and-a-half-year-old who loves kitties more than life itself. She is über excited about being a sister. So much has changed in the birthing world: Homebirth is more visible than ever. I'm looking forward to this journey again. I hope my few followers will put out the word and that you'll all come along with me.

Sabbatical

2009-10-15T08:20:00.003-05:00

I'm going to be taking a break from blogging for awhile. Our lives are changing so quickly and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. I want to thank all of my readers for coming with me this far and I will be back.

Global Breastfeeding Challenge

2009-10-03T11:20:00.004-05:00

Today was the Global Breastfeeding Challenge sponsored by the Quintessence Foundation. I blogged about how I was going to organize a site in my hometown in this post.

I've spent the past couple of weeks calling local La Leche League leaders and members, as well as hounding the local news outlets in an attempt to get the word out. The most common response I've gotten was "You're doing what?!" I have to say the LLL leaders I've talked to were less than enthusiastic. One said that her group wasn't into "that kind of thing." Another wanted me to send information on the event to see if it was something "she could support." Only one of the five leaders I contacted sounded really enthusiastic and said she would "definitely" tell her group about it. In the end I was able to get a small write up in the very bottom corner of the last page of our local county news paper. It comes out twice a week and the article was published yesterday. I would link to the article but alas, they don't even have a website.

This morning around 10:40 I showed up at the library and asked to be let into the board room. The librarian on duty had no idea what I was talking about so I showed her the article. She looked confused but let me in anyhow. She graciously lent me some clear tape to post my sign that said "Global Breastfeeding Challenge In Here." She also offered to let me use a different board room that didn't have windows so people couldn't peek in while we were breastfeeding. I thanked her politely and said I didn't think it would be an issue. At 11 a.m. Birdie and I were the lone soldiers of the Russell Kansas version of the Global Breastfeeding Challenge. My crunchy friend showed up to be one of the witnesses and we grabbed another librarian to serve as the second witness. I conveniently forgot my camera so someone used their cell phone to take a pic of the Birdie and I. So here we are, Ms. Birdie and myself at our local 2009 Global Breastfeeding Challenge site:

I have vowed to never wear my hair like this again.

Are you Army Strong?

2009-09-29T08:23:00.002-05:00

So, I mentioned in my previous post that my husband announced that he wanted to join the Army. I guess I should have posted that my husband announced that he was joining the army. I thought we were going to be going through a decision making process. I was wrong.

I have known Jake for nearly ten years. In that entire time, never ONCE has he mentioned an interest in joining the military. I on the other hand have, every time one of our friends joins, go on and on about how I could never be a military wife. I seems I've woken up in an alternate universe.

Since I've had the baby, Jake has been working two jobs and going to school. It has tough and in all reality, we're not making it financially. The main reason we're not making it on the financial front is the $600+ we pay each month in health insurance. He gets insurance through his employer, but it isn't cheap. He's been talking about quitting school and getting a job a the dog food factory or some other manufacturing job so he can better support our family. I'm blessed to have a husband that would give up his dreams to make sure that Birdie and I have what we need, but I've been telling him to wait it out. I have seen too many men broken because they gave up their dreams for their wives and children. Its especially common around here.

Enter Uncle Sam.

I suppose this is my fault. I was sitting here reading a news story on Sunday morning about the new GI bill and how you could choose to use it to go to school or to pay off existing student loans. I made a casual remark over my coffee to the effect of how that wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. My husband perked up and said, "Well you know . . . " and then went into a spiel about the benefits of the army. Something about the way he was talking about it made my realize that he had been thinking about this for awhile and he had just been waiting to make the pitch to me. My eyeball nearly fell into my coffee cup.

After he was finished, I tried to brush it off and I rushed out the door to teach Sunday School. I seriously hoped it wouldn't come back up, but it did. In our further conversation it came out that its something that he had always wanted to do. His family has a strong military tradition. One of his life's dreams is to live in Germany. He has been studying to be a linguist and translator but his job prospects are limited without a military background. He just looked so hopeful that I would give him my blessing.

I was stuck. When your husband comes to you with a dream that you don't share, how do you shoot it down? I know that if I told him, "No way. Never. Not in a million years!" (which I would like to do) that he would respect my decision, but what about in 10 years? Would he resent me for it? Because of his schooling he would enter in at a higher rank than most. His ASVAB scores are high enough that he can pick whatever job he wants. That means it would be a substantial pay raise from what he's making now and the healthcare is free. However, it means that we would have to prepare to be separated, often for long periods of time. There is also the possibility that he could be physically hurt, mentally damaged, or killed.

We spent three hours at the recruiters yesterday. (Breastfeeding in a room full of Army recruiters and high schoolers = priceless) On Monday and Tuesday of next week he goes to the MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) in Kansas City to get his physical, take the official ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) and go through initial processing. He could go to basic training as soon as November.

I feel so conflicted. I feel like I've woken up in an alternate universe. I keep thinking that he'll wake up in the morning and change his mind. I feel shanghaied. I'm excited for the opportunity. I'm scared. Statistically it's more dangerous for me to drive to the grocery store than it is for him to patrol in a war zone, but thats not the point. I'm worried that Birdie won't recognize him when he gets back. (I've never even seen him without a beard) I hope we can handle it. I know there are tons of military families out there that do it every day and make it work. I keep going back and forth between, "I can't do this!" to "We can do this!" There's an informational packet sitting on my coffee table right now and on the cover it asks, "Are you Army strong?" Every time I look at it, all I can think is "NO! I'm not Army strong!" I have always said that I could never be a military wife, but what choice do you have when your husband, whom you love and trust, comes to you and says, "I want you to be a military wife?" I know that he's making this decision because he feels its the best for all of us. I know that he knows that he's asking me and Birdie to make some pretty big sacrifices, but he feels its all going to be worth it. I can see his side, but I just wish things aren't what they are. I can't be that dream stealer and tell him no. He wouldn't tell me no. He would follow me to the ends of the earth if I told him I was going on that long of a journey. I owe him the same.

Just a Quick Note on Having Your Life Turned Upsidedown

2009-09-28T10:03:00.002-05:00

My husband has announced that he wants to enlist in the Army. He's not the sort that makes passing decisions and when he comes out with this sort of announcement it means that he's pretty committed. I'll post more about it later but right now I'm still in shock.

Forbes has caused me to have a headdesk moment

2009-09-22T12:14:00.002-05:00

While running about the net this morning I came across an article on Forbes.com titled "Exercise During Pregnancy Keeps Newborn Size Normal." The author cites an unlinked Norwegian study about exercise and birth weight. Whadduya know, more active women have small babies. Big deal. Exercising during pregnancy is good because it keeps moms active and healthy and active and healthy moms equal active and healthy children. That's not what raised my hackles this morning.

About four paragraphs in the author states:

If a baby weighs more than 8.8 pounds, the risk of delivery problems, C-sections, postpartum hemorrhage and low Apgar scores all increase . . .

Now, I haven't extensively studied large babies and vaginal births, but I have studied "suspected" macrosomia and c-sections. What I do know is that when babies are thought to be bigger than 8.8 pounds, doctors like to perform c-sections. They think it will prevent instances of shoulder dystocia, or more importantly, it will prevent them from being sued in the event of shoulder dystocia even though studies show SD cannot be predicted at this time and that induction and c-sections do not change the rate of injury. The big baby card is often used to scare women into inductions which often lead to surgery, or to scheduling the surgery right then and there. We all know that large babies can be born naturally and that induction and cesarean do not improve outcomes. In fact, the ACOG believes that "cesarean delivery is the primary maternal risk factor associated with macrosomia."

So what does all of this have to do with the above Forbes quote? Just this: Low APGAR scores and postpartum hemorrhage are not a result of a baby weighing 8lbs. 8 oz. they are known risks of c-sections! Cesareans do not happen spontaneously. Someone, usually the doctor, decides that it must happen. We know that doctors induce more often for larger babies because they think it will reduce their risk. We know that increased inductions lead to more c-sections. Correlation does not mean causation! Just because more women with bigger babies have c-sections does not mean that more women with bigger babies need c-sections.

The Forbes article was about encouraging pregnant women to exercise. Thats fine. Exercise is good for you. It may help shorten labor. If you're healthier, then your baby will be healthier, but what the author did was buy into a modern medical myth that more often than not leads to the operating room. Just because you are having a larger baby should not mean that you are at risk for having a c-section whether or not you have any other risk factors.

Global Breastfeeding Challenge

2009-09-17T09:37:00.002-05:00

Annie over at PhD in Parenting recently blogged about the annual Global Breastfeeding Challenge. I checked it out and though "how awesome, maybe there's one near me." It turns out there wasn't. There were no participating sites in Kansas. So, I've organized one! I called our local library and the director was more than happy to let us use the boardroom. When I explained to her what it was all about she said, "Good for you! I breastfed all of my kids and I'm all for raising awarenss." How awesome is that? Both local newspapers have been notified and we're on track to have a good event.

So, if you know anyone in Kansas send them here. We're not a very big town but we're smack-dab in the middle of the state. Help me promote this far and wide.

I just had to share

2009-09-16T21:33:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to share this link. It says everything that I'm always thinking when someone goes on about "lactivists" or "boob nazis."

Gone too far ? at Hoyden About Town

Does Eating Paper Qualify as Eating Solids?

2009-09-14T15:13:00.003-05:00

Birdie is into anything that crinkles, especially paper. She has a crinkly book that just drives her batty. When she has it, she tries to eat it, scream at it, tear it up, etc. It seems to irritate her, yet at the same time, if you take it away from her she has a metldown. Its a love/hate relationship with the crinkly book. Yesterday in church, Birdie tried to devour the bulletin, in fact, she mostly succeeded. I keep wondering if eating paper constitutes an early introduction of solids . . .

The dreaded crinkly book!

Hanging with Dad on the couch

Ready for church where we know there are all kinds of things to crinkle during service

Breastfeeding in the Quad

2009-09-10T20:16:00.004-05:00

Today, Birdie and I went to campus with DH so I could do some pitching for Livinity. Birdie's Uncle Hat came along to haul her around while I was in meetings. It was a beautiful day and right after lunch I sat down on a bench in the quad to feed Ms. Birdie. Some shirts I own are "out and under" shirts, meaning, when I nurse her, I sneak the boob out of the bra and under the shirt. When I nurse like this I don't cover up, there's no need to. You can't generally tell I'm nursing unless you're looking close. Other shirts I own are "over the top" shirts. In these shirts, the only way to nurse is to pull down the neckline and go over the top. I generally cover up my chest but not the Birdie when I nurse in these shirts, otherwise I've got one big ol' breast hanging out there.

Today, I wore an "over the top" shirt. It was a sexy yet professional number. Kind of a plunge neckline that accentuated the bust but didn't show too much cleavage. It has an empire waist that I can't get out of from underneath. No biggie, I've nursed in this shirt before. Birdie and I were enjoying ourselves out in the sunshine. I don't normally cover her head because she gets upset, so I just had the blanket over me. Birdie finished nursing and in one fell swoop, she grabbed the blanket, tore it off of me, popped off the nipple, smiled, and gave a big "Ah-goo!" It was adorable. Only problem? I had one DD breast fully exposed, outside and in a public place . . . AND . . . two freshmen boys were walking by.

Now, I'm not normally a modest person, but I also don't go flinging around boobs at perfect strangers. Today, I had no embarrassment on my part, but those two poor freshmen (I assumed they were freshman, they looked really young for college guys) nearly fell over one another. I could tell they weren't trying to be disrespectful, but it definitely caught them off guard. They couldn't hide their reaction to seeing a naked breast, on a mother, in broad daylight. There was alot of stuttering and muttering. I quickly popped myself back into my bra and shirt and said cheerfully, "Don't worry! Its only a boob!" They kind of giggled and said "ok . . . " and then went on. I went back to putting myself and Birdie back together (she had of course managed to spit up by that time, its her favorite hobby) but I noticed the two kept glancing over their shoulders as they walked.

Later, I went to Kaffeestunde (college German club) with DH and retold my story (auf Deutsch). We had a really good conversation about nursing in public. I was impressed that no one had any thing to say against NIP and not once did I hear "Its ok so long as they cover up." I think today was proof that no matter how discreet you try to be, at some point, you're going to have a nursing accident. I feel so good about what I'm doing for my baby by nursing that it gives me the confidence not to run and hide when things like this happen.

I do have to admit though, at one point, I did nurse her in a bathroom today. She started screaming in the hallway while classes were in session and I knew that because of her mood, there was no way she would put up with a blanket anywhere near her. I could either struggle with a screaming baby on a narrow bench in the hall and hope that no administrator, professor, or perhaps whole class, would pop out to see me half naked and spraying milk all over my child, or, I could go in the bathroom, sit on the couch they have there and calm her down before I nursed. I chose the latter.

I know when I read stories from other nursing mothers about how they nursed in front of a stadium full of people with no shame because their babies were hungry, I think they're superheroes. I have yet to reach that superhero status. There are times when I'm not comfortable nursing in front of others. There are times when I needlessly cover up. I have yet to nurse in church. I always sneak out and go down to the nursery even though no one would have an issue with me nursing in the pew. But today, even though I could have been really embarrassed, I wasn't! I'm kind of proud of me for that :D

Oh, and Birdie cut two teeth over the weekend! They're tiny, yet oh so sharp.

Aaaaargh!

2009-09-07T16:03:00.000-05:00

AAAAArrrrgh! Teething! :(

That is all.

New Sleeping Arrangements: Part 2

2009-09-07T08:08:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I wrote about how we were considering new sleeping arrangements for the Birdie. Well, after some discussion within the house and some very thoughtful comments on my post, we decided to go ahead and move the crib into Birdie's room. It was very helpful to me to hear from other moms that Birdie would be just fine in her own room, and she was.

We moved the crib last evening to our other bedroom. This room is just down the hall from ours. When you're lying in our bed you can easily see into the nursery and into the crib. As DH put it so emphatically, "She's less than fifty feet away!" Birdie went to bed just like normal at 9 p.m. and slept just fine until her first nursing at 12:30. I went and got her, we nursed, and fell asleep for a little while. Sometime around 1:30 I went and put her back in her crib. While I enjoy snuggling with Birdie, I just don't sleep as well with her right next to me as I do when she's in her own bed. That's why we had the crib next to us. It was the best of both worlds. Baby woke up again around 2:30 as is her way and I brought her back into the bed. This time I just left her there. As a result, neither one of us got a whole lot of sleep. I was always repositioning so that I wouldn't squish her. All of my rustling around would annoy her and she'd give me *the look*. We gave up around 6 a.m. and just got up.

For our first night with baby out of the bedroom, I would give the whole experience a "C." It wasn't a total failure. There were no tears. DH and I had some nice alone time where we didn't have to worry about little eyeballs. Birdie didn't seem to mind going to sleep in her own room at all. She stirred a couple of times but in all instances she went right back to sleep.

On the other side, moving her into her own room actually increased the amount of time she spent in our bed. Prior to the move she would only be in our bed long enough to nurse and then I'd put her back in her crib because it was right there. Having her next to me most of the night reduced both our hours of sleep, the quality of our sleep, and my time snuggling with DH. I'm willing to give this new situation a try, but we need to make some improvements on the system. On my other post, one mother, (who writes her own awesome blog) suggested a second crib, or a mattress on the floor. I'm thinking the second crib idea is where we're going to go. That way, Birdie can go to sleep in her own room and then, when she comes in to nurse, I can just put her in a crib in the old arrangement. Theoretically, as she sleeps longer she will eventually transition into sleeping all night in her own room. It will be the best of all three worlds! We're going to keep things as they are for a little while. We'll do another try at our sleeping arrangements tonite. We're going to find a second crib and go forward. I want to thank everyone who commented on the original post, you ladies are *wunnerful*

Is it time?

2009-09-06T13:02:00.003-05:00

As many of you know, we co-sleep with our daughter. Her crib is right by our bed with the gate down. I nurse on cue at night and we often find ourselves falling asleep next to one another for awhile before she gets put back in her bed. I like the convenience of the situation. She wakes twice at night to nurse and recently, with her teething, it has been helpful for me to be able to comfort her before she completely wakes up so we don't have nighttime drama. DH rarely wakes up because of my night time ministrations, but this morning he announced that he thinks its time we move the Birdie into her own room.

dun, dun, duuuuuun.

DH thinks that having the baby in our room is ruining our sex life. (Isn't that what the dads always think?) In some measure it is. I'm not comfortable doing certain things in front of the Birdie. DH thinks that she's too little to be traumatized but I just can't get on board with that. We used to have a pretty . . . colorful . . . sex life but since having a baby, that has been put on the shelf for a more vanilla and G-rated relationship. I like to call it hardcore snuggling, he calls it not getting any. Of course we're creative with naptime and there are other places in the house besides the bedroom, but he's missing what we used to have. In some measure I am too.

So what are we going to do?

On one hand, I'm sure Birdie would do fine in her own room. She's a pretty secure little girl. She goes to sleep easily in her own crib. I don't think it would take much to make the transition. We would just move the crib. On the other hand, I don't know if I'm ready. I love our nighttime snuggling and nursing. She's usually fast asleep when DH and I go to bed so we have a good hour or two of adult time before she wakes for her first nursing session. DH is usually asleep by then. I feel the schedule and arrangement is working, but he's telling me its not.

For one thing, its nice to be able to nurse her while she's not completely awake. That means she goes right back to sleep and there is little disruption involved. Right now because she is so close, I wake up a few seconds before she does and one or two whimpers and its over with. I'm afraid that if she were in her own room, she would have to wake up more, and make more noise, to get my attention and bring me to her. Then I imagine we would nurse in the rocking chair and I'd have to get her back to sleep and put back down. All I'm seeing right now is more work for me.

Another thing is that, as I said before, she's a pretty secure little girl. I don't want to ruin that. I feel she is as secure as she is because of the attachment parenting. I don't want to undo everything we've worked for so far by making the transition too early. We decided against our dream vacation in order to do whats best for her. I almost feel that this situation falls under the same category.

DH is suffering from new dad syndrome. I'm not completely his anymore. Most of the time, when we go to bed, I'm so exhausted from my 18 hour day that I just want to fall asleep. He sleeps through the entire night; Birdie and I do not. Regardless of the fact that we don't do alot of work at night, I'm still losing rest. I'm only running on about 70% on any given day. That will change as time goes on but for now, she's still little and its going to be this way for awhile. DH is usually on board with anything I want to do, but I don't want him to resent our nighttime situation. One of his reasons for wanting the Birdie moved was that he doesn't want a two-year-old sleeping with us. He's afraid that if we don't transition while she's little, then we'll never get her out of our bed.

I'm not sure what to do. Moving Birdie would definitely create more work for me and I would be losing more sleep. I've asked him to give me a week to decide. For now I need input. How old were your LO's before you moved them to their own room? How did you help your other half get over new dad syndrome? What worked for you?

First Tooth!

2009-09-05T17:54:00.002-05:00

My Birdie has been a slobbering mess for the past two days. She hasn't been sleeping well, she's been cranky and demanding. We've suspected that she's been teething, but today it was confirmed. I looked in her mouth and on the lower left side there was a tiny white line. She cut her first tooth! *Squee!*

ACOG Silliness

2009-09-03T12:06:00.002-05:00

By now we've all heard about the ACOG Survey asking providers to submit instances where they had to assist during homebirth transfers. The story has made its rounds and I thought I would call attention to instances where it can be found:

The link above will take you to the original post on The Unnecesarean.

Louise Marie Roth wrote about it at HuffPo.

I really enjoyed The Keyboard Revolutionary's take on the subject.

Rachel at Our Bodies, Our Blog wrote a very intelligent post about the survey.

My favorite so far has been the Hospital Birth Survey at Enjoy Birth.

Be warned: Amy Tuteur has been poking around some of these blogs. She can have a bit of an effect on the blood pressure, so I suggest you meditate prior to reading her posts.

She wears many hats

2009-08-27T10:58:00.004-05:00

You're Potty Training Already?!?!!

2009-08-25T08:09:00.003-05:00

During my pregnancy, and long before I started blogging, I started thinking about that eternal question: Cloth or disposable? I was a cloth diaper baby. My grandma tells the story of how one time she sent me to stay with my Nonie and forgot to send along extra diapers. When she came to get me, Nonie had used a tea towel as a diaper. I really loved the idea of cloth diapers, especially when I saw things like the Bum Genius line. They looked so easy, stylish, and well . . . expensive. That was our first hurdle. The upfront investment in cloth diapers seemed like more than we could handle.

Cloth diapering comes with lots of advantages. Most of them involve environmental benefits, long term cost benefits, and being better for baby because there are no (or fewer) harmful chemicals near baby's skin. Given all these things, then maybe the upfront cost wasn't so bad. I set DH loose on the subject. He's the numbers man of the family. For cloth diapering he included the initial investment, laundry soap, water, time, etc. For disposables he counted gas for trips to the store, cost of diapers, garbage collection and so on. Our final cost analysis came out to a difference of $.04 per diaper change. Or about $100 per year savings in favor of cloth diapers. While that number may not be representative of the cost for everyone, its what we came up for us. The next question was: Is $100 per year worth it?

Our second major hurdle was that we knew NOTHING about cloth diapering. Thankfully the internet is full of resources. I found Cotton Babies particularly helpful. They have tons of resources on tips, tricks, care, and recommendations. They cater to all kinds of cloth diaper users. It was there that I learned about soakers, Chinese folds, all-in-ones, and pocket diapers. They helped me find out how many diapers I would need. Its a really good starting place for those who know next to nothing about cloth diapering. At this point we decided that cloth diapering would be the way to go. I was going to knit my own wool soakers and we were going to have a cloth baby. But then mom's stroke happened. I left my job and that upfront investment ended up being out of reach for us.

I had my heart set on cloth diapering, but we just couldn't afford the better, more natural option. (Why is our society incentivized that way? Never mind, I don't want to go on that rant.) We settled on disposables. Our local Duckwalls, (yes those still exist) has Senior Mondays. All senior citizens get an extra 10% off their purchase. Every Monday we sent my grandma in, with coupons, for diapers. We stocked up and we're still using what we bought. Every time I change a diaper (well except those middle of the night ones) I think about how much more trash we're creating. I mentioned it to my midwife one time and she told me, "Oh, well if you do it right they're not in diapers for very long anyhow." I thought sure, that sounds reasonable. I was potty trained at a year old. But then she got me, she said "With mine, I put them on the potty for the first time when they're three days old." Whaaat?

I remember a few years ago when the New York Times ran an article about infant potty training. The author declared:

"For many parents in the United States, the idea of potty training before a baby is able to walk, or even before age 2, is not just horrifying but reprehensible - a sure nightmare for parents and baby, not to mention a direct route from the crib to the psychiatrist's couch."

I completely agreed. Nonie had talked about how when she was raising her Nettie (her brother's child) she had her trained by six months. I don't know if I didn't believe it or if I just thought it was an anomaly, but I surely thought it was next to impossible. Of course you can't hang out long in the homebirth/natural family/cloth diapering community without running into Elimination Communication. The more I read about it, the more plausible it seemed. I started talking to others about it. My grandma told me that back in Russia, they trained their babies from birth. It started to sound like something I might want to do. However, the more I looked into it, the more I realized that I wasn't cut out to be a hardcore EC'er. I'm lazy. I didn't want to deal with puddles. I didn't want to be washing out a baby potty all the time. I know that those things go along with potty training, but adding those things to the spitting up and other baby quirks seemed too much, so I forgot about it.

Flash forward to three days ago. I was wandering around The Huffington Post as I am prone to do, and I found an article by Kristen Dirksen. It turns out that way back when, some big name pediatricians were paid by Procter and Gamble to say that babies shouldn't be potty trained until "they're ready." Seems that doubling the time babies spend in diapers was good for their bottom line. Corporate giants paying experts to convince mothers that their otherwise unneeded product is necessary, all the while interfering with our children's natural development? Thats just the sort of thing that gets my knickers in a knot.

As soon as I read that article, all of the EC info came rushing back to me. They suggest that babies don't want to sit in their own filth any more than you or I do. Several times the Birdie has gone to the bathroom with me and I would tell her "Mommy is putting her pee in the potty instead of her pants." I figured I was laying the groundwork for a year from now. After reading the article, I thought, why not give it a try. Three days ago, I took Birdie to the potty, removed her diaper and supported her on the toilet. I asked her "Can you pee in the potty?" It took a few moments and asking a few times, but she got a great big smile on her face, and she pee'd in the potty! I almost couldn't believe it, but it seemed so reasonable.

For the past few days now, I've taken the Birdie to the potty pretty regularly. Each time when I ask her to go for me, she smiles big and goes. Last night we pooped in the potty for the first time. This morning at 6 a.m. (which is early for the Birdie) she was really restless. She was sqirming and crinkling the diaper and otherwise not letting me sleep. I picked her up and checked her diaper. It was dry. (unusual) I took her to the potty and that girl pee'd and pee'd and pee'd. She had been holding it. We've gone through four diapers in the past day and a half. I called my brother who is in KC with my mom for a few days and sent him to the Babies 'R' Us to pick up a potty seat for the big toilet. Apparently my child wants to be potty trained. She smiles so big each time like she's really proud of herself. I don't know that we're ready to be diaper free, but at this rate I think its realistic to have her diaper free during the days by the time she's six months. Its going to be better for her because she won't be in diapers and its going to be better for the environment because we wont be creating so much trash. We're going to start working on some sort of sign for her to let me know when she has to go. If she can go on request then she is aware of the sensations and there is no reason why she can't tell me when she has to go.

I'll keep everyone posted on how this goes. I've been looking for little undies for her. Now I need to go do laundry and mentally flog myself for realizing my worst mothering fears: Poo has officially become an acceptable conversation topic.

Reducing Infant Mortality

2009-08-23T15:04:00.002-05:00

This short film is making its rounds on the internet. Its really eye opening. Give it a watch.

Reducing Infant Mortality from Debby Takikawa on Vimeo.

A call for advice: Vacationing away from a breastfed baby

2009-08-22T13:04:00.004-05:00

My entire life I've always wanted to go on a cruise to Jamaica. I'm not sure why, but the combination of ocean, sand, and rasta has always enthralled me. We were going to take a cruise for our honeymoon but it never happened. We've never had a honeymoon. So, guess what. Livinity is taking everyone on a cruise to Jamaica in March! With the bonuses I've qualified for, the whole five night cruise on Royal Caribbean is going to cost us about $300. Woohoo! Right?

Not so fast Turbo.

The cruise is from March 13-18, 2010. We would have to fly to Miami on the 12th and we would fly back on the 19th. My Birdie will be 10 1/2 months and we will still be breastfeeding. Is it possible to spend a week away from a 10 month old baby and return to breastfeeding when its over?

Ideally I would like to take her with us. That unfortunately is not an option. The cruise has a minimum sailing age of 12 months. Barring that I would like her to be at least two before we leave her for that long. That too, is not an option, seeing as how the opportunity is now. I want to go, so I've begun looking into maintaining a breastfeeding relationship with a separation of a week. So far what I've found isn't comforting. I don't think I'd have any problem keeping up my supply, but I'm afraid that she would wean during that time, and I don't want that. My goal is to breastfeed for two years. I'm not willing to risk that relationship for a cruise, no matter how cheap or how awesome.

If we were to go, she would stay here. I've got enough family right here that she is comfortable with. From talking with my Dad, Grandma, and the Birdie's Uncle Hat (I'll do a post on him one of these days) it sounds like she would even be able to sleep at home in her own crib. That would be helpful and would cut down on the change in routine. I would have enough milk stockpiled so that wouldn't be a problem. I know she would be well taken care of. I doubt she'd even have to miss church.

For me, the thought of leaving her for so long is difficult. I'm just as attached as she is. DH really wants to go. We never had a honeymoon, and she'll be nearly a year old. He's ready for a romantic getaway.

As I said before, if I can't find some reasonable advice on how to keep up the breastfeeding relationship while away, then we won't go. Breastfeeding is too important to me. Does anyone know of any good resources? I've checked out LLL and Kelly Mom but I haven't found anything really helpful yet. I may have missed it. Does anyone have experience with leaving a breastfed baby for a week? How did it work out? I know alot depends on the age of the child and its temperament. I need advice!! Send this post far and wide and find me brains. I need to decide one way or another in the next 10 days.

The cutest picture in the universe

2009-08-22T09:10:00.002-05:00

Here is my Birdie. She "vants" to be alone.

The Joys of Breastfeeding

2009-08-20T09:58:00.005-05:00

My intention was to do this post yesterday, but things got crazy. I've been doing Livinity meetings left and right.
____________________________________________

Have I ever mentioned that I love breastfeeding? Right now as I'm typing this, Birdie is on a pillow, under my left arm, nursing away. She has a hold of my shirt with her left hand and she's kneading my breast with her right one. Her eyes are closed, she's sucking at a leisured pace. She's at peace. The night before last, she woke up at 4:30 a.m. like usual for a quick snack before going back to sleep. I laid her in the bed next to me and she latched on. When she was done she popped off the breast, looked up at me, smiled the sleepiest, most angelic smile, patted my breast, and dropped off to sleep. It was bliss. I had to wake up DH so he could see her sleeping there, smiling in her sleep, with her little hand on my bosom. I'm sure mothers everywhere have had this experience. It was a genuine, heart melting moment.

We have several nursing scenarios and moods. The most common is that Birdie and I both feel that its time to come together. If I'm on the couch (my normal perch) I'll put her on the pillow and ask her "May I interest you in a bosom?" She smiles and makes the birdie face (mouth open, fist waving in front of her mouth, eyes saying "I can has?") and we go to nursing. Then there are times when she's upset. She might have gotten overly hungry because we were in the car, mom was away, or our schedule was off. Or, she might be frustrated with life. She wants to do so much more than she can right now and she gets frustrated easily. During those times I hold her close and offer her the breast. She's usually too upset to take it right away. The exchange goes something like this: I don't wanna boob! You can't make me take the boob! I don't wanna boob! Oh! A boob! YaY! suck, suck suck suck. . . Other times, like when I've left her with my dad or grandma, when I return she is so desperate for a nursing session its like having a ravenous little wolf in my arms. Those times are the Oh thank God! Its my bosom! sessions. Then there is the nighttime nurse. She will whimper a bit and I pick her up immediately and lay her next to me in bed. She latches on with a sense of ahhhhh, comfort. In all instances the sessions end the same. She pops off in what we've come to call the "fatted baby" state. Her eyes are closed, her lips are pursed, there is still milk on her lips and chin. She's not really asleep but she's definitely in stasis. At this point I usually send her to DH for a burping or just leave her on the pillow under my arm if it seems she's sleeping well.

I don't know what its like to bottle feed. I always hear that the bonding is the same between those who nurse and those who don't but I can't help thinking that its just not the same. A soft breast has to beat the hard bottle any day, but then again, I suppose that if a baby has never been breastfed then she wouldn't know the difference. I love our nursing relationship. I want it to continue for at least two years. After that we'll go with the flow and see where life takes us. I am so thankful that we've never had any problems. She has always latched well. I've never had any soreness. My supply has always been plentiful. I do wonder how much of our success can be contributed to my completely unmedicated birth and uninterrupted mommy/baby contact. I wish every woman and child could experience what Birdie and I have. Its wonderful that evolution has designed such a perfect relationship.

Back Home

2009-08-17T07:12:00.007-05:00

The Omaha event was AWESOME!!! The Going Blue Revolution is even bigger than I thought. The company is running infomercials in five major markets now and membership is exploding. Everybody is getting in. The training was amazing. They announced a new product thats going to be available in three weeks. Its called Blue Rez. Its a five-hour energy shot thats actually good for you! No stimulants, no sugar, no calories. Its mainly B vitamins and Resveratrol. For those of you who don't know, Resveratrol is one of the compounds in red wine that they're finding out has so many benefits. Dr. Oz has talked about it. Its been on 60 minutes. Is getting bigger every day. Resveratrol is the foundation ingredient in True Blue. There are lots of Resveratrol supplements on the internet these days, but True Blue is the best. Livinity's Dr. Harris has worked very hard to make sure the Resveratrol in True Blue is pure and bioavailable. I got to meet Dr. Harris over the weekend. We sat and talked for a long time about health and nutrition and he gave me some pointers on how to balance my body for optimal health. I'm going to try them out and see how it goes.

There were two major things that I took away from the Omaha conference. One is that people are making HUGE BANK doing this. There were people there that were making $10,000-$15,000 per month. It sounds crazy but its true. These people came from all walks of life. At the formal dinner, I sat next to a farmer and a cardiologist. Both were making serious money in Livinity. The second thing is that WE'RE GOING TO JAMAICA AND LIVINITY IS PAYING FOR IT!!! (Sorry for the caps people, I'm just that excited) Over spring break, Livinity is sponsoring a cruise for its members. They're running a promotion from now until December where everyone you sponsor, every pin level you achieve, every product you sell, you get money off your cruise. The incentives are totally achievable and we signed up on the spot. We've never had a honeymoon, and we always talked about Jamaica, but I never thought we would actually go. Its going to be awesome!!

So, to sum up, Livinity is awesome. They've got great products, great leadership, an advertising campaign, and a compensation plan thats making people rich. If you want to know more, or get in yourself, go here.

Alright, enough of the shameless self promotion. On to baby!

My mother always says she "doesn't travel well." Well neither does Birdie. Prior to this excursion, the longest Birdie had ever been in the car was two hours. She was two weeks when we made our last trip to the midwife. This trip was five hours plus and she was not impressed. For one thing, she hates the car seat. She's a free range baby and restraints aren't her deal. She's used to driving around town here and there. That never takes more than 15 or 20 minutes. She can handle a trip to Wal-Mart (forgive me for mentioning such an evil) Thats a 25 minute drive. She lasted a whole 40 minutes before she started protesting. This girl cried, and cried, and cried. Finally, she wore herself out and went to sleep. Then she woke up and cried, and cried, and cried. Back to sleep. The third time she woke up, she was just plain ol' pissed off. She started giving me this look:

She looks like her mum!

The trip had gone smoothly for the most part, until we got to Omaha. We had intended to leave around 11 a.m. so we would get there before rush hour. Our travelling companion got off work late due to a broken down delivery truck, so we didn't get to the city until 5 p.m. . . . on a Friday. Omaha traffic is about the same as Denver: No comparison to L.A. but still, you're not going anywhere fast. Combine this with the fact that there was a wreck (isn't there always) and you start to get an even more upset baby. Because of the wreck, traffic was at a standstill. The lack of movement woke up the Birdie who hadn't eaten in a few hours.

Before I continue I need to tell everyone that my husband is a SAINT.

Birdie got incredibly upset. DH is trying to navigate rush hour traffic. Our travelling companion "doesn't travel well" either, so she's sitting in the front seat hollering "Watch out for that truck!" every few moments even though said truck is several lanes away and no one is really moving. This went on for nearly an hour until we got past the wreck. We were almost to our exit when we saw the road construction signs. It turns out that our exit was closed and we had to detour into Iowa for several miles.

We got to the hotel just in time for registration. We ran to the room and got changed. I fed Birdie and went of to the first seminar. If you'll remember, Birdie wont take a bottle. We brought along every bottle and nipple we owned, bunches of frozen breast milk, and a sippy cup. I left my poor saintly husband and a crabby baby up in our room at the Omaha Hilton. I told him to text me if things got out of hand. About an hour into the conference I got a text. "She wont quit crying." I snuck out and went upstairs. I found my poor DH stripped to the waist trying to calm Birdie through skin to skin contact. It wasn't working. She would take about three sips from the bottle and then freak out on him. I took her from him and she stopped crying immediately. Of course this fixed the crying baby problem, but now, DH feels like a total failure. I fed her, gave her back to DH and ran out again. We would repeat this process every two hours throughout the weekend. DH tried everything. He wore her around the hotel in the Moby. He did skin to skin contact. He gave her baths. She would have none of it. The moment she got hungry all she wanted was mom.

The Birdie was really stressed by the change of environment and schedule. So long as both DH and I were with her, she was fine, but because of the intense schedule, that didn't happen very often. Both nights she just passed out from exhaustion once we were all in bed. On Saturday night there was a formal awards dinner for all of the people who had made a whole bunch of money since the last event. I'd stressed for weeks on what I was going to wear. I finally settled on this:

Engorged much? Note the cell phone right there ready for that text from DH. The president of the company took this picture. I'm not smiling big because I wasn't so sure I didn't have spinach in my teeth. How awesome would have that been?

I got called out right after dessert, ran upstairs, fed the Birdie, and then . . . She spit up. Everywhere. I had it from my shoulder to my hem. I quickly changed into something black and took the Birdie back with me to the awards ceremony. We left once the band started. It was too loud and we were leaving in the morning. We had some good family time, everyone got to unwind and go to bed relatively early.

The whole process was less than ideal, but DH deserves a medal for his patience. He did everything he could to let me have as much time as possible at the event. There was one other nursing mother there. Our babies were two weeks apart. She didn't have a husband that was willing to be tortured by a baby so she was in and out alot more than I was. We often found ourselves parked in an out of the way sitting area, nursing our babies. Both of us covered up completely so that no one freaked out on us. We were in Nebraska after all. I was surprised by the number of positive comments we got. As people would walk by (the sitting area was out of the way, but it was on the path to the closest restroom. A popular destination) they would smile at us. Some women would tell us that they missed nursing their babies. It was a really positive experience.

The trip home wasn't any better for Birdie than the trip there. No amount of making Mr. Penguin dance would console her. We finally got home last evening, but the Birdie has been traumatized. She wont let me out of her sight. She's not letting her food source get that far away again. She was so wore out after her ordeal that she slept completely through the night which of course means I woke up with basketballs on my chest. Its going to take us a day or two to get back to normal, but I think we'll be ok.

Going on a Trip

2009-08-13T17:38:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Omaha to attend the launch of the Livinity Going Blue Revolution. This will be the Birdie's first long car trip. Its only going to be a five hour trip, but thats almost three times as long as she's ever been in a car. Because this is my first car trip with a baby, I'm having a hard time deciding what all I need. We'll be travelling with one of my favorite mommy units and she has been a big help. She even offered to rent me a UHaul to bring along all the stuff I think I need. It will be me, DH, Birdie and Terri all in one room at the Omaha Hilton for the weekend.

A couple of things have me concerned about the trip. First, DH will be in charge of the Birdie all day Saturday while Terri and I are in training and then Saturday night when we attend the formal awards ceremony. DH and Birdie kind of stress one another out. DH is still a nervous father. Because he works 60+ hours a week, they don't get alot of one-on-one time together. That means when Birdie cries, DH thinks to himself "Oh no! She's crying! What do I do?" Birdie picks up on this and thinks, "Oh no! He doesn't know what to do!" This creates a vicious cycle. Birdie has learned that if she yells long enough at dad, he will find a way to produce mom.

Another issue is that Birdie still isn't keen on the bottle. She will take one from my dad, but thats it. She thinks women are holding out on her because they have breasts. She will not take a bottle from a woman She knows that if she keeps yelling at dad, mom will show up, so she doesn't take a bottle from him. Even so, we did get her to take a sippy cup the other night. We were all sitting on the couch and DH gave her pumped milk from the cup. The cup has a soft spout that she has to bite on to get the flow of milk going. She did really well, but the milk was everywhere. She doesn't quite have the hang of swallowing it yet. Hopefully the necessity of the situation will cause them to figure one another out.

The third major thing that freaks me out is that we're going to Nebraska. Nebraska is one of the last states in the union to exist without public breastfeeding laws. That means that we could theoretically be thrown out of anywhere because I'm feeding the Birdie. I'm not sure what to do about that. I guess I'll just go about my business and hope for the best. Here in Kansas I'm protected but I'll be legally exposed while on this trip.

Of course I'm totally psyched to be going to this event. I can't wait to get in on the training and to set new goals for my business but I'm wondering how I'll do without the Birdie all day and evening. I keep wondering if breastmilk will ruin my formal. Will I start leaking during a training session? Will I have time to pump in between sessions? What if she needs me while I'm away? I know these are things that working mothers deal with all the time, but they're new to me.

So, in closing, wish me luck! Hopefully I'll come home Sunday night energized, ready to build my business, and not having been thrown in jail for public nudity!

Updating Everything!

2009-08-05T08:27:00.002-05:00

Where to start?

My Birdie is three months old now. She's right on target with all of the milestones and she weighs in at 13 lbs. even. Our word, "ah-goo", has evolved into "ah-boo" and "ah-doo." Its great, she says "ah-goo" and if you say it back to her, she gets really excited. The look on her face is priceless. Its like she's saying, "Brilliant! The large ones are capable of communication!"

We have as of late run into a few snags. For one, she WILL NOT take a bottle. I left her for the first time when she was two weeks old (just for a movie) and she's always grudgingly took a bottle when I wasn't around, but in the past two weeks she has flat out refused to have anything to do with it. Once a week DH and I go to the movie, which is the only time she's really exposed to it. Recently, she gets upset when she even sees the bottle. Two weeks in a row now, my grandma had to call me to come home halfway through the movie because Birdie was hungry and wouldn't eat. We've tried every nipple known to man. We've got bottles that look like boobs from Adiri. We've followed the advice of every source I can find. None of it works. I turned down a part-time job as a HeadStart teacher this week because I don't know if I can leave her for more than a couple of hours at a time. This morning, I'm headed to the chiropractor and I'm leaving baby with G.G. (great-grandma) and DH. I'm going to top her off before I go and leave them with a bottle with the newest nipple. She's really happy in the mornings so maybe we can get her to try it again.

This refusal of the bottle has coincided with a change in her sleep patterns. She still goes to bed like she did before, but she's been having troubles going back to sleep after a feeding. Up to this point I've always fed her, burped her, and put her back in the crib which is right next to my side of the bed. She always went right back to sleep. Recently, she's been having trouble. She doesn't fuss, but she's really restless. The crinkly diaper keeps us both awake. If I pull her out of the crib and lay her next to me she goes out like a light. She seems to want to be closer, so thats what we've been doing.

On August 14-16 I'll be headed to Omaha for the launch of Livinity's Blue Revolution. I have to say, joining Livinity has been one of the best decisions I've made recently. The money coming in has taken the edge off our income troubles. Since I can do it in my own time, I don't have to worry about Ms. Birdie. I'll be headed to Omaha with my sponsor. I'll have Birdie and DH in tow to complete the travelling band.

Since I've had Birdie, I've become really interested in getting healthier. I don't want her to have to take care of me when she gets my age like my brother and I have had to do with my mom. I have been overweight since I was 12. I weighed 186 lbs. in the seventh grade. Since I've been an adult I've ranged between 163lbs at my lowest all the way up to 231 during my pregnancy. My pre-pregnancy weight was 212. Most of my problem (like most of America) has been fast food and sugary drinks. Even during pregnancy I wasn't as good as I should have been. But all of that is changing. I have put myself on a healthier eating plan (its not a diet!) I have cut out refined flours and sugars. I have cut back on my dairy and increased my fruits and vegetables. I'm eating more fish and lean chicken and less red meat. I have an exercise plan. I love to dance, but I don't like the skinny girls bopping around to salsa music that seems to be the norm on aerobic dance dvds. So, as a solution, my brother's girlfriend and I have decided to Party Off The Pounds with Richard Simmons. Its just cheesy enough to keep us interested. My goal is to lose 55lbs. total. That would put me in a healthy BMI range. I weighed myself this morning and after a little over two weeks, I've lost 8 lbs. W00t!

So, thats about it for me. However, here are some things I've come across in the past few weeks that caught my eye:

Look Barnaby! It's a breast-feeding doll!

Rixa's slings are on sale. She also had a great post about Litigation and the Obstetric Mindset.

Jennifer Block has actually sat face to face with the infamous Dr. Amy.

Jill has been busy. (I lurve this lady) Even though she lost her URL she's back warning us that pregnant women's rights are being trampled on again and again. And whadduya know, not everyone needs antibiotics for GBS.

And last, but definitely not least, is a post on Shapely Prose. The post is about rape, but I found it particularly relevant to the mindset of women who may not stand up for themselves in an obstetric situation. Be warned: They do use "colorful" language.

Its mai birfday

2009-07-25T07:57:00.001-05:00

Again?

2009-07-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

Why wont this just go away?

That's all I've got for now.

A Big Decision

2009-07-23T12:59:00.003-05:00

Our Birdie is nearly three months old. We've been aware that we need to make a decision about where to go from here. Do we have more children or is she our one and only? What its coming down to, is this decision has to be based on what is best for the Birdie and any future children we may have. The phrase "I want" needs to play a much smaller role in the process.

We know that if we are to have more children, we are unwilling to have a baby before our daughter is at least potty trained. There are various reasons behind that but its something that we both feel very strongly about. Ms. Birdie has to be our first consideration when thinking about birth control options. I am breastfeeding and I am going to do everything I can to make sure that we're still nursing at her second birthday. At this point we are delaying vaccinations so extended nursing is a must if we want her to be as healthy as possible. This means that whatever I put in my body will go into hers. Even though "they" say that hormonal birth control is safe during breastfeeding, they just don't know for sure. I can't find any decent studies that have followed little girls who were breast fed while their mothers were on hormonal birth control throughout their lives and into their childbearing years. The studies just don't exist. Without good information I can't make an informed decision on whether or not I feel safe using hormonal birth control. That means taking the pill, patch, Nuva Ring, Mirena, and shot are all out of the question. That covers a big chunk of the birth control industry.

That leaves us with barrier methods, fertility awareness method (FAM) or non-hormonal IUDs. Right now we're using condoms, but DH and I are bad at barrier methods. Because we are so unwilling to have another baby right off the bat (even though we're fully breastfeeding and the Lactation Amenorrhea Method is very effective in the first six months, we don't want any surprises) our sex life has taken a hit. The condoms pretty much take the fight out of us and we end up not having sex. We've tried sponges before and diaphragms but its just not for us. So scratch off the barrier methods.

That leaves FAM and IUDs. I have philosophical issues with IUDs. I don't know when life begins but the fact that IUDs essentially cause a miscarriage doesn't make me happy. Its my own personal hang up. Scratch the IUD.

Our only real option is FAM. We're experienced with it, thats how we got pregnant in the first place. Its cheap. Its fairly effective when used consistently. There are no drugs involved. No preparation before sex. Its nearly perfect. It just requires time and will power.

With this pregnancy I fought tooth and nail to have a homebirth. Those who advocate against home birth accuse mothers of choosing them because they are only worried about their experience. I chose a homebirth because of all the things they do to baby in the hospital. Contrary to popular belief there are many risks involved in a hospital birth. One major risk, is the risk of having a c-section. When you add the chance that a c-section may alter a baby's DNA, the risks of an unnecessary c-section are pretty high. Combine all of this with the fact that maternity care in America means you may lose your child if you refuse medical treatment, and that labor and delivery nurses write guides on how to protect yourself from over zealous doctors even though you shouldn't have to. In a country where OBs have abused their patients, and brag about their focus on money, safer options are a joke. I cannot give birth to a baby in a hospital. Not with the dismal breastfeeding support, or the pretty big chance that they would do something to baby that doesn't need to be/shouldn't be done. I wouldn't feel safe there. There are no birthing centers here. None. That means my only choice is another home birth.

My home birth was the best it could be given my choices. Regardless of the little points I could nitpick about, it went smoothly and I ended up with a natural born baby. However, I would not use the same midwife again. She was too interventive and two hours after the birth we were left to our own devices as she made the two hour drive back to her house. She left me with two pills of cytotec in the event I started bleeding. That and a telephone were our only safeguards against disaster for me or baby. By the grace of God nothing went wrong, but I am not willing to tempt fate again. If I am unwilling to give birth in a hospital because of the health risks to me and baby why would I accept different yet equally disastrous risks from a home birth? The midwife I had was the ONLY midwife that does home births in my area. There is no other choice.

At this point, we're between a rock and a hard place. We don't want another baby right now. Our options for birth control are very limited. In the event we do have another child, the options for childbirth are equally limited. We have been discussing this since before Birdie was born. We have come to our decision. We cannot in good conscience bring a child into this world given the state of maternity care for mother and baby. Its not safe. I'm sure there are many out there that would say we're being rash, or that we're only looking at what the crazies have to say. All I can say to that is, you may be comfortable with the risks but for us, the rates of autism, diabetes, autoimmune disorders and other mental issues is too high and we don't know that they aren't caused by what goes on in the delivery room. As a result, DH has scheduled a vasectomy for early next month. If we could give birth in a birthing center, or at some place like The Farm, our decision would be different. The fact is we don't have those options and our lives have us tied here. We wont be going anywhere with those options any time soon.

Of course when we first started discussing vasectomy we went through the whole "What if we really want another baby?" or "What if she feels alone without a sibling?" to "Are we cheating our families out of more grandchildren?" After discussing those questions we realized that we both feel very strongly about adoption. If in the future we decide our family isn't quite complete we hope to open our home to a child that needs us.

For me, I didn't really enjoy pregnancy (I didn't realize that until it was over) and labor was alot of work. (I'm notoriously lazy). It was all very empowering but I've had my experience. I'm happy with where I am. For DH, he feels that he would be a better father to one child than he would be to more. Both of us have an unreasonable fear of having a boy. (Please don't jump on this one. Just because we don't want a boy doesn't mean we wouldn't love one if thats what we had, or that our wanting another girl is a criticism of your love for a boy you may have) I was surprised at the sense of relief we both felt when the vasectomy was finally scheduled. It is the right decision. I doubt that many will understand our decision or our reasoning but we've come to it honestly, analytically, and with open minds. I'm just thankful that we live in a society where we can make these decisions. For now, Birdie will be our one and only and if whens she gets older she really wants a sibling, or if DH and I decide that we do have room for another child in our hearts we will look into adoption. The decision hasn't been easy but we are all very relieved to have made it.

Nursing Nonsense

2009-07-21T08:28:00.002-05:00

I've said from the start that Birdie and I have it pretty easy. We both took to nursing like the proverbial ducks to water. We nurse on cue and we've developed a workable pattern that keeps us both happy. Birdie has always dawdled on the boob. When she first latches on for a feeding she's all business, for about the first two minutes. Then we get comfy and its:

Suck, suck suck. Oh this is nice. Snooooooze . . . Wha? Oh yeah, I'm on a boob! Suck, suck suck.

That pattern keeps us nursing for about 20 to 30 minutes a feeding. I've always thought that if she sucked through the whole feeding like she does at the beginning, then we'd be done in half the time. Her latch is good and she stays latched until the end when she pops off in her zen state.
Until recently.

Birdie is getting a little bigger and has more to contend with when it comes to our nursing relationship. She can now grasp most things, which of course includes my breast. During feedings she now gets a death grip on the breast she's feeding from and holds it like its a cheeseburger thats ready to run away. DH thinks its hilarious, but little baby fingers digging into skin make things a little more difficult than usual. I keep trying to loosen her grasp, but its not working.

Then there's the new pattern. After her two minutes of business-like sucking we start doing things. We smile at the boob and come unlatched. We relatch and then in a moment or two we start talking and cooing at the boob, and come unlatched. We relatch and then the cat walks by, we now have to rubber neck and come unlatched. We relatch and then mom sneezes, which scares the daylights out of us and we come unlatched. We relatch and then the boob strikes us as funny and we laugh at the boob (my child laughs like Krusty the clown) Once again we come unlatched, and on, and on, and on. Twenty minutes of nursing is now 45 minutes, easy.

I'm not sure what to do about this "problem." On one hand, it really isn't a problem, its just takes more time. On the other hand, I've had to learn how to cross stitch while nursing because 45 minutes of lovingly gazing into my baby's eyes is a little much for the both of us. I'm assuming its just a phase, and it is pretty cute when we smile at the boob or give it our Krusty laugh. All of the latching and relatching was making the nipples unhappy but we got the nipple cream back out (haven't had to use it since day two) and set things right. I'm lucky I'm not a modest nurser because when she gets into a conversation with the boob I'm flashing nipple all over the place. I'm lucky that I have a fluid schedule and that we can deal with longer nursing sessions but I have to admit, I miss the old pattern.

Birdie Goes to the Pool

2009-07-18T17:09:00.003-05:00

Just some fluff for today. Here's my bathing beauty. We have a friend with a pool so we don't have to hit the public pool. Birdie loves the water even though she's too little to be out in the sun for very long.

Summer Tragedy

2009-07-11T10:04:00.002-05:00

Just a few days ago in our sister community, a three month old baby died after being left in a car for nearly seven hours. The temperature that day was over 100. So far, local authorities have labeled the incident a tragic accident. Its the 18th time since 2000 that this sort of thing has happened in Kansas.

I first heard about it from a friend who is a camera man for the local news station. He posted it on Facebook before it broke on the evening news. The comments instantly turned ugly.

If you didn't want kids then why did you have them?
What a stupid b1tch!
I hope they get sentenced, there is no such thing as an accident.

Really, one wonders what sort of parent could make such a "mistake." I used to hear about these things and think the same thing. I used to judge very harshly, but then I read this article in The Washington Post back in April. The article is about individual families that have experienced this sort of tragedy and how its not just something that happens to bad parents, young parents, poor parents, drugged parents etc. It can happen to normal, everyday good parents that experience what the story calls a "fatal distraction."

In each of the families profiled the parent who forgot the child in the car was either stressed out about something, had a change in routine, or weren't used to taking the child with them in the first place. All instances involved a sleeping baby that was simply forgotten when the parent left the vehicle. What is clear however, is that all of these children were wanted and loved, and their parents have to live with a sort of guilt that is, to me, unimaginable.

The point of the story is that it can happen to you too. So, what can be done to prevent this sort of thing? There is an article here that offers advice on how to make sure you don't forget your baby in the car. The advice runs the gamut from ridiculous gadgets you don't really need to good sound, common sense. Some things they suggest are:

Always put something you'll need for work -- cellphone, handbag, employee badge, etc. -- on the floor of the back seat, near the child.
Keep a large teddy bear in the child's car seat when it's not occupied. When the child is placed in the seat, put the teddy bear up front in the passenger seat. It's a visual reminder that anytime the teddy bear is in the passenger seat, the child is in the back
Make arrangements with your child's day-care provider or babysitter that you will always call them if your child will not be there on a particular day as scheduled. Ask them to always phone you if your child does not show up when expected.

You can also go to KidsandCars.org to find more safety information about children and cars.

We need to remember its summertime and with that comes more dangers for little ones. Just the other day a little girl here in town was hit by an elderly driver. The girl will be ok but its a reminder that we all need to be vigilant about our surroundings. Keeping babies and children inside isn't the answer, but with common sense and an ounce of prevention, tragedies like what happened in Hays and what happened here don't need to be part of your local news cycle.

Bonding

2009-07-06T22:50:00.002-05:00

On the Motherlode a reader, Anna, wrote in to ask advice about whether she should be stay at home mom or not. She writes about how she used to look down on SAHMs but now she thinks she might want to be one. Her characterization of the bonding process is what struck me. Anna writes:

I was jealous when my husband got to return to work at the end of his two-week leave and escape the relentless eat-burp-spitup-poop-sleep cycle. I dutifully continued to tend to the baby’s needs but I also began to count down the days until I’d get to return to work. It’s not that I wasn’t attached to the her… I was, but purely in an instinctual, “this is mine and I must protect it” sort of way. She was awfully cute when she wasn’t crying, but I can’t say the love was really there yet. It’s kind of difficult to love a bottomless pit of need that never rewards or even acknowledges any of the hard work you are putting in. In fact, not only did she withhold all positive feedback, she was always eager to point out my faults, like how I wasn’t changing her diaper fast enough.

Then something miraculous happened. Sometime around the seventh week, she smiled at me. It wasn’t the tentative flutter of a smile, probably attributable to gas, that she’d been teasing us with since she was born. It was an all-out grin that took over her entire face. She was smiling like she meant it. It turned on a valve in my heart, and out gushed all my love for this baby. I was instantly, helplessly smitten.

Anna says she was "attached" to her baby but she wasn't "in love" for several weeks. This isn't the first time I've come across the idea of delayed bonding. I've heard other mothers say it can take up to two years to "bond" with your child. I've heard women say that any woman who claims to be instantly in love with her child is lying. People claim that instant bonding is only something that happens in the animal kingdom.

Aren't we animals too?

Frankly, all of these mothers who aren't bonding with their children for weeks, months, or years, scares me. Babies thrive on love and attachment. If these mothers aren't bonding then their babies aren't either. What does this mean for these children when they grow up? The moment I held the Birdie in my arms I was filled with this overwhelming emotion I had never felt before. It was love, but it was like no other love I had ever felt before. It was like she had always been with me. She wasn't a stranger even though I didn't know her. She was my baby. I loved her. Immediately.

So why are all of these women not bonding with their babies? I had a completely med-free birth. My body and Birdie's body were at the mercy of all of those primordial hormones that are meant to tie mother to baby and visa versa. That makes Birdie a rarity in this country. As a baby born at home, she is one in a group that makes up less than one percent of babies born in this country. I don't have numbers on how many med-free births happen in this country but I'm going to suspect that they make up a small minority of the 99% of births that happen in the hospital or birth centers. We know that induction of labor and c-sections have drastically risen in the past few decades. We know that c-sections can complicate the bonding process. We also know that when labors are "augmented" by pitocin, it shuts down the body's natural production of oxytocin. Pitocin doesn't cross the placenta. Its a poor substitute for nature's natural love hormone. I suspect that all of these bonding issues come from increased use of pitocin and c-sections.

The next question I have is why are women so quick to justify their bonding issues as normal? Because its happening to so many women and because of the competitive nature of motherhood, it seems that women feel the need to normalize situations that cause guilt. The mother who hasn't bonded with her child feels guilty. In order to relieve the guilt she normalizes it. This happens to everyone. She then diminishes the experience of those who have bonded with their children. That woman who claims to have bonded immediately is either lying or an anomaly. The final step is to deny that immediate bonding even exists. Only animals bond with their young immediately. Instant bonding with human infants is a myth. What this manages to do is take an artificial situation that is harming mothers and babies and changes it into the norm. When women suggest that its not normal or ok for mothers not to bond with their babies they are told they are being judgemental as though bonding with one's child was a lifestyle decision. Instead of looking at what might be preventing women from bonding with their babies, time is spent on defending the experiences of those who didn't bond. You can find similarities in the bottle v. breast debate. There is no question that bottle feeding is an artificial construct placed on the mother/child relationship, yet you find people all over who feel the need to defend and justify its use as the norm.

I wish that people would realize that even though we are advanced thinking human beings, we are also animals, mammals to be exact. Our biology isn't that far off from our zoo-residing cousins. Provided that birth is allowed to go forward undisturbed, human mothers will bond with their babies. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but delayed bonding is not the norm. Because we are mammals we are designed to breastfeed. Because we are designed to breastfeed we are mammals. Women seem to be blindsided by wanting to stay with their babies after they are born. It is a great disservice to society when they are encouraged to leave their babies to go back to work so they can have an "identity." Until we learn to value mothers and their bonds to their babies we will continue to suffer emotional deprivation as a society.

Vaccine Chicken Out

2009-07-06T12:52:00.004-05:00

Today my Birdie was supposed to have her first well baby visit and get her first round of vaccinations. I chickened out and cancelled the appointment.

I recently read Dr. Sear's Vaccine Book and I thought I had it all figured out. We were going to fore go the Hib, PC and Rotovirus shots and still get the DTaP, Polio and MMR when they came due. There was no question about HepB, Varicella or Flu shots; She's not getting them. I've been researching from the beginning and every time I think I've got a handle on the whole risk v. benefits of childhood vaccination, something else comes up and I have to start all over again.

What it came down to for me today was that I have a hard time taking a perfectly healthy child to the doctor. I can just hear the worry warts now.

How can you KNOW she's perfectly healthy if you don't have a doctor god tell you so?!?

I know my child is healthy because she eats well and she's gaining weight. Loud noises startle her and she can follow brightly colored objects from across the room. She's smiling, babbling, and holding up her head.

The whole concept of a "well baby visit" really gets my goat. I can see the public health value of widespread health screening for childhood disorders, but do we really need to be spending money taking otherwise healthy kids to a doctors office where they are exposed to all kinds of illnesses just to identify one or two children that might need further testing? Why don't we cut health care costs by investing in education campaigns so parents know what developmental milestones their children should be reaching and help them become better judges of when their children need to see a health professional?

I know that by eschewing well baby visits I am depriving my doctor of the chance to harass me over the vaccine issue. I wonder if that isn't a major driving force behind the well baby schedule. You come in every couple of months for a well baby visit and it just so happens that you need all of your vaccinations at that time.

I guess I just haven't made up my mind yet. I want to protect my daughter but with all of the conflicting information out there, I need more time to make my decision. I think if she weren't breastfed or if she went to daycare I would be more willing to get her vaccinated. If we were going to live in a third world country there would be no question about vaccination, but our risk/benefit balance is a little more complicated than that. I just get tired of those who say "Vaccines have never hurt anyone!" (I wish they would tell that to my lawn guy who lost one twin daughter to the old DPT while the other one is permanently disabled) I get equally as tired of those in tin foil hats who claim vaccines are a joint venture between the government and big pharma to make us sicker so they can control us. As we all learned in historiography, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

I don't think vaccines are completely safe. I suspect that profit has been the driving force behind our current vaccine schedule. When Dr. Paul Offit, co-inventor of the current rotovirus vaccine, gets up and rails against those who would do the country harm by suggesting vaccines aren't completely safe, I suspect that he is partly concerned with his own bottom line. I can't figure out why we're vaccinating for chicken pox when even the best of numbers put childhood deaths from the disease at under 100 children per year. On the other hand, I believe that vaccines have saved lives, I'm just not sure which lives. No one will give me an unbiased crunch of the numbers.

At this point, I'm not going to reschedule the well baby visit. I'm comfortable in my decision and I'm going to revisit it in another year. We'll see if things have changed by then.

Breastfeeding Hurdles

2009-07-03T16:22:00.003-05:00

This morning the Birdie and I were out on our walk and we stopped by the local convenience store to grab a drink. Birdie was in her buggy and the two lady clerks stopped to ooh and ahh over the new baby. Birdie was zenned out and just staring into space. The older clerk asked, "I wonder what they think about . . . probably a bottle." I told her "Oh, she's hardly seen a bottle." The older lady looked surprised and replied, "Well, I guess thats one way to do it."

The younger clerk looked a little younger than I am. She told me,

"I thought about breastfeeding when I had my baby, but the nurses were so impatient with me. They told me 'If you're going to do it you have to do it now.' There were like twenty people in the room and I just said, 'Forget it, give me a bottle.' "

I can't imagine, I felt so bad for her. I'm afraid her experience is more common than not. I've heard from many other mothers who have had their babies at the same hospital that they have a hell of a time getting the nursing staff to obey their wishes. The most common offense seems to be giving the baby a bottle in the nursery before they are given to mom to establish breastfeeding. The other problems is "oh we gave him a bottle so you could get your rest." Why should the medical community be surprised that women are choosing out-of--hospital options for childbirth if this is the sort of support they can expect from the mainstream care system?

Baby training

2009-06-28T10:47:00.002-05:00

Recently baby training has been a hot topic in the blogosphere. PhD in Parenting did a bit on how she feels cry it out methods are unnecesarily cruel. That resulted in a pretty interesting comments section. Thr Feminist Breeder heartily disagreed with the post and I'm sure she'll be posting on the subject in the coming days. Emily Jones made her own piece on the subject in which she calls for a middle ground.

The whole idea of baby training befuddles and annoys me. I've posted on my ideas about sleep training before. It seems to me that when people decide they need to "teach" their babies to sleep a certain way, or feed them on a certain schedule, they do so out of a fear that not doing so will put them outside of the cultural norm. Now, for those parents who have a baby that wakes up every hour on the hour at night, something definately has to change, but does it have to involve abandoning the child to cry alone in the dark? It seems like there may be an underlying cause in those situations that would be better dealt with by other means than by letting baby cry.

I can't give advice to anyone. I'm incredibly new at this. All I know is what has worked for us. I've expressed before that it seems counter productive to put a wholly dependent creature as far away as possible from its caretaker. It seems even more asinine for the caretaker to resent having to "go the distance" to take care of said helpless being. Why not instead put the helpless being as close as possible to the caretaker so the caretaker has to do less work to take care of helpless creature? Brilliant!

We co-sleep. We do not sleep share because the Birdie just isn't into it, however, its damn handy to have her 18 inches away in her crib when she wakes up at 4:30 a.m. to eat. Gasp!

You mean you have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night? You let your baby sleep in your room?!?

Yeah. And I'm cool with that. We do have a schedule. Birdie goes to bed around 9 p.m. I nurse her, burp her, change her, and put her in the crib. I turn out the light and leave the room. She generally goes right to sleep. Occasionally she'll fuss. I can tell the difference between "I'm a crabby baby that can't quite regulate myself and I just need to go to sleep." and "This is freaking me out and I need my mommy or daddy NOW." If its the former, I let her go and in less than a minute or two (literally) she's out. If its the latter, then I go get her, because she obviously needs a little more love before she's ready to go to sleep. More often than not she sleeps until we're in there making noise and getting ready for bed. I nurse her once more before DH and I hit the sack then she sleeps until 4:30 a.m. when she needs to eat again. She goes right back to sleep and we all get up at 7 a.m. The whole process feels really workable and at no time have we ever let her "cry it out." I think because we haven't done that, she's more apt to go to bed willingly. Its not scary for her. We don't do the family bed because it just hasn't worked for us, though I do bring her into our bed for a good snuggle before everyone has to get up for the day. Sometimes she and I end up sleeping for a little while longer. I love it.

The other night we went to a birthday party. My friend's mom was there. She and I were talking babies and she said, "Let me tell you Mary, whatever you do, don't get that baby started on sleeping with you." She then proceeded to tell me about how she had a friend whose five-year-old still slept with them and how she thought that was weird. I said something about how when we were kids, if one of us got scared or something we would hop in bed with our parents or grandparents. In the next sentence she started to tell me about how her twelve-year-old son sleeps with her on occasion.

Am I missing something?

How is it not ok for a baby or a five-year-old to sleep with their parents but its ok for a twelve-year-old? For me, I don't think there's anything wrong with any of those situations. People like to sleep with someone. We're social creatures. Sleep was traditionally a social event. Its the western culture that has artificially altered our sleep patterns. Baby sleep trainers are designed to take our little creatures that evolution has designed to survive and make them conform to a system that works contraty to biology.

I feel the same way about baby trainers that focus on feeding schedules. We feed on cue, not on demand. How dare that baby DEMAND nourishment? The nerve! When Birdie is hungry she lets me know and I feed her. What am I supposed to do? Say "No dearie, you just ate an hour ago, so what if your tummy is tiny and breast milk digests easily, you have to wait another hour!" It just seems stupid. I eat when I'm hungry. If I get hungry an hour before lunch, then I have my lunch an hour early. Birdie does her share of comfort nursing but as a mother I can't figure out why you would want to miss out on that. If she's been having a tough day we might spend the majority of our time nursing. I don't get anything done during that time, except for nourishing, nurturing, and loving a sweet baby. What a chore!

I don't feel like what I'm doing is creating a demanding child. If I'm busy and Birdie starts fussing, I can usually just tell her "Mommy's busy I'll be there in a moment" and that chills her out long enough for me to get to a stopping point. Cooperation people! I don't know many other parents of an infant that can just put their baby in a crib to sleep and not have a bunch of crying and craziness. We've never given her a reason to cry at length, so she doesn't. I've had a few people tell me that we hold her too much but they don't live in my house so its not a big deal to me.

My little Birdie is only going to be this little once. Every day we get farther and farther away from the time when I could wholly contain her in my body. The happier she is the happier I am. The happier I am the happier she is. We are a symbiotic pair. I refuse to spend my time making her miserable just so I get an extra minute or two a day to spend on doing housework that I hate or regaining the thirty minutes of sleep that I miss out on when she wakes up to eat and snuggle at 4:30 a.m.

The Zombie Bones of Johnny Carson

2009-06-25T17:20:00.001-05:00

Envision this:

The zombie bones of Johnny Carson sitting behind his desk at the Tonight Show. He holds a an envelope to his forehead: "Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson." He opens the envelope. "Three people sitting on Johnny's couch tonight in Heaven."

It should be an editorial cartoon.

My first time away

2009-06-25T11:00:00.007-05:00

Yesterday, I had to attend a meeting for Livinity in a city three hours away. I was taking a prospect along to hear the vice president of the company speak. I wasn't sure if I could handle the Birdie by myself so I decided to leave her at home.

Birdie doesn't like to take a bottle. She'll take it once in awhile if she absolutely has to, but she doesn't like it. My friend lent me a bottle that looks like a boob but she doesn't like that much better. I took my fully serviced Birdie to my dad's house around 2:30 yesterday afternoon. I left her with a fully stocked diaper bag, three frozen containers of expressed milk, two styles of bottles, and a pacifier that she hates. I set out on my adventure feeling fancy free. It was the first time I'd been out alone and I was liking it. I picked up one of my girlfriends from college and we headed out. We rocked out to bad music and caught up on all of the gossip that we'd missed over the past year. She's a poli-sci student and headed to D.C. for her internship in the fall.

We had a good trip down. It was a beautiful hot and windy Kansas day. I love our summer weather. The meeting was at the Airport Hilton. I didn't know where it was, but I knew where the airport was so I figure we could find it. We got to town around 6 p.m. and hit Wendy's. By then I was starting to miss my baby. I'd never been away from her more than long enough to see a movie. It had already been four hours. I called my Dad to see how my Birdie was. He told me she was doing good. She had eaten off the bottle a bit and slept for awhile, but she was starting to get grumpy. My Dad let me talk to her over the phone which calmed her down. Jake was getting off work at 6 p.m. but he had to go to his second job. He wouldn't be off until 9 and then he was going to pick up the baby.

We got to the meeting site about 20 minutes before everything started. Just as we walked into the hotel I noticed my arm was wet. I was leaking. Alot. I didn't bring any breast pads. I had never been away long enough to need them. Here I was, dressed up, ready to go, and lactating all over the place. We found the first bathroom we could and by the grace of God, they had a basket of complementary maxi pads on the counter. So, I stuffed my bra with a couple of regular maxis with wings. My friend just laughed.

The meeting lasted about an hour and a half and throughout the meeting I could feel myself filling up more and more. One maxi started sagging from the weight. I'm glad I'm already buxom because it wasn't as noticeable as if I had been smaller. After the meeting I introduced my friend to the VP. We visited for a minute, I told her that it was my first time away from the baby. Then I had to tell her about the maxi pad caper. We had a good laugh but had to cut it short. I needed to get home. I was exploding. I kept imagining my dear Birdie latching on. I thought about using my empty water bottle as a pump. My pilfered maxi pads were soaked. I called home and Jake was just getting off work. He was headed to get the baby. I called my Dad. The Birdie was upset. Really upset. She refused to eat. She wouldn't sleep. I tried to talk to her and calm her down, but it didn't work so I drove a little faster.

Jake called when he picked up the baby. He said she was happy to be home, but that didn't last long. She still wouldn't eat or sleep. He said he tried giving her a bath. They went for a ride in the car. He tried everything. She wouldn't have any of it. So I drove a little faster.

I finally got back to town around 11 p.m. I was EXPLODING. I ran into the house, tore off my shirt and latched on the Birdie. We both heaved a big sigh of relief. Then I realized I was sitting there half naked in front of my friend. Its a good thing she loves me. I had Jake take her home.

I ended up overfeeding Birdie and she spit it all up but we were just glad to be back together. Even though she had eaten I had to pump just to get comfortable. I got 5 ounces out of one side. That has never happened. Today, my boobs are still messed up. Its one thing to have a stuffy nose, its another thing to have a stuffy boob. They're finally getting straightened out.

After this whole fiasco I've decided that Birdie goes where I go. Pumping and bottle feeding isn't an option for us. She won't have any of it. Poor Jake, he feels so bad that he couldn't comfort his daughter. Its not his fault. He's really good with her, but she just doesn't understand that just because its not mommy doing it doesn't mean its not right. Its got to be a big blow to his self esteem when he's been trying for hours to comfort her and all it took was for me to show up. It seems so stupid to say this, but, breastfeeding mothers were not meant to be separated from their breast fed infants. DUH!

OK, I've done it!

2009-06-22T07:48:00.004-05:00

I've done it. I've jumped off the cliff. I've decided to start my own home based business so that I can be a work at home mom. We've got to do something. DH is working 60+ hours per week at two jobs just to make ends meet. As many of you know, I live in a very small town. That means there are no real job opportunities. However, what we do have here is entrepreneurs.

When I was a kid, I took twirling lessons from a local hairstylist. She was still a teenager. Her family was dirt poor. They lived in the trailer park behind my parent's house. Long story short, she and her husband got into a direct marketing firm by accident, made a million dollars, moved back home and started their very own national direct marketing company and put their headquarters here.

The company is three years old, a member of the Direct Sellers Organization (they are the trade union for direct marketing companies, they have a code of ethics that member companies have to abide by) Probably most important in this economy, the company is debt free. They've got a product that has been on 60 Minutes, and Oprah. In August, the company is launching a national ad campaign.

I'm feeling really optimistic. All of these things are seeming to line up to great timing. I really think this company would be great for any mom who wants to work part time from home. Forget Avon, Mary Kay, Tupperware, or Pampered Chef. I think Livinity is where its at.

So, shameless promotion here.

Check out my company website. Look at the products but especially, check out the opportunity. On August 13th the company is Going Blue. If you're interested in ANY of it. Call me. I'm serious and possibly an idiot but email me first at maryeparsons@gmail.com and I'll give you my phone number. I'll answer anything I can. And if I can't answer the question, we'll call the president of the company. I just saw her in the grocery store yesterday.

June Carnival: Breastfeeding in Public

2009-06-20T06:03:00.013-05:00

Welcome carnival goers! This is my first carnival, and I'm pretty excited about participating. Some of you may recognize this post from earlier. I wrote it when my Birdie was only a few weeks old (like she's so old now at a whopping seven weeks). Someone suggested that I submit that post for the carnival. Its been edited a bit to fit in more with the theme.

Breastfeeding Oriana

Breastfeeding is weird. I'm not sure what I mean by that. I'm sitting here, watching my baby drink from my breast and I don't quite understand what I'm seeing. She's sucking diligently with her eyes closed. She's being nourished. We weighed her today using a baby sling and a fish scale from my tackle box. She's gained two pounds. Somehow my body is making food. I am food. I wonder how she views our relationship. Does she know I'm a person? Does she know she's a person? Does she feel that I'm "mom"? Or am I just food? I feel for my husband when he apologizes to his crying baby for not having food. There's not a bottle in the house.

What does it mean to be "just food?" This food is possibly the most important thing in her life right now. Its what keeps her alive and growing. She depends on me for her survival. Every couple of hours she looks at me and makes what we call the "birdie face." She opens her eyes wide, opens her mouth like a baby bird and waves her fist in front of her face. She looks at me expectantly as if to say "I can has?" The look of joy on her face when I expose a breast is well . . . joyous. I willingly and happily give her my breast and she falls on it like a ravenous wolf. Its very primal. It almost seems out of place in this modern world.

I feel no shame when I nurse in front of others. My husband's buddies still come over to visit. When my baby makes the birdie face, I bring out the breast and give it to her, regardless of who happens to be in the room. I don't cover her with a blanket. If I did then I wouldn't be able to watch her eat and change from a ravenous little animal to a sleeping little angel. When she's eaten her fill she pops off the breast with milk still on her lips. She's slipped into what my friend Mitch calls her "zen state." She looks completely at peace with the universe.

I’ve tried to cover up a few times. At first when my father or brother would come by, I’d go in the other room or try to use a cover-up, but that didn’t last very long. I wasn’t coordinated enough to keep covered and nurse at the same time, and I didn’t want to miss our visits. It turns out that I was more concerned about it than they were. Just the other day my grandfather told me I didn’t have to leave the room to nurse, he promised that he “wouldn’t watch.” Once in a restaurant I so frustrated myself and the Birdie by trying to cover up that I gave up in anger and exposed my breast to a room full of old ladies. I don’t know if anyone noticed. My baby was hungry and I didn’t care.

I find it interesting that I felt self conscious about nursing in front of my family, but not my husband’s friends. From the start I’ve had no regard for how much breast his friends see or if they feel uncomfortable about the situation. Maybe its because I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable; they don’t care when they leave an empty Mountain Dew can on my coffee table. None of them have ever said anything inappropriate or made me feel strange about it. For single, college-age guys they seem fairly enlightened. A few have expressed support for my uncensored nursing, others have said they hope their future spouses will do the same. My husband loves to watch me breastfeed. I think part of it is because he’s still in awe of the mother/birdie bond. He has admitted to being turned on by the display. I asked him how he felt about me nursing in front of his friends. He just shrugged his shoulders. To him it’s a non-issue.

It all continues to amaze me. How is it that this edible bodily fluid that I wasn't able to produce until a few weeks ago can wholly nourish a separate human being? How can it make her so happy? Food doesn't make me that happy, but then again, my food doesn't come from something soft and warm that loves me unconditionally. I've talked to friends who have nursed their babies and some have spoken about their resentment towards their child. They saw their infants as demanding creatures set out to devour their mothers. I don't understand that point of view. I understand so little about what I'm going through. I would call it bliss, but I don't know that I've ever experienced bliss before. I have nothing to compare this to.

This little person is a stranger. Even though I grew her inside of me, she is not me. She is herself. Completely separate yet part of me. We're just getting to know one another. She has her father's temperament. Sudden changes upset her, but not for long. She is happy most of the time. Just like her father, she is happiest in my arms. On a whim she'll change which breast she prefers. She'll refuse to nurse until I change sides. When I do, she's happy again. We work well together. She signals and I respond. It feels completely natural. I can already tell the difference between I'm hungry. I'm wet. I'm lonely. I want Dad. I want Mom. I'm sad. Consciously, I can't tell a difference in the sound of the cries, but my heart can tell the difference. I don't know how I learned it. Is it instinct?

I am consumed by something. It might be love. It might be maternal instinct. It could be lack of sleep. Its like she has always been with me. I would move mountains if I thought it would improve her well-being or mood. At the same time, I'm having a hard time imagining myself doing it again. I have what I wanted: A little girl, born normal and whole, healthy and strong, at home, with no complications for mother or baby. We have made so much progress already. Because she knows that I will respond as soon as she signals her need, there is no reason for her to cry at length, so she doesn't. She wakes once during the night to eat a bit, then its a diaper change and back to sleep. While I am happy to do these things for her, I don't know if I want to do it for another.

Only three weeks into motherhood I find myself struggling with my dreams for the future. Do I have to have another baby? Will my husband pine for a son if we don't try again? Will my daughter feel deprived of a sibling if we don't give her one? Where will we go from here? Three is the magic number. Is that what I really want? A significant portion of myself feels no need to do it all again.

For the first time since I decided I wanted to be a mother, I am myself. I feel complete. She is a perfect fit. It all feels perfectly natural.

A man and a woman had a little baby
Yes they did
They had three in the family
And thats the magic number

"Three Is the Magic Number" by Schoolhouse Rock

Thanks for checking me out, now head on over and check out the other carnival posts. I'll keep updating the list as more come in, so come back and see who has shown up!

Nursing in Public: Chinatown, the Subway, the Vatican, and More

Aww, is he sleeping?

Nursing in a room full of people you know

Carnival of Breastfeeding: Here? At the restaurant?

Breastfeeding in Public- Talents- I haz it

Would you, could you nurse in public?

Carnival of Breastfeeding: Nursing in Public (Boobs) Out and Proud

Nursing in Public as an Immigrant

Breastfeeding in Public

To Cover or Not to Cover

Little Old Men… & Nursing in Public

Why Worry About NIP?

Breastfeeding and the summertime

Thank You For Nursing In Public

A wee NIP in the park

Planes,trains and automobiles

Nursing in Public: A Fresh Perspective on Nurse-In's

Breastfeeding Hats? YES! Nursing Covers? Uh... Not So Much

Today Show Fail

2009-06-18T09:15:00.004-05:00

One unfortunate side effect of being a SAHH (Stay at Home Historian) is the exposure to daytime TV.

This morning on the Today Show they aired a segment called "Getting your Newborn to Sleep." The family featured in the segment had a serious problem. Their five month old infant wanted to wake up every two hours to be nursed! The horror! A baby needing to be fed every two to three hours even at night! The sleep deprived parents decided that there was something wrong with their infant they had banished to her own room on a different floor of the house so they called in the 'Dream Team.' The Dream Team consists of two moms who will come in to check out the house and family to see why their baby insists on waking up at night. Their take? The tiny baby just needs to learn to be more independent. The helpless creature needs to learn to ignore her needs so the grown adults can have their needs met. Halfway through the segment they declare success! The infant "learned" to cry herself to sleep "again and again and again." After a few days the babe's will was broken and she now sleeps 12 hours straight. The presenter (I don't know her name) tells her story about how she had the same problem. Her five month old baby still woke at night and finally her doctor told her to "cut him off cold turkey" and to stop responding to his cries. The Dream Team sympathized and explained that "Sophie" had a "very common problem" of wanting to be "nursed and rocked to sleep."

*headdesk*

Now before I go on to my rant about how everything these women stand for is horrible, wrong, and possibly dangerous, they did have one or two good ideas. Getting rid of all the noisy toys and mobiles parents put in cribs to keep babies company is a good idea. Why are you using a mechanical music box to sing the song to your child that you, a warm, loving human being could be singing? Using white noise to settle a fussy baby is a tried and true tactic. However, thats where it ends.

I understand that not every family is up to the ideas of attachment parenting but their theories on infant sleep make absolutely no sense to me! How can they possibly think its good for a baby to go hungry at night? Why are doctors telling mothers to ignore their infants? Why on God's green Earth would you think its a good thing for an infant to cry herself to sleep "again and again and again?" The Dream Team didn't tell us what their "cry it out" methods did to the breastfeeding pair. They didn't bring up the fact that babies are biologically unprepared to sleep through the night. Of course they offered no science to back up their claims, though the presenter's doctor gave her the well thought out advice to ignore her five-month-old infant. Why did these parents turn to the cry it out method in the first place? Why weren't they able to find the large volume of information out there that say babies need to eat at night? Why weren't they able to see that they were stressing themselves and their baby by putting a helpless infant as far away from them as possible during the night?

As you all know, we're co-sleeping. Bedsharing didn't work for us, the Birdie likes her space, but the crib is put next to our bed in a sidecar arrangement. She wakes once or twice at night to eat. The rest of the time if she starts getting anxious I just put out a hand and touch her. She settles right away. Babies don't have the ability to understand that you're there even when they can't see you. When a five month old baby wakes up and she's all alone, she thinks she's been abandoned. She signals her need to be cared for by the only way she knows how: She cries. If after a period of time no one responds, the baby learns that she is all alone. If she continues signalling she may alert predators to her condition, so she quits. The baby lays all alone, quiet and scared that something may get her. Eventually biology wins out and she falls back asleep. When she awakens the process starts over. How is that good for that baby?

We put our Birdie to bed at 9 p.m. I usually nurse her to sleep, lay her in the crib, turn off the light and leave the room. Around 11 p.m. when we're ready for bed, she wakes up and wants to eat. I nurse her, lay her back down, and she goes back to sleep. At night if she fusses a little, I settle her with touch. Most times all she wants is to know that I'm there. She wakes sometime between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. to eat again. Because she's right next to me, I don't have to fully wake up, tromp across the house, pull baby out of a crib, nurse her, rock her back to sleep, go back to bed, and tromp back across the house when she fusses because she wasn't really asleep. That rigamarole would make any mother resentful of her nighttime routine. The baby can pick up on mom's state of mind and reflect it back to her. The result is a stressed and fussy baby. Its a vicious circle of sleep deprivation brought about by separating mothers from their babies. I was never into parenting philosophies or anything about babies before we got pregnant. I had pretty traditional ideas about pregnancy and childbirth. I even judged friends when they told me their babies didn't sleep through the night. Once I started thinking about it, I realized its not rocket science, and I was a total b1@tch for judging those women. Why would you put a totally dependent creature as far away from you as possible?

Screw all of the hullabaloo about sleep independence. They'll sleep through the night when their bodies are ready to. Adults don't even sleep through the night. I've always gotten up once or twice to blow my nose, get a drink, go to the bathroom, whatever. Why do we think babies shouldn't do the same?

The thing that really bugs me is that the Today Show is geared towards SAHM and old ladies, the two groups that most need good information about child care practices, yet they spend their time filling those people full of crap that ultimately is bad for babies.

Ok, I'm done ranting. Watch the clip. Experience the FAIL for yourself. Then check out the links to infant sleep resources that are about making life happy for mommies AND babies.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

More Infant Sleep Resources:

Ask Dr. Sears

Mother/Baby Sleep Research

The Natural Child Project

Attachment Parenting

Breastfeeding.com

The Good Ol' Boys at the AMA are at it again!

2009-06-13T13:04:00.006-05:00

Ok, first, the AMA came out against a government run public health option. According to the article:

“The A.M.A. does not believe that creating a public health insurance option for non-disabled individuals under age 65 is the best way to expand health insurance coverage and lower costs. The introduction of a new public plan threatens to restrict patient choice by driving out private insurers, which currently provide coverage for nearly 70 percent of Americans.”

Because, you know ... the current system really works well. What exactly do they think will expand health insurance for the under 65, not disabled set? Oh, I'll bet that they want the government to mandate that those people buy insurance from organizations they hold interest in. Of course. How silly of me. They only like free market competition when it serves their interests. What it really comes down to is that the AMA is afraid that their members will lose money if the government can decide what its going to pay. No more $120 gauze patches. Shucky darn!

So, if that wasn't enough, here's this little gem.

It turns out that the AMA wants to charge non-compliant patients more. Because, “[T]he stress of dealing with ungrateful patients is adding to the stress of physicians leading to decreased physician satisfaction.” *Note* I tried to click over to the file at the AMA but it has disappeared. Hmmm.

Thats right. They want Dr. Dick to be able to charge me more because I was ungrateful that he tried to scare me and ordered a whole slew of unnecessary tests. I'm affecting his level of satisfaction. Does the AMA think that I, the patient, exist to serve the doctor? What about the satisfaction of all those women herded in for unnecessary abdominal surgery? Can they charge the doctors for their dissatisfaction? The AMA wants the healthcare system to be part of the free market but when patients demand better value for their dollar by not going for every single intervention their doctor tells them they need, the AMA wants those patients to be penalized. There is no other industry I can think of that works like that.

I understand that the medical community is fearful for their futures. They're losing respect. I have to admit, when I go to the doctor part of me feels that because I'm paying for him, he is there to serve me. At some level he's a glorified mechanic. Thats the reality of treating doctors as part of the free market system. The population is getting smarter as a whole. Now when your doctor tells you something, you can go online and find out if what they're prescribing is in your best interest. Informed patients reduce medical costs, it it seems like the AMA only wants to pay lip service to healthcare reform. There is a serious God complex within the medical community and its running up against an ever more involved and informed population. Deepak Chopra recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post about how the medical establishment is now so reactionary that it has taken to attacking Oprah for offering her views on alternative medicine. At least the AMA hasn't come out and made a resolution against Oprah like they did Ricki Lake.

If we're going to reform the healthcare system, patients need to be full partners in their healthcare. Its your own body we're talking about. The days are gone when doctors were treated as medical gods. They're human. They have conflicts of interest. Patients have to fight to get the healthcare they deserve. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either sadly naive, or he works for the AMA.

My position on abortion

2009-06-10T19:13:00.004-05:00

After looking back at my previous posts about Dr. Tiller and then the case of Emmie, it seems that my stance on abortion may be a little bit unclear, so, I'd like to clear it up.

I adamantly Pro-Life Choice. I believe abortion should be legal but rare. In the case of rape, incest, the life of the mother, or quality of life of the child, abortion should be absolutely available. I do not believe abortion should be used as or equated with birth control. There are lots of methods out there to prevent conception. They should be used. I don't know if I believe that life begins at conception. Perhaps more importantly, I don't know that life does not begin at conception. I'd like to err on the side of caution. For me, that means I'm iffy about using an IUD.

So, who do I think should have an abortion? Ideally, no one, but this is not an ideal world.

If a woman is in a situation where she can not conceivably give the child a decent quality of life (i.e. homeless, abusive relationship, untreated substance abuse, unsupported teen pregnancy) and adoption is not an option, then abortion is the reasonable choice. However, if it is a question of "this pregnancy may prevent me from doing things I want to do" then I would prefer she not have an abortion.

Of course I can't make the decision for these women and its difficult to tell the unsupported 25 year old to carry a baby to term when society does not have a system available to make sure she can care for that child. (Paid maternity leave, subsidized child care, universal healthcare anyone?) I find myself on the side of those who want to reduce abortions but can't identify as pro-life because of the crazies.

In my ideal world the women who are faced with rape or medical problems would be able to get compassionate care without dealing with protesters. Contraception and sex education would be widely available to all and unintended pregnancies would be limited to those instances where contraception fails. In my ideal world there would be adequate social programs available so that when contraception fails a woman does not have to choose between aborting a child and facing financial ruin. In my ideal world abortion is safe, legal, and used only in extreme circumstances.

Dear Emmie

2009-06-10T18:30:00.004-05:00

Today, Lisa Belkin at the Motherlode brings us the story of Emmie. Emmie is a 22 year old college graduate that is headed to a prestigious grad school in the fall. The only problem? Emmie has fallen pregnant. From the sounds of it she wasn't in a stable relationship and she doesn't have much of a support system. Emmie wrote to Lisa looking for advice. Emmie writes that she planned on being a single mother someday but now is too soon. She's afraid that having a child now will ruin her life. The comments on the post have ran the gamut from choose life to abort. There are many out there that have told her having a child will ruin her life. One insensitive dimwit went so far as to question her judgment for going to grad school as well as telling her not to have the baby because "men don’t like stepchildren." Then he suggests that she's deluded. Unfortunately, it seems that the majority of the responses are coming down on the side of termination. There is this idea that you can't be a mother and have a career at the same time. My heart goes out to Emmie and even though I left a short response I wanted to go further into detail here.

Dear Emmie,

I can't imagine how frightened you must be. The decision to have a child is one of the biggest you will ever make. I know it seems like everyone around you is telling you to abort. You've even questioned yourself as to whether or not thats what you should do. You spoke about being torn between your responsibilities as a mother and your responsibilities to yourself. At this point the two are one in the same.

Please do not listen to those who tell you a child will ruin your life. A child is a gift from God. I have heard women say that they have regretted having abortions; I have never heard anyone say they regretted giving birth to their children. Its true that one day you may look back on your decision (if you decide to go through with the pregnancy) and wish that things may have happened in a different order, but I can guarantee, once you hold that baby in your arms, you will not regret bringing her into this world.

There are many that are going to tell you that having a child will ruin your chances for success. I can't say anything else about that statement other than that its patently untrue. There are millions of women all over the world that are mothers and successful. There are women that give birth before and during grad school. I am headed to grad school this fall and my three month old baby will be going with me. It is possible. I know you're worried about doing it alone. You may be a single mother but your family and friends are only three hours away. It might seem like a vast expanse right now, but in reality its not. You know it isn't. You probably make that drive a couple times a month. I have no doubt that you have friends and family that would gladly come stay with you and help out.

You wrote that you are worried you have ruined the lives of your friends and family by becoming pregnant. Don't worry about ruining your friends lives. They have plenty of time to do that themselves. By becoming pregnant you are growing your extended family. You're not a child. You're a grown woman. The timing may not be perfect but I'm willing to bet your family will welcome the new addition.

Ultimately, though your situation is not ideal, its not impossible. You're a grown woman. You've said you're financially stable. You have a college education. You're not into drugs or gangs (I don't think). Modern society leads us to believe that any baby that comes before we're "ready" will be a disaster, but money and success aren't everything. I can't read your mind or make the decision for you, but if I were in your shoes, I would have the baby.

Its going to be difficult. You are going to have to make sacrifices but it will all be worth it. I ask you to imagine ten years into the future. If there is any question that you may regret terminating the pregnancy please err on the side of caution and don't do it. In the end no one can tell you what you should do. I just ask that you look deep down inside and follow your heart, not your head, your wallet, your ex-boyfriend, admissions counsellor, or mechanic. You know what the right decision is.

Love,

Mary and Birdie

Tiller's Clinic To Close Permanently

2009-06-09T10:56:00.004-05:00

The AP is reporting that Dr. George Tiller's clinic will close permanently. While I can't blame the family members who want to distance themselves from this tragedy, it makes me even more angry that the terrorists have won. The anti-abortionists have gotten what they wanted. Women in desperate situations here in Kansas now have no where to turn. For people like me, the closest clinic that provides abortion services is now four to six hours away. What kind of world is my daughter going to grow up in?

*Edit* Upon further research I discovered that there is now only ONE abortion provider in the ENTIRE STATE. I don't think I have an expletive good enough for this one.

Babywearing Success!

2009-06-08T16:25:00.005-05:00

The other day I posted about how the Birdie hates baby wearing. She wanted nothing to do with the slings I made her. One of the more experienced ladies that commented on the post suggested I try a different style of carrier. (So simple, yet so ingenious! Thanks
Hwar!) I called up my best friend/labor support/lactation consultant/baby-wearing guru (honestly can this woman get any more awesome? She works two jobs too.) Superlady brought over her selection of carriers. We had a mini fashion show of baby wearing gadgets and we discovered that Birdie hated all of them, except for the Moby.

For those of you who don't know, a Moby wrap is a straight piece of cotton material that is 5.5 meters long, and its awesome. There is a basic wrap from which you can compose a whole slew of different baby-wearing positions. Their website has an instructions page with step-by-step instructions for many of the positions. Other people on the Internet have found other neat ways of utilizing their Mobys. For us, we're liking the hug hold. It keeps her upright and really snug. Today we went all over the neighborhood in our borrowed Moby and Birdie and I both loved it. The wrap feels really snug and secure which makes me wonder if the reason she didn't like the slings because she didn't feel safe. It feels very natural and it distributes the weight really well. I spent most of the time just hugging or caressing Birdie while she slept. Superlady has lent me the Moby for as long as I want it (or until she has a nursling again) but I still plan on buying my own. I was surprised at how affordable they are. Tonite I'm going to teach DH how to operate the Moby and then Birdie and I are going to work on our nursing technique.

What do you do when your child doesn't want to be attachment parented?

2009-06-03T12:57:00.003-05:00

At some point during my pregnancy I decided that I ought to check into parenting philosophies. I wanted a more objective look on the subject so I picked up a copy of Our Babies Ourselves by Meredith Small. She went all over the world and studied the parenting styles of different cultures. She discovered that in all but the western world, babies were constantly kept in close contact with their caregivers. There was no independence training, there was no admonishment from elders that holding a baby too much would spoil it, there was no crying it out. Babies were simply cared for and responded to when they cried. It made sense. After all, doesn't a happy, non-crying baby make for a happy non-crying mamma?

I had never heard of attachment parenting before but I liked what I found out. Baby wearing, nursing on cue, and co-sleeping all sounded like they would fit in well with our lifestyle. DH and I have a very warm and snuggly home. Any problem can be fixed by cuddling on the couch. We had already decided we wanted a gentle birth for our child so attachment parenting seemed to be the next step.

In the weeks leading up to the birth I made some soft and snuggly baby slings. We moved the crib into our bedroom, removed the gate, and attached it to our bed. Finally our bundle of joy arrived! We had our gentle birth. She was never poked with anything, prodded, separated from us, nothing of that sort. It was skin to skin contact for the first several hours. My friend commented on how little she cried. The first several nights she slept in the bed with us. I couldn't bear to see her laying alone in the crib, even if she was only a foot away. She looked so tiny. We held her constantly, I don't think anyone put her down for the first two weeks of her life.

Fast forward another two weeks and our Birdie is starting to let her personality show. We've only used the slings twice. She hates them. It takes less than 30 seconds of her being in a sling before she puts on the biggest frown she can muster and matter-of-factly states, "Waa." My lovely slings are sitting in a dresser drawer. At night, if I bring her out of her crib to nurse and don't put her back, she spends the next thirty minutes using her little legs to push against me so she can get some personal space. If she can't get away, she fusses until I put her back in her crib. When she was born I would nurse her and put her in my lap where she would drift peacefully off to sleep. Now once we're nursed and burped, if I don't lay her down somewhere besides on me she lets out a cry that DH translates as "For Pete's sake woman put me DOWN!" As soon as she's in her baby cage looking around at nothing, she's perfectly happy. My child hates attachment parenting.

We're learning to compromise with her on what parts of AP we will use. We nurse on cue because thats how she's happiest. I refuse to leave her in the car seat when we go out to eat or when we're in church. I just hate to see babies sitting in their buckets at a restaurant. I've seen too many moms prop up a bottle for the baby, sit the bucket on a chair and then basically ignore the child until either it throws a fit or the meal is over. I think many of our outings would be easier if she would put up with a sling, but I don't see that happening. She puts up well with us holding her through church and Sunday dinner. We do give in to the carseat temptation when we go grocery shopping. She's happier and we have our hands free.

My dreams of the three of us drifting off to sleep together in our family bed have been shattered. She wants to be nursed and then put down by herself. At 9 p.m. I put her in her crib and turn out the light. She goes to sleep on her own. Any attempt on my part to cuddle, sing, rock or fawn over her is met with anything from complete disinterest to outright protest. Right now she's laying on the couch next to me talking to her blanket. I've picked her up once or twice to put her in my lap but she wants nothing to do with it. She's a bit of a loner.

I'm amazed that my child has such an independent personality so early. She's still an itty bitty baby though, which means that she still wants to be held, but it has to be on her terms. There are times when she's been in her cage and she gets lonely. Then there's nothing that can console her besides being picked up and rocked. She's very cuddly, she likes to snuggle down into a little ball and just hang out. She loves interaction. We spend lots of time each day making faces at each other. We sing and read stories. (She gets bored with the old lady that swallowed a fly, its too long) I read my daily blog reads out loud to her. She's into just about everything I want to do with her, except that like her great-grandma, she thinks I hold her too much.

Late Term Abortions

2009-06-01T10:34:00.004-05:00

If you listen to those in the "Pro-Life" movement, you will get the impression that late-term abortion is about irresponsible women killing otherwise viable babies. The reality is very much the opposite. In all but the rarest cases, late-term abortion is reserved for those situations where either the life of the woman is in danger or the child would not be viable outside of the womb. The decision to have a late-term abortion is heart wrenching and I can't imagine any woman would make the decision lightly. Many of the major tests that discover life altering abnormalities aren't done until late in the second trimester. Modern science has moved back the date of viability in some instances to 23 weeks of gestation. By the time one is having a late-term abortion, she has felt the baby move. She is already bonded to her child. In many cases the child is desperately wanted. Some argue that we should not abort fetuses with congenital defects. They argue that they are just as entitled to life as other children. In part that is true, however, there is a difference between a child with Downs Syndrome that will have a reasonable quality of life and a child who would be born anencephalic. And what about the lives of the women and the families? What about the couple of limited means that discovers they are carrying a child with severe malformations that will require dozens of expensive surgeries just to survive and afterwards would require lifelong intensive care? Forget the pictures of chopped up fetuses the anti-abortionists would wave in front of your children. This is the true face of late-term abortion: Women who, when they should be finding out if they need to paint pink or blue, are instead finding out that their child will not live, and even if it does, it will be horribly and painfully disfigured for its short existence.

Late-term abortion is governed by the most restrictive of abortion laws. Here in Kansas, if a fetus is deemed viable a woman needs the opinion of two doctors that, "that an abortion is necessary to preserve the life of the pregnant woman or that a continuation of the pregnancy will cause a substantial and irreversible impairment of a major bodily function of the pregnant woman." If the fetus is not viable by reason of severe congenital defects, the situation must be fully documented. (You can read the full Kansas statute here) The records of such procedures are routinely scrutinized. Any provider that performs a late-term abortion is putting his/her license on the line. The absolute reality is that late-term abortion is NOT about killing otherwise viable babies, its about preserving the lives and integrity of already living women and families.

Prior to our 18 week sonogram, DH and I discussed what we would do if something was horribly wrong with our Birdie. Unlike some, I know that I could care for and raise a child with special needs. For me, I could find very little reason to abort. Even in the case of something like anencephaly I would rather have that baby and love it for the fleeting moments it was on this earth. I know that there are women out there that would not make the same choices that I did. I could not in good conscience force a woman to bring a child into this world that she could not care for. Likewise, I could not in good conscience force a woman to attempt to bring a child into this world that would by its very existence kill or maim her. If we want to talk about the right to life, we need to include the lives of the women making these decisions.

Since the assassination of Dr. George Tiller, more women are coming out and telling their stories of their own late-term abortions. Hopefully, their experiences will drown out the anti-abortionist rhetoric about irresponsible sluts and replace it with the heart wrenching realities of women forced to make such an awful choice. Today, somewhere, there is a couple sitting in a doctors office hearing the news that the baby they feel move every night while in bed will not live outside the womb. They are learning that their dreams have been shattered. Their child will require dozens of painful surgeries they cannot afford and it will live a short, diminished life. Their child will never blow out its own birthday candles, say I love you, grow up, or grow old. They are also being told that now, there are only TWO doctors in the entire country that can help them.

Abortion Doctor George Tiller Killed

2009-05-31T13:00:00.011-05:00

Preliminary reports are coming out of Wichita Kansas that Dr. George Tiller was shot and killed at his church this morning. George Tiller was hated by the pro-life sector because he performed late term abortions.

This situation brings so many issues to the forefront. First, women have been deprived of a health care provider that for years had put his life on the line to ensure that they had safe access to a medical proceedure most people would not perform. Late term abortion isn't about killing babies that would have otherwise lived, in many cases its about saving the life of a mother who for whatever reason would not survive. Or what about those babies that have severe physical malformations that would only bring a short and painful existence? I may not agree with some reasons women give for having the proceedure but it is their bodies and their choices.

The thing that upsets me the most about this murder is that I would bet my bottom dollar that whoever did this identifies himself as pro-life. What is this going to do to the pro-life movement? They are now associated with murderers. They somehow escaped the lable of "terrorist" when they were associated with the bombing of his clinic in the 1980s. He was previously shot in both arms in the early 1990s. How can you be pro-life and murder someone? How can you be pro-life and support the death penalty? How can you be pro-life and support a war? What about the people that have a real desire to reduce the number of abortions? This has upset me greatly. Here in Kansas we don't take kindly to extremism. I'll be interested to see how our state reacts. I'll be interested to see how the pro-lifers and neo-cons respond.

When it happened my grandma called me. She's a little old Lutheran lady who doesn't hold any strong political opinsions. She called the murderer an SOB and then told me about women she knew that had abortions because they had to. Of the pro-life sector she said, "those people are against everything."

My sympathies go out to the family of Dr. George Tiller and I hope they catch the SOB that did it.

I'm attached

2009-05-30T22:19:00.003-05:00

Today our little Birdie is four weeks old. Its been both the fasted and slowest four weeks of my life. Tonite, DH, myself and my brother went to see a movie. This wasn't the first time I left my Birdie. At two weeks, my brother and I went to a movie and Birdie stayed with her daddy. Night before last DH and I went to dinner and Birdie stayed with my parents for an hour. Tonite we were gone for three hours while she stayed with grandpa. We own exactly one bottle for such events. She will grudgingly take the bottle but when we're reunited she wants to nurse immediately. Tonite, two hours into our outing I needed my baby. I needed to hold her, snuggle her, kiss her, smell her, feed her, etc. When the movie let out I nearly assaulted DH for his phone (I had conveniently forgotten mine at home) so I could call my dad and hear that everything had gone well. He said she had been an angel and that she had just eaten. I was in the car before DH and Dan were even out of the theater. I almost sprinted to the door when we got to my dad's. Dad was holding her (she likes to sleep on his tummy, grandpa is soft) and she was sleeping soundly.

I wasn't worried about her, I just needed her. It was a physical and psychological need. She's comfortable staying with my dad because she can sense that I'm comfortable with it. They love each other so much already. Its awesome. What I didn't realize until tonite was how strong my attachment was to my daughter. She hasn't really woken up since we got home, though she wanted to nurse right away. On the way home I asked DH how he does it. I couldn't leave her for eight hours each day. He said it was incredibly hard. When he went back to work his dad asked him if it was hard to leave each morning. He said it was.

When I mentioned my intense attachment my brother told me I should be careful about that. He doesn't think its good to be "too attached." I told him he's been watching too much Lifetime. Jake told me that he would rather have me attached. He said I was a good mother. (beam) I never thought I could love someone so much. Its absolutely unreal.

24 hour stay for a c-section???

2009-05-29T10:35:00.004-05:00

I just got word from my friend. She had her baby by planned c-section on Tuesday and they let her go home after 24 hours! She doesn't live here so I don't know what hospital she had her baby in, but honestly, 24 hours?!?! That's major abdominal surgery! My mother had a hysterectomy and they kept her five days! I don't know what J's complete situation is. Knowing her and her husband, I would imagine they either don't have insurance or are on state insurance. This was a planned c-section because I believe she had one with her first child. I'm not going to harrass her for details right now considering she's at home with a three year old and a newborn only two days out from major surgery. Hopefully she'll recover quickly and there will be no complications. What could have that doctor been thinking?

3 almost 4 weeks old

2009-05-28T10:27:00.003-05:00

Here is our little lady. She's almost four weeks old already. She weighs 8 lbs 2 oz. and is now 20 1/2 inches long. I don't care what the developmental experts say, she's been giving us "social smiles" for a week or better. She smiles when she gets kisses andwhen Dad comes home. She's a pretty happy baby but she has her mother's patience. When she needs something, she needs it five minutes ago. We're planning her baptism for the 7th. The entirety of DH's family will be here. We're having a "Meet the Baby BBQ" the day before the ceremony. It will be the first time his family meets mine. I'm more than a little scared, but I'll be happy to see his family. His sister is going to be here from Indiana. We haven't seen her in almost five years. She and I were friends before DH and I got together. I can't wait to take pictures

So what happens when your child develops a nickname? I started calling Oriana Birdie when she was born because of the face she makes when she's hungry. She looks like a little baby bird. Even though she has a lovely name like Oriana, I'm afraid Birdie is going to stick. Our family has a habit of giving nicknames that have nothing to do with the person's actual name. My grandparents still call me Sue. Of my grandpa's eleven brothers and sisters there isn't a one that goes by their actual name. Gilbert = Jack, Ethel = Pinky, Walter = Corky and so on. Maybe for our generation Oriana = Birdie. Right now she's nursing and I'm waiting on laundry to finish. Once we're done here we're going to take a walk over to papa's (my dad's) and hang out there for lunch.

Breastfeeding Oriana

2009-05-21T21:31:00.005-05:00

Breastfeeding is weird. I'm not sure what I mean by that. I'm sitting here, watching my baby drink from my breast and I don't quite understand what I'm seeing. She's sucking diligently with her eyes closed. She's being nourished. We weighed her today using a baby sling and a fish scale from my tackle box. She's gained two pounds. Somehow my body is making food. I am food. I wonder how she views our relationship. Does she know I'm a person? Does she know she's a person? Does she feel that I'm "mom"? Or am I just food? I feel for my husband when he apologizes to his crying baby for not having food. There's not a bottle in the house.

What does it mean to be "just food?" This food is possibly the most important thing in her life right now. Its what keeps her alive and growing. She depends on me for her survival. Every couple of hours she looks at me and makes what we call the "birdie face." She opens her eyes wide, opens her mouth like a baby bird and waves her fist in front of her face. She looks at me expectantly as if to say "I can has?" The look of joy on her face when I expose a breast is well . . . joyous. I willingly and happily give her my breast and she falls on it like a ravenous wolf. Its very primal. It almost seems out of place in this modern world.

I feel no shame when I nurse in front of others. My husband's buddies still come over to visit. When my baby makes the birdie face, I bring out the breast and give it to her, regardless of who happens to be in the room. I don't cover her with a blanket. If I did then I wouldn't be able to watch her eat and change from a ravenous little animal to a sleeping little angel. When she's eaten her fill she pops off the breast with milk still on her lips. She's slipped into what my friend Mitch calls her "zen state." She looks completely at peace with the universe.

How is it that this edible bodily fluid that I wasn't able to produce until a few weeks ago can wholly nourish a separate human being? How can it make her so happy? Food doesn't make me that happy, but then again, my food doesn't come from something soft and warm that loves me unconditionally. I've talked to friends who have nursed their babies and some have spoken about their resentment towards their child. They saw their infants as demanding creatures set out to devour their mothers. I don't understand that point of view. I understand so little about what I'm going through. I would call it bliss, but I don't know that I've ever experienced bliss before. I have nothing to compare this to.

This little person is a stranger. Even though I grew her inside of me, she is not me. She is herself. Completely separate yet part of me. We're just getting to know one another. She has her father's temperament. Sudden changes upset her, but not for long. She is happy most of the time. Just like her father, she is happiest in my arms. On a whim she'll change which breast she prefers. She'll refuse to nurse until I change sides. When I do, she's happy again. We work well together. She signals and I respond. It feels completely natural. I can already tell the difference between I'm hungry. I'm wet. I'm lonely. I want Dad. I want Mom. I'm sad. Consciously, I can't tell a difference in the sound of the cries, but my heart can tell the difference. I don't know how I learned it. Is it instinct?

I am consumed by something. It might be love. It might be maternal instinct. It could be lack of sleep. Its like she has always been with me. I would move mountains if I thought it would improve her well-being or mood. At the same time, I'm having a hard time imagining myself doing it again. I have what I wanted: A little girl, born normal and whole, healthy and strong, at home, with no complications for mother or baby. We have made so much progress already. Because she knows that I will respond as soon as she signals her need, there is no reason for her to cry at length, so she doesn't. She wakes once during the night to eat a bit, then its a diaper change and back to sleep. While I am happy to do these things for her, I don't know if I want to do it for another.

During pregnancy I was a frog and the physical changes were the pot of boiling water. Like the frog, I didn't realize that the water was heating up around me, threatening to boil me alive. After giving birth I realized that I didn't like being pregnant. During the pregnancy I was happy and I didn't notice the physical discomforts. They came on so slowly. I told all my friends and family how easy pregnancy was for me. Now that I'm not pregnant I realize how difficult it was. Similarly, prior to my "I want a baby" phase, I had no interest in babies. In fact, I despised them for their intemperance. Once I was in the "I want a baby" phase and pregnant, I felt that I wanted a dozen of the angelic creatures. Now that I have my baby, I remember. I hate babies. I love my daughter. I marvel at her baby toes. I love kissing her baby tummy. Every single iota of her existence is beautiful, adorable, and perfect, but my original self has returned.

Only three weeks into motherhood I find myself struggling with my dreams for the future. Do I have to have another baby? Will my husband pine for a son if we don't try again? Will my daughter feel deprived of a sibling if we don't give her one? Where will we go from here? Three is the magic number. Is that what I really want? A significant portion of myself feels no need to do it all again.

For the first time since I decided I wanted to be a mother, I am myself. I feel complete. She is a perfect fit. It all feels perfectly natural.

A man and a woman had a little baby
Yes they did
They had three in the family
And thats the magic number

Three is the Magic Number - Schoolhouse Rock

Blacktating is a Year Old!!

2009-05-20T23:37:00.002-05:00

Elita over at Blacktating is celebrating her one year blogiversary with a giveaway! There are seven awesome prizes she's giving away. Go check out the post to see how you can win.

Blacktating is one of my favorite breastfeeding blogs. Even though I'm not a woman of color, I find Elita's posts insightful and informative. Her blog is an example of how the blogosphere can help women speak out for whats important to them while providing an important service to mothers everwhere.

Congratulations Elita and here's to another year.

The First 18 Days

2009-05-20T22:16:00.002-05:00

WTF is up with SVU?

2009-05-20T20:27:00.006-05:00

Again tonite, Law and Order: SVU's story line revolves around a mother who went outside of the accepted medical model of care to treat her daughter and when the daughter died the mother AND the doctor were both charged with her murder. SVU did this same story line a few weeks ago a with a mother who didn't vaccinate. The SVU story lines combined with the Daniel Hauser situation makes me wonder why the cultural gatekeepers are so on the ball against those that would dare go against the mainstream with medical care. I want to think and write more on the subject, but baby is grumpy. One of these days I'll get back to blogging but you know . . . three week old infant and all.

Baby Progress

2009-05-12T15:10:00.003-05:00

Whew, its been a busy 10 days.

Today was our "two week" appointment with the midwife. She's heading to France soon so we saw her a smidge early. Ten days into life, Ms. Oriana has regained her birth weight plus two ounces. She now weighs a whopping 6 lbs. 7 oz. She has stretched out another half inch to 19 1/2 inches long. We've made it through the newborn rash, the various body parts turning blue, the goopy eye, and the belly button falling off. So far mom has survived it all. Today was the first time Ms. O was exposed to a needle stick; we had her state PKU test done. I think it was harder on me than it was on her. Apparently if we don't hear anything back on the test then there's nothing to worry about.

I'm recovering fairly well from the birth. I'm still kind of sore in spots. I've taken up sitting on a bag of frozen green beans when things get a little too tender. I haven't had much lochia and the water weight is finally subsiding. When I weighed myself at the MW's today I discovered that I'm only 6lbs heavier now than when I started. I picked up my workout DVD yesterday (I do T-Tapp ) and it nearly killed me. I think I'm going to drop back to three times a week for awhile instead of the every day I was doing before the pregnancy.

So far breastfeeding is going really well. My milk came in on day three and the supply has been healthy to say the least. My left breast gets fairly engorged while my right breast seems to have a better equilibrium. When I nurse on the left side the right side runs all over the place. Baby has had no troubles latching and my nipples feel fine. I "pump until comfortable" on the left side to soften it up for baby. That usually results in me pulling off about an ounce and a half before its soft enough for her to latch. It seems like once a day is enough to straighten it out. Baby eats about every two and a half hours. She's one that likes to suck for a few minutes, quit, hang out, fall asleep, wake up, and then suck some more. She nurses for 20 to 30 minutes at a time but half of that time she's just messing around. She's has no desire to hurry.

Nighttime is fairly stress free. We've only had one night that was a disaster. On day two no one got any sleep at all. My milk hadn't come in yet, she was hungry and life sucked. Right now I nurse her down around ten o'clock. She'll sleep in her crib (we have it pushed up next to our bed) until about 1:30 or 2:00 a.m. She wakes up to nurse and I just keep her in bed with us. After that she'll sleep until 6 a.m. or better.

On Mother's Day we had our first major outing. We went to church and then ate out for lunch with the family. We had four generations present. She never made a peep during church and slept right through lunch at the crowded restaurant. On Thursday we meet with our pastor to see when she'll be baptised. Hopefully we'll get all of DH's family here from their respective domiciles.

I didn't realize that I didn't like being pregnant until after giving birth. I feel so much better now that baby is out here instead of in there. Part of me still wants scads of children but right now an even bigger part is happy with just one. I don't think anyone should be making permanent family planning decisions 10 days after giving birth to their first child, but this has definitely changed my perspective. I know that I don't want to get pregnant too soon, but I'm not sure how we want to go about preventing it. I know from experience that barrier methods aren't our cup of tea. I'm not particularly keen on the idea of going back on hormonal birth control. We're experienced with temping and monitoring fertility signals but I would be afraid of an "accident" The most viable seems to be an IUD but I have to do a lot more research before I decide. I'd like to have at least two to three years before I get pregnant again. I'm interested in further exploring my new found aversion to pregnancy.

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I've seen so many great articles around the net recently and when I get time (ha!) I'll address some of them, but its been a challenge even squeezing this post in. I'm still getting the hang of this whole motherhood gig. I wanted to post some pictures of Ms. O but they're on my other laptop so I'll get to that when I switch. In the meantime, I'd like some tips. I don't care if they're about breastfeeding, diapering, sleeping, laundry, whatever. Dump all of your mommy knowledge on me. I need it.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T12:02:00.001-05:00

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

I promise I'll get a post together here soon. Being a new mother is kinda time consuming ;)

Birth Story - Oriana Violet

2009-05-06T14:40:00.003-05:00

Over the past few weeks we’ve been discussing when we should have the baby. We tried the castor oil on Sunday April 26 to no avail. Baby just wasn’t ready. The consensus was that baby could show up at any time, EXCEPT on Saturday May 2. My head midwife’s daughters had dance and piano recitals. Her assistant had to sing at a memorial service. The backup midwife’s brother was getting married. My labor support’s daughter had a dance recital. Everyone had plans. Around 4:30 in the morning on Saturday May 2. I woke up and went to the bathroom. When I lay back down I realized that the pillow I keep between my legs at night was damp. I took it to the bathroom with me I noticed that the corner was wet and there was some bloody show on the pillow case. I wasn’t sure if my water had broken or not so I called the midwife. She didn’t sound really happy, but she basically said go back to bed. I was fine with that. I had been having a few contractions but nothing too serious.

About 15 minutes after being in bed I had a really good contraction and I felt this sensation like the LO had punched me, really hard. I literally sat up in bed and said “What the hell was that?!” I stood up and it was obvious. My water had broken. It poured out of me and onto the bedroom floor. It was clear with a little vernix floating in it. I called the midwife and told her that my water had definitely broken. I don’t remember what she said.

From that point on I had good, regular, strong contractions. They started out about 6 minutes apart and lasted about a minute and a half. At around seven a.m. I called the midwife again to report that contractions were under five minutes apart and lasting about 90 seconds. She said they would head out. A little before ten a.m. my midwife and her two assistants showed up. When they checked me I was dilated to 4 cm.

Over the next two hours the contractions were consistently strong and I labored on the toilet. I vomited frequently. I couldn’t take the contractions lying down. I had to move. The pressure in my pelvis was enough that I couldn’t sit in a chair. I had to be either on the toilet or on the birth chair. At 12:30 I had dilated to 7 cm. We thought we would be done by early afternoon and the midwives would be able to get back to their home base and go to all of their stuff. . . yeah right.

I was starting to get tired and my dilation had slowed significantly. I hadn’t eaten, I couldn’t keep anything down. I was off in what I’ve heard people call “labor land.” I was only focusing on the contractions. I did a lot of moaning. Around 2:30 I decided to take a shower. DH got in there with me and the warm water really helped. It also slowed my contractions from 1 to 2 minutes apart back to 6 minutes. I was able to nap in between them.

My midwife started to get antsy. She wanted to get the birth over with so she could be at her daughters’ recital. I’m not sure what time it was but she gave me some B&B cohosh to get things going again. It didn’t take long and my 1 to 2 minute contractions were back in full force. Around 4:00 she decided we should transfer to her house . . . 2 hours away. I consented; I really didn’t care where I had the baby at that point. By 4:45 we were in the car and heading out. It became apparent early on that I wasn’t going to be able to handle two hours in a car. We got less than 10 miles out of town and I insisted we turn back. The midwife was PISSED.

During the manual dilation

When we got back to the house they checked me and I had been stuck at 7 cm for 5 hours. The midwife decided that we needed to “help” my cervix along. That meant that I had either her or her assistant manually dilating my cervix through each contraction. That’s the only time I felt any real pain. That was at 5:30. It took half an hour of stretching for me to get as close to complete as I was going to. I had an anterior lip that wouldn’t budge. Around 6 p.m. I started to push through the lip. Pushing did not hurt. Having that anterior lip pushed over baby’s head did hurt. I could feel the baby moving down and I wanted to get it over with. I had to be told to wait for a contraction to push. I had to be told to slow down. I was ready to blast that baby out. She came with her nuchal hand just like I knew she would. At 6:37 p.m. our little Oriana came into the world. Right now she’s sleeping beside me with her hand up at her ear.

Once she was out she didn’t breathe right away. Her eyes were open and she was looking around. She had pooped a bit on the way out but not before. The MW had Jake tell the baby to breathe, and she did. The cord was short enough so that I had to be careful how I held her. They cut the cord when it stopped pulsing. We then started working on the placenta. The assistant MW tugged on the cord to see if the placenta had separated and the cord came off. (!) I heard the head MW tell her assistant “Its not your fault, there’s something wrong with the insertion.” That’s also when we noticed the true knot in the cord. Thankfully, I didn’t bleed but we still needed to get the placenta out. At ten minutes past seven the MW announced that either I push out the placenta or she goes in after it. I pushed it out. That’s when we discovered the velamentous insertion. There was no visible insertion site on the placenta but you could see on the membranes where the veins had been. The placenta was also a lot smaller than anyone expected. If I had to guess it was about 75% of normal size. It was about the size of a salad plate. We’re very blessed that Oriana is here and doing well. We could have lost her at any time during the pregnancy. None of the cord or placental issues were discovered by my backup OB who was constantly looking for excuses for me to have the baby in the hospital. If we had given birth in the hospital and had any number of interventions without them knowing about the cord issues, we could have lost our little girl. By the grace of God we didn’t.

First attempt

So, how do I feel about all of this.

My midwife was more interventative than I wanted her to be. I would have liked to not have been “on the clock.” Her trying to push my labor along to get to her daughters’ recital was no different than a doctor doing the same thing to get home in time for dinner. The main difference was that 1) she ended up missing her recitals anyhow and 2) I didn’t end up with abdominal surgery. The MW did cop an attitude after the whole transfer bit, but that didn’t bug me. I was too busy laboring and besides, I pooped on her. I think if I wasn’t as strong willed as I am that it would have ruined the experience, but it didn’t.

Close to the end I did everything that everyone says you will. I begged to be taken to the hospital. I wanted drugs. I wanted to give up. I wanted to be somewhere else. I said “I can’t.” To my midwife’s credit she said, “Yes you can,” and “I’m not missing those recitals for nothing! You’re having this baby!” She kept me on task. She had me cry out to Jesus. When I asked her what caused my cervix to not dilate on its own she said “Sin.” Ahh, the joys of an uber religious midwife.

Ultimately I had the birth I wanted. I gave birth to a healthy baby at home. I went through 14 hours of labor with no drugs. I pushed a baby out of my vagina. It wasn’t perfect. My midwife was a bit of a bitch, but that’s just her. I paid her to help me get a baby out of my body the way God intended and that’s what she did. I have no scars, my perineum is intact, (not even a scratch!) my baby wasn’t drugged, and we’ve been breastfeeding since the start. Labor was harder than I imagined, but it wasn’t the pain that was difficult. It was the work my body was doing. I’m still not able to describe it. The whole thing seems a little unreal. I’m looking at this baby sleeping next to me and it seems like she’s always been here. Even the kitties have taken it in stride. Physically I feel fine, though I’m still a little tired. I’ve been saying that I don’t yet feel ready to run a mile and I’d prefer not to go through all of it again tomorrow, but it wasn’t that bad.

My body is slowly returning to normal. My fat feet aren’t as fat and I can wear my wedding rings again. My breasts are gigantic and my tummy looks like a deflated flan. I've had very little lochia. During labor, DH and my BFF were invaluable. They loved me through it and I couldn’t have done it without them. I’m blissfully happy. This tiny baby is such a blessing. I can’t imagine things being any other way. DH and I have been talking about the birth and how we feel about it and we’ve decided that we wouldn’t have it any other way. For us, having this baby at home, in our own bedroom was the way to go. If we do this again, which we probably will in a year or two, we’ll likely go the same route, though I’m not sure if I’d use the same midwife again.

Quick Update

2009-05-05T13:05:00.003-05:00

I'm finally dressed in people clothing. I gave up my pink nightgown with cats on it a few hours ago. Baby is doing well but there has been a learning curve for all three of us. Night before last she didn't sleep . . . . at all. All she wanted to do was nurse and cry. Part of the problem was the fact that we had no idea what to do. She got so agitated that she couldn't calm down. Finally around seven in the morning she gave up and fell asleep. We all got to sleep until about noon and had a pretty good day. Last night we had a plan. We went to bed early and when she cried I'd nurse her and change her, then if she started fussing DH would soothe her. It worked and we all got a lot more sleep. She will sleep for about two and a half hours at a time. I think if we can keep up doing what we did last night then by the time DH goes back to work in a few weeks things should be easier on everyone.

My milk is slowly coming in. Today its more than just colostrum, but I haven't had anything resembling the let-down reflex. My nipples are a little sore from all the nursing but its nothing serious. So long as we latch well it doesn't bother me. DH picked up some Lanisoh yesterday and that has made a world of difference.

For some reason it hasn't been more than 60 degrees outside since Baby O was born. Cold in May . . . it would figure. I've been dressing her in all kinds of clothes but she still gets cold. Her temp has been stable when we do vitals but her little nose and fingers get chilly. Last night she presented with a good case of newborn rash. I of course freaked out, DH called the midwife so she could reassure us. Her umbilical cord is drying up nicely but today I noticed its a little damp at the base. We've been using golden seal powder at each diaper change to aid the process. It doesn't look like it has many days left.

DH is so good with her. We take turns at night soothing and changing. He loves to hold her, kiss her, pet her, snuggle her etc. He's been wonderful support. Baby and Mommy are very lucky to have him.

Birth story will be forthcoming, I'm thinking I'll do my perspective and then have DH do his. I'm interested to see how he felt about it all. I'll also get some more pics up. LO is fussing so its time for some lunch.

Our Oriana

2009-05-03T11:35:00.004-05:00

We had a really good first night. Baby slept well and is nursing well. We definitely need some practice latching but thankfully I've got a good friend thats a lactation specialist. She's was with us during the birth and she's coming by later today. Just a few facts about the birth:

I was in labor for about 15 hours. Thats fairly normal for a first time mom. It took FOREVER for me to dilate and I never did get rid of a decent anterior lip on the cervix. The pushing stage lasted about an hour according to DH, who for the record, needs some sort of award for being a supportive husband. That man did everything right at all the right times.

When baby arrived she was alert but not breathing. It took her a minute to perk up but we didn't need any oxygen or resuscitation. Baby was born with a nuchal hand, just like I knew she would be. In every single sonogram she was holding onto that ear with her left hand. Sure enough it was still there at delivery. You can hear me on the video saying "I knew it!" when the MW announced "We've got a nuchal hand!"

Now for the scary part. The umbilical cord was fairly short and the placenta was small. We had both a true knot and a velamentous cord insertion. You can find some basic info on the conditions here. Neither condition was diagnosed in any of the four ultrasounds we had. I looked back at the reports earlier this morning and all three ultrasounds where they checked the cord, they labeled it as normal. If they had identified it then I would have been "encouraged" to have an "elective" c-section. If I had given birth in the hospital without them knowing about the cord abnormalities and they had broken my water, there would be a good chance that baby would have either hemorrhaged or suffocated. I honestly feel that because I went into labor on my own and everything proceeded according to nature we have avoided serious consequences. Both conditions are associated with a high rate of pregnancy loss throughout gestation and delivery if everything doesn't go well. We've got a little miracle on our hands.

Its going to take a few days for me to process everything that happened yesterday. Once I get a birth story together then I'll post it. For now, here is our little miracle. The golden one, Ms. Oriana.

And sang the shepherds and nymphs of Diana, Long Live Fair Oriana! -

"The Triumphs of Oriana, 1601."

Its a Girl!

2009-05-02T21:59:00.003-05:00

Its a girl! Oriana Violet. Born at home, no complications. 6lbs 5oz. 19inches long. 6:37 p.m. today

Today is the day!

2009-05-02T05:29:00.003-05:00

I woke up at 3:30 this morning with a pretty "business like" contraction. I stayed in bed until about 4:30 when I went to the bathroom. When I got up, I noticed the pillow keep between my legs at night was wet and had some bloody show on it. I called the midwife to tell her *she is two hours away.* I didn't know if my water had broken or not. She told me to go back to bed and call her if things changed. About 15 minutes later I had a whopper of a contraction and something that felt like the LO punching me. It made me go "what the hell was that!?" which finally woke up DH. I sat up on the side of the bed and whoosh! it was my water! Nice and clear with a little vernix in it.

I called the midwife again. All week she has been telling me "Any day but Saturday!" She has tons of stuff going on today. Its also my birth assistant's daughter's dance recital today. The MW told me to go back to bed and we'll talk later in the morning. DH and I put the kitties in the basement and made up the birth bed. I tried to go back to sleep but I can't take the contractions laying down. I have to be up walking, swaying, just about anything. They're about 6ish minutes apart and last for a minute to a minute and a half. I've already ditched the "mommy diaper" and my clothing. I'm sitting naked on a birth ball right now with a towel over it so I don't get it all slippery. DH is in bed, hopefully sleeping. He was a little agitated about the situation, but thats just him. Right now I feel fine, the contractions are intense but do-able. Baby is active and DH got an ear on her heart tones before he went back to bed. . . . Heh . . . I lost my next sentence because I had to stop for a contraction. Right now I have to bend over, stick my butt in the air and sway. I feel fine between them. I think we're having a baby today!

Oh yeah, and the Wolverine movie . . . well . . . lets just say its tough to be a comic book geek.

40w1d

2009-05-01T08:23:00.003-05:00

Today I am 40w1d. Yesterday we jotted over to the midwife's and checked everything out. Baby is doing fine. I have fat feet and I'm grumpy, but otherwise I'm ok. She put me on niacin for my blood pressure and it has brought it down. Yay! I monitor it myself once a day and so long as it stays down then there is no reason to do anything to encourage baby to show up. The LO is all lined up and ready to go, its just a matter of when. This morning when I went to the potty I lost my mucus plug and had a pretty pink bloody show. I was pretty excited about that, BUT, now I want baby to hold off because DH and I have a date tonite. We're going to be comic book nerds and go see the new Wolverine flick. DH and his coworkers have all decided Sunday is going to be the day. Thats dandy with me.

Over at Crunchy Domestic Goddess there is a post about the death of Janet Fraser's baby after a free birth, or unassisted childbirth (UC). The story has been festering for awhile mainly because Fraser is a home birth advocate. Apparently, if you're a home birth advocate and your baby dies, its your fault, but if you have a hospital birth then you did everything you could. Right? Anyhow, thats NOT what the blogger at CDG is saying, but the comments are getting interesting.

Now, I've said before that I've played with the idea of having a UC but ultimately we decided to have midwives present. However, I can completely understand the mindset of those who decide on UC, though the ones that would rather "trust birth" than take a CPR class kind of worry me. What I don't understand is those out there who out of hand dismiss women who decide this. There is one commenter over at CDG who, in response to my favorite Emily writes:

"It is interesting to learn that women are willing to go to the extreme of an unassisted birth for something like a VBAC when a licensed doctor or midwife could attend to her. That seems even more risky than what I was alluding to earlier. Just out of curiousity (sic), in what states are VBACs unavailable? In what states are midwife assisted births illegal?"

The last part of the quote really gets me. Anyone who embarks on the road to a homebirth quickly finds out how difficult it really is to have one, legally. Not only that, but the commenter seems to believe that hospitals hand out VBACs like candy. I stated in my reply that where I live a woman would have to drive five, possibly six hours to be allowed an attempt at a VBAC. Is that really an example of having the "choice" available? In one sense I'm lucky. My state does not license CPMs however, they have a state supreme court ruling protecting them. Because of that they can still attend VBACs, breeches, and twins out of hospital. My midwife explained the other day that they want nothing to do with licensing because then they would be restricted in who they can attend.

I think the main reason this commenter got me so riled up is because its an example of what women are up against. There is an entire culture out there that believes that women's bodies are somehow broken and that our most basic biological function is dangerous to us and our children. They don't believe that a woman who has never given birth before can have any sense of how to do it and that women must be saved by the nice young men in their clean white coats. Yes things can happen in birth, I don't think that there are many women out there that aren't prepared for that eventuality, the difference is, do you believe that birth is a disaster waiting to happen, or is it a natural, physiologic event that has been perfected over millions of years of evolution?

Just a couple of things

2009-04-28T21:49:00.003-05:00

Over at the Motherlode there is a post about how Consumer Reports put out a list of five things not to buy for your baby. On the list were co-sleepers and baby slings. Both items are associated with attachment parenting and nursing. Consumer Reports was concerned that there were no safety standards for these products and that baby slings have accounted for a whopping four deaths in five years due to dropped infants. The comments on Motherlode have turned into "Women who do AP/nurse/co-sleep are warped" vs. "Consumer Reports is in bed with the crib industry, big pharma, and Hanna Rosin." Go check it out.

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Also, tonite's episode of Law and Order: SVU starts out with Hillary Duff as a Casey Anthony wannabe but it turns into a mother being arrested for murder for . . . not vaccinating her child! The offending mother hadn't gotten her child vaccinated against measles and the little boy infected the little girl who ended up dying. The basic premise was that not vaccinating your child is criminal. I don't know how the episode ended. The stupid was making my brain hurt. It looks like next week, SVU takes on sexting! Can't wait.

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And finally, still no baby. I'm not experiencing anything that might suggest that labor is anywhere near happening. Every once in awhile I will get a few contractions but I can't feel them. If I rest my hand on my tummy I can time them but there is no physical sensation. We head back to the MW on Thursday. I've decided that I'm going to be pregnant forever and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm still me

2009-04-27T11:18:00.003-05:00

I'm still one people and not two. I ended up taking the Castor Oil, but alas, all I did was poop. I did my chocolate shake starting at 9 a.m. The Castor Oil didn't take effect until after 2 p.m. The midwives arrived around 3 p.m. and I was feeling dandy. I was a little cleaner inside and my hemorrhoid was upset with me, but otherwise thats it. My head MW examined me and my BP was still up more than what we wanted, so she stripped my membranes to get things started. That didn't do anything either. I had some bloody show but no contractions. Her stripping the membranes was uncomfortable, but it was manageable. It made me have to pee. We sat around and watched movies until 10 p.m. with the midwives (they've all taken to calling one another "Edith" for some reason). I sent my friend home around 8 so she could take care of her brood. By the time they left I was dilated to 3 cm, baby was at a 0 station and I was still 90% effaced. I'm all lined up ready to go, it just depends on when this little diva wants to make her appearance. The MW started me on niacin for my BP and we'll go see her on Thursday which is my actual due date. DH was right, this baby just isn't cooked yet.

Notes on Castor Oil:

First off, putting it in a chocolate shake does not make it any better. Its still gloppy and oily. The only difference is you have to manage to swallow big gulps of thick shake with it. I got several brain freezes out of the deal because I wasn't going to screw around with it. Second, I think part of the reason it didn't work is because I have an iron constitution. I always have. Instead of working in the 2 hours it was supposed to, it took 6 hours to take effect and even then it wasn't as violent of a reaction as I was lead to expect. The Castor Oil does turn anything on your insides to lava. Pooping lava isn't fun. The Desitin helped a little, but not much. Today my bottom is much better, the effects of the lava are apparently short lived.

I don't suppose my experience with Castor Oil is any different than any non-pregnant person's experience. It cleans out the pipes. I don't find it as terrible as some people have said. I no longer believe that its as big of an intervention as every one said it would be. My midwife was right, if the body or the baby isn't ready, then it wont work. My body seems pretty ready, but baby must be content to hang out where she is. I'm fine with that. Because everything points to labor commencing on its own in a few days, we're not going to try this again. I'm not interested in pooping lava unless I absolutely have to. The MW says I'm to call just as soon as I have any thing resembling a regular contraction pattern. DH says this baby is coming on the first Sunday in May. Thats his father's intuition. I'm starting to get the feeling that he's right.

Reflections

2009-04-25T13:29:00.002-05:00

Today could be the last day of my life as the me I've known up until now. Tomorrow afternoon my midwife comes for our home visit and depending on how things are going with me and the baby, we may induce. That means today could be the very last day that I sit in a quiet house on a Saturday morning with only the kitties around. This could be my last day as not-mother. How do I feel about this? I don't know.

One part of me is mourning the loss of what our family has been up until now. So far its been me, my DH and the kitties. This morning before he went to work, DH and I got as much snuggling in as possible. It helped that it got cold last night and we forgot to close the windows. I know that we wont be giving it up, but once the baby arrives things will never be the same. We will have another person as part of the love that up until now has been only ours. Tonite we're going out on a date. Afterwards I'm going to go see our good friend Terri, (we call her the mommy-unit, one of these days I'll do a post on all of the wonderful mother surrogates DH and I have had over the years.) She always helps when I need to get myself sorted out and its because of her that DH and I are even where we are today.

DH and I have been texting back and forth all morning. We're both kind of in a dither. I'm very lucky that I can sit and talk about these things with DH. He's also mourning the loss of us as just us. As he put it this noon, "I can't wait to meet her, but I'm going to miss it just being us." We feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to grow, birth, and raise a baby, but now that its right around the corner, its suddenly become scary.

I've been pretty much fearless this entire pregnancy, but yesterday it hit me. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Labor doesn't scare me, I've got good control over my physical body. I know that I can birth a baby and keep it alive after that, its just the thought of parenting a child and helping that child grow into a responsible human being. It seems too monumental a task to fathom. How does anyone do it? The responsibility is almost overwhelming. So many people go into pregnancy thinking they want a baby so they'll have something to love, or that they want to be a mommy or a daddy. DH and I decided to have a child because we felt that we could contribute a good and reasonable person to society. Of course we're all gooey about having a baby to love and being a mommy and a daddy, but this baby is a person, a human being, and with that comes all of the philosophical trappings of humanity.

I am so anxious to hold a squirming thing in a onesie. I can't wait to have her in my arms. Even so, in the back of my mind I have a voice that says, "Hold on, what are we thinking? We can't have a baby! Can we?" I'm assuming its perfectly natural, mainly because its not causing undue distress. This is one of those "jumping off a cliff" moments. You just do it and you trust that either the good Lord will break your fall or he'll give you wings before you hit the bottom. I've been through these moments before: When I left home, when I got divorced, when I started school, when I graduated school, when I got remarried, and here we are again. So far so good, but that doesn't change the feeling that one gets when standing at the edge and staring into the abyss of the unknown.

Its hard to believe that soon I will be somebody's mother. As I've explored before, I don't even really know what it means to be a mother, or how one does it. I'm worried about how my relationship with DH will change. Everything I've read has at least one chapter on how new dads can feel left out of the mother/baby relationship. I don't want that. My DH thrives on love and attention. Without it he would wither like the beautiful flower he is. (Nobody freak out, he knows thats what I think of him and he's not the least bit threatened by being compared to a flower.) I know everyone says that there will be enough love to go around, but its still scary. He tells me he'll be ok and that everyone will be loved and cared for. (He's a much stronger flower than I am.)

I think that its probably healthy that we're having these thoughts and discussions now. I'm always wary of going into something without at least a few doubts. If you don't have doubts then you're probably overlooking something that you shouldn't. I think part of my ambivalence is the fact that I don't know how tomorrow will go. I don't know if I'm going to drink the proverbial kool-aid (actually its a chocolate shake in my situation). I don't feel I'm ready to be a mother, but upon examining every aspect of that feeling, I don't think I'll ever feel as ready as I think I should. We've known this was the right decision since we made it and even though I don't feel ready, I have no desire to have my decision undone. The birth of one's first child isn't just the birth of a baby, its the birth of a new mother, a new father, and a new family. Its the big-bang of family life. When that little girl comes wailing into the world she'll bring with her a whole new future. Tomorrow could be the first day of the rest of our lives . . .

Christening Gown

2009-04-23T17:26:00.009-05:00

This is the Victorian inspired christening gown I made for our baby. I used an old damask table cloth for the gown, second hand lace for all the trim and inserts. The slip is made from a crib sheet and old lace off of a night gown. I hand embroidered the baptismal symbols, working off clipart I found on the net. I used this pattern I found at Heirloom Sewing for Children. I love their website. They have tons of vintage patterns for all ages.

This is the gown.

Sleeve detail

Neck Detail

This is the slip

Neck detail

Trim Detail

How Wide is the Birth Spectrum?

2009-04-22T16:46:00.004-05:00

Over the past several months I've been learning and only recently blogging about birth. I've learned about something that I've begun to call the "birth spectrum." At one end you have those that forgo all medical care. They are the women and families who choose to have unassisted pregnancies and childbirths. They either do their own prenatal care, or they just trust that their bodies will do what is right when the time comes. At the other end of the spectrum you have the women and families who choose to have every test available and then schedule their c-sections at the desired time. All other kinds of birth seem to fall somewhere in between these two ends of the spectrum.

At the beginning of her pregnancy each woman has an idea of what sort of birth she will have. For the vast majority of women in the United States, it is expected that she will give birth in a hospital. Many plan on having an epidural. One third of these women will end up with a c-section. It is estimated that half of those c-sections will be "unnecessary." A small minority of women choose to give birth in a free-standing birth center. An even smaller minority choose to give birth at home.

Within the rainbow of choices of the birth spectrum there is an ambiguous dividing line. It seems to divide natural birth from unnatural birth. So what is a natural birth? It depends on who you talk to.

I love dictionaries. Even if one doesn't agree with the definition of a word, it gives a person a great jumping off point. This is from Merriam-Webster online:

Main Entry: natural childbirth
Function: noun
Date: 1933

: a system of managing childbirth in which the mother receives preparatory education in order to remain conscious during and assist in delivery with minimal or no use of drugs or anesthetics

For myself, I find this definition to be adequate. Others would argue that any time you intervene with the birth process you remove it out of the realm of "natural." That includes everything from taking blood pressure to having an attendant present. Others feel that out of hospital birth is more natural and that only non-pharmaceutical measures should be taken during birth. This would include using herbs, homeopathics, position changes etc. to alter the course of birth. In our current medicalized culture, a natural childbirth often simply means a vaginal birth.

There seems to be no end to the hairsplitting in the natural childbirth community. Rixa at Stand and Deliver has explored her experience with the various divisions over here. I would encourage you to read the comments. In the post, the woman Rixa quotes says of her move from UC to a midwife:

I find I am getting a lot of crap from my natural childbirth groups, because they all think I've become a "hypocrite" to the cause. That is completely ridiculous. It's not like I'm having a hospital birth with an epidural. It's still a HOME BIRTH! Same team! Same team!

There are two things that really stick out to me in this quote the first is "It's not like I'm having a hospital birth with an epidural." The suggestion here is twofold. First there is the suggestion that a hospital birth with an epidural is inherently unnatural. In the purest sense of the term it is, however, if it results in a vaginal birth, it is certainly more natural than a c-section. The naturalness/unnaturalness of a choice can only be discerned in relation to other choices. The second suggestion is that a hospital birth with an epidural is somehow a less valid choice than a home birth. This leads me to the second thing that sticks out in this quote: The woman feels the need to assert her continued support of the natural birth team, as though birth were a competition.

Now this is no means an attack on the woman who emailed Rixa, but rather an example of how the birth spectrum is fraught with division. Like so many things that women have to deal with, it is based around competition with other women. I think this is bad. And that is the most simple sentence I can compose on the subject.

So what does this birth spectrum have to do with me? Well, I'm trying to figure out where my beliefs lie on the spectrum. I have chosen a home birth. I have done so for many reasons. Most of them due to my belief that women were designed to have babies and that birth is for the most part safe. My goal is to have a vaginal birth with as few medical interventions as possible. There are roughly four paths to childbirth in this country. The most common is a hospital birth. As most women can attest, the chances of getting out of the hospital without at least some medical interventions are slim to none. The second most common choice is a free standing birth center. This likely would have been my choice except for that 1) There aren't any for hundreds of miles and 2) I likely would have been risked out because of my blood pressure and weight. The third most common choice (if you call less than 1% of births common) is a homebirth with a CPM. This is what I have chosen. The least common yet most "natural" is the unassisted birth.

I chose not to have an unassisted birth because its just not for me. I want someone there that has walked the path before. I chose not to give birth in the hospital because I didn't want IVs and continuous fetal monitoring with the accompanied loss of movement and increased risk of having a c-section. I opted for a home birth not because it is the most natural path to giving birth but because I felt that it was right for me. It gives me the chance to birth under my own power while at the same time using the knowledge of an experienced assistant to achieve the best birth possible.

There are many misconceptions about women who choose to give birth at home. The first is that we're all crunchy liberal hippies that want nothing to do with the medical establishment. The second is that we just don't understand how dangerous birth is and if we did we'd have the baby in the hospital. There are those out there who believe any homebirther that allows an intervention isn't staying "true" to the spirit of home birth. There are those who believe that homebirthers that don't utilize the medical system are putting themselves and their babies at risk. For me, choosing a homebirth has been about getting the best of both worlds.

My midwife is a CPM with 20 years of experience. She has 11 children of her own. I am absolutely confident in her judgement and her abilities. Because she allows me to question her every move, I trust her. Because I am not having a freebirth, I have chosen to accept a certain amount of interventions. I don't believe that interventions are inherently bad, but rather their misuse is what renders them undesirable. Each time I go to my midwife she takes my blood pressure, listens to the baby, and measures and palpitates my uterus. All of these things are by nature unnatural because they would not occur without outside interference, however, thats what I'm paying her to do.

One of my midwife's requirements was that I secure a backup OB to be available in case complications arise. Even when one trusts their bodies, unforeseen circumstances can arise and we have decided to add another layer to the birth process by following the midwife's direction to secure a backup. In my adventures with OB's I have written about how they require even more interventions. I have had four sonograms, various blood tests, and a group B strep swab. We agreed to some tests and have refused others. On this blog I've explored our reasoning behind questioning some tests while immediately agreeing to others. Our governing principal has been whether or not a given test or intervention will contribute to the ultimate well being of mother and child. Early on that meant having a sonogram because I had been spotting and it was better for me not to stress over that. Later in the pregnancy that meant agreeing to a biophysical profile to reassure Dr. Dick. We have questioned every motive until we've felt comfortable that what we're doing is the best path for us.

That brings us to our current situation. Do we want to induce labor or not? When I brought up the subject to my father this morning (how many women can talk about their vaginas with their dads?) he reminded me that there is no such thing as a natural induction. He blames the fact that my mother had to transfer during my birth on her use of castor oil. He is very much against hurrying birth. His advice was to leave things as they are. Yesterday at the midwife's we had a long discussion about where I was in my pregnancy and where we were headed. Regardless of my insistence that I have white coat hypertension and my midwife's admonishments not to worry about my blood pressure, realistically we can all see that my BP has crept up in the past few weeks. We've chosen not to be alarmed about it, but we do need to accept that I am showing signs of pregnancy induced hypertension. Ignoring reality does not change it. She asked if I wanted her to do an internal exam and I said "why not." She doesn't normally do internal exams, but in my case, we were staring to wonder if we needed to have the baby sooner rather than later. We found out that I have a favorable Bishop's score and she gave us the option of inducing labor by using Castor Oil this Sunday. She also said that if we choose not to, nothing bad will happen, we'll just check things again at my appointment next Tuesday. Its totally up to us.

Some people would see this situation and think that this is just another example of a first time mom being bullied into something she doesn't need by an intervention happy medical provider. I would like to clearly state, that isn't the case. I have a good midwife. She reserves the more intrusive interventions for those who actually need it. I'm a first time mom who is showing signs of PIH. If I were under the care of an OB I would already have been induced at 37 weeks and likely ended up with a primary c-section for failure to progress. If we choose to induce I will be 39w3d. I am aware that is possibly up to three weeks early if one allows a pregnancy to go to the extreme end of postdates. However, as with all things we need to do a personal risk/benefit analysis.

We have not decided to induce as of yet. It honestly depends on how I feel, what my blood pressure is doing, work schedules, and all sorts of miscellanea that many natural birth advocates cringe at. Would I agree to a c-section tomorrow? No. What about pitocin induction and amniotomy? Not likely. So why consent to castor oil? We're not sure yet. I am not comfortable with inducing just for the sake of having a baby. I can't say I'm not just a little bit impatient, but I need a better reason for inducing than that. Thats why we're reading everything we can, talking to others, and once again going through the decision process we've been perfecting over the entire pregnancy.

We have been preparing my body for labor for nine months. I've been eating well and exercising. A few weeks ago I started taking my evening primrose oil again. I took it while trying to conceive and I know it can help the body do what its already going to do. I don't think I've told my MW that I've been taking it. DH and I have been giggling about our nightly "prostaglandin injections." He's such a good husband, always thinking of his wife. If I'm too tired he'll remind me to think of the baby and then he'll take one for the team. *Please understand this is completely tongue in cheek, our bedroom can get a little silly at times. Its hardly drudgery in there.* I've been playing with the breast pump mainly out of curiosity. I'm totally amazed that I can pump a half ounce of "stuff" prior to even giving birth. Like I've said before I'm a body explorer. I've not found any information that would suggest any of these things are dangerous, though to someone who believes them to be interventions, the thought that I am doing this to alter the birth process would be abhorrent.

What it seems to come down to is that every woman takes her place on the birth spectrum. Some are where they are by choice, others are where they are because they fell out of place and were forced into another. I chose homebirth because it was right for me, not because it was more or less natural than any other choice. I am comfortable in my decisions because they have been well researched. We are taking responsibility for our birth. The main point is that it is our birth. That automatically takes it out of the realm of any one else's philosophy or belief. In the past 24 hours I've been told that it is both irresponsible to forgo interventions as well as irresponsible to consent to them. Those beliefs belong to the people that believe them and thats fine. I absolutely support any woman in her decision to decide for herself. Whether I agree with her decision or she agrees with mine is not part of the equation. We still don't know what we're going to do on Sunday, but either way it will be our decision and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

There IS a baby in my future!

2009-04-21T17:15:00.003-05:00

Today I had my *hopefully* my last prenatal with my midwife. I am 38w5d. My fundal height was 40 cm, thats an increase of 3 cm from last week! Baby is still active and her heart tones were good. I had my second internal exam and I'm only dilated to 1.5 cm BUT I'm 90% effaced! Thats a nice and ripe cervix. I've been taking evening primrose oil, using the breast pump, and DH and I have been having nightly "prostaglandin injections." Baby is sitting at a -1 station. My MW says that if we want to, we could take some castor oil this weekend and have a baby.

I'm not sure how I feel about inducing. The MW doesn't want me to go over due because of my blood pressure (its not super but its also not bad enough to freak over) and because (insert big baby card here). The sonographer said our LO was "borderline small" but the increase in my fundal height combined with manual palpitation says she's probably baby sized. On one hand my cervix is nice and ripe, which means that castor oil would likely do the trick. The MW doesn't strip membranes or break the waters unless we're staring down the barrel of 42 weeks. On the other hand, babies will get here when they're supposed to. I can't say that I'm not anxious to have this baby, but I don't want to induce just because I want her here. Just because we would be using castor oil and having the baby at home doesn't mean its any better/different from inducing in the hospital with pitocin. Right now the jury is out. She has told us that its up to us, we can do it if we want, but there is no pressure for the moment.

Please do not try this at home! This is the advice I got from my midwife who has been following me throughout my pregnancy. She knows me, my baby, and my general state of health. Using this advice outside of the confines of a good relationship with a medical provider could result in harm to you or your baby!

My MW's presciption is 6 oz. of odorless, tasteless castor oil in one large chocolate milkshake. (She says it has to be chocolate) Mix in the castor oil and separate the shake into three equal parts. Drink/eat one portion of milkshake per hour for three hours. I am also supposed to have Original Desitin on hand to apply to myself before the castor oil takes effect. Its to protect the bottom from the "caustic substances" that will be coming out. I'm supposed to reapply after each BM. She says the castor oil will take effect in an hour or so and there will usually be about three "rip roaring" bowel movements. After that there may be one or two little movements. She says that if I start at 8 a.m. I should be in a pretty good labor pattern by noon. She wants to be notified if I decide to do this, and what time on which day I'm going to do it. That way she can get herself and her posse on the road. It doesn't sound very pleasant. I'm worried about my butt. The MW says she's only had one case where this didn't work and she thinks its because the mom was holding back. She said that this method results in "very effective" contractions, and that when she used it (on baby number 6 or so) that it was her favorite labor.

So, are we going to induce? I don't know. I need to check the numerology for this coming weekend. We need to see how we feel about this. Is it the right thing to do? Is it going to make life better for me and baby or are we just getting impatient? DH is leaning towards induction and so is my labor assistant. Ultimately its up to me. I'm going to hit the midwifery archives and read up on castor oil inductions. I'll probably decide by Thursday or so. If we don't do it, our next appointment is next Tuesday and I'll be 39w5d.

My thoughts of Vaccination

2009-04-20T13:23:00.006-05:00

Mom's Tinfoil Hat did a short piece on childhood immunizations today, and it inspired me to organize my thoughts on the situation. First, just a little background information on my thought process. Forgive the lack of links to studies: This isn't a post that is meant to debate one side or the other, but rather one to give insight into the jumbled thought process of a mother who is 10 days from her due date.

I did not start out anti-vaccine. I guess I didn't start out pro-vaccine either. It was just one of those things that you do, like going to the hospital to have a baby. (We all see how that worked out for us.) I'm still not sure that vaccines are the cause of all the things that people claim they are, good or bad. I feel that my life is better for having never contracted diphtheria or lock jaw. Like the vast majority of those in my generation, I've never had polio. My great Aunt Birdena had braces on her legs as a result of a bout with polio in the 1940s. My father has gone through life completely unvaccinated. Having grown up part of a more traditional Quaker family, my father was born at home and he rarely went to the doctor. He had measles and mumps as a child. He's still here. My mother was fully vaccinated and she's still alive as well. My brother, myself, my husband, and most of the people I know were fully vaccinated. We're all alive and healthy. I don't know anyone with a vaccine injured child, and I only know a handful of people who are either not vaccinating or are holding off on vaccinating their children.

Given all of this, why would I question the safety and efficacy of vaccinations?

When I was a kid in the early 1980s I was given the MMR, DTP and Polio vaccinations. I think that worked out to about ten doses before I was allowed to enter school. Given the schedule at the time, I wouldn't have received more than two doses of vaccine at one time. I have no idea what was in those vaccines, but I'm sure they were chocked full of mercury and other toxic goodies. I know the DTP shot I was given has been taken off the market in the United States because of safety issues and that it has been replaced by the modern version, the DTaP. I remember getting a fever after my last set of shots before entering kindergarten. My experience with vaccines has been pretty mundane, so I didn't understand the hype behind the modern vaccine schedule. Then I looked at it.

Whereas DH and I got 10 shots before entering kindergarten, they want my child to get poked more than 30 times before she will be allowed into public school. Not only that, but some of the things they want me to vaccinate for seem dubious.

First there is the Hepatitis B vaccination. They want my child to have that right away. If I was giving birth in the hospital, there would be little chance of getting out of it. Now, there are some instances where you would want the child to be vaccinated. If the mother were infected with HepB or any of the close caretakers were carriers, then it would be a good idea for the baby to be protected through vaccination. At that point the benefits out weight the risks. However, in my situation, there is no one nearby that is HepB positive. That means that I need to weigh the risks of my newborn becoming either sexually active or an intravenous drug user against the risks of any adverse reaction. I'm not sure what the numbers are on HepB vaccine reactions, but I suspect its more than the number of newborns out there shooting up with prostitutes. I've had the HepB vaccination without problems, but I was 16, sexually active, and working in a nursing home where I was exposed to bodily fluids from people whose HepB status was unknown. It made sense for me to take the shot. It doesn't make sense for me to give my baby the shot.

The chicken pox vaccine is another shot that I question. Its one of those childhood diseases that on occasion can cause serious problems. The older you are when you get it the worse it is. I know, I was a teenager when I had the pox. I was miserable and I ended up with skin strep. I was sick for more than a month. I have permanent scars on my face from my ordeal. Why on earth then would I want to doom my child to such a horrible fate by not vaccinating against chicken pox? For one thing, my situation was fairly rare. I'm not sure why I never got the pox when I was younger, but it probably had something to do with my mother's paranoia about having us near any sick child. Secondly, chicken pox is not like the other childhood diseases we vaccinate against. Measles, mumps, and rubella can kill tens of thousands of people in a year. With chicken pox, the number is somewhere around 100, with half of those being children. The chances of my child being one of those 50 is pretty slim. There are also questions about whether the pox vaccine confers lifelong immunity. By going through what I did, I know that I will have lifelong immunity, but if I vaccinate my child, there is a reasonable chance that she will get to adulthood and her immunity will be compromised. That means unless she gets boosters (when was the last time you topped off your MMR?) she will be at risk for developing a more serious version of the disease. I'm just not convinced that vaccinating for chicken pox is the right way to go.

After HepB and Chicken Pox there is the flu shot. I don't take the flu shot, and I'm not getting it for my child. Each year there are big pushes for everyone to get vaccinated, then after flu season, a report is issued that says, "our best guess at the flu strain this year wasn't so good, the vaccine was only about 20% effective, but don't worry, we'll get it next year." That shot is so hit and miss with its effectiveness that I can't understand why anyone gets it at all. Nevermind that it is one of the few vaccines that still contains mercury.

That brings us to the question of whats in vaccines. We've all heard about the thimerisol debate. I'm not a scientist, I don't understand the intricacies of making vaccines work, but I do understand a few basic things. I know that mercury is poisonous. Any time someone opts not to put a poison into their body is a good thing. When the government takes steps to protect its people from others putting poisons into their bodies, that too is a good thing. So, thimerisol free vaccines = a good thing. Then there is aluminum. Of course there are no studies out there that say aluminum in vaccines = bad, there are some reasonable questions being asked. Mainly, how much aluminum at one time is too much? We know that aluminum can cause problems in large doses, but there haven't been enough studies into how much a tiny child can take without problems. Dr. Sears has an interesting article on it here. I'm pretty sure I would not knowingly give myself, my husband, or my cats aluminum toxicity, so I'm not sure why they think I should do it to my child. Again, I'm not convinced.

Having mentioned Dr. Sears, that brings up the modern debate. Of course there are those like Jenny McCarthy out there with Generation Rescue, but even though I admire her dedication to her cause, she's not a scientist or a doctor. For me, the debate about vaccines is best characterized by what has been going on between Dr. Robert Sears, and Dr. Paul Offit. On one side is Dr. Sears who, as a pediatrician, has seen many parents asking the same questions I am. Because Dr. Sears is both pro-vaccine, he finds real benefits in the vaccination program, and sensitive to his patients needs, he has developed an alternative schedule that allows parents to space out vaccinations without leaving any out. That means his patients are still fully vaccinated, just not on the same schedule as the CDC. Then there is Dr. Paul Offit, an M.D. and patent holder of one of the vaccines that the CDC recommends. His line is "Zere is nossing wrong vis the vaccines! Nossing bad ever happens! You are a crazy voman, krank in der kopf!" (I know he's not German, but every time I see him on TV its just what my mind does) Offit represents the majority of the medical community in that he tends to dismiss the questions of parents and likes to pin everything in mass hysteria. For someone like me, that doesn't help me see his side, it only makes me question his motives. Is he trying to protect his profits? I dont' know.

Researching vaccines is exhausting. Its hard to find reasonable people to talk to. Even though there are lots of informed moms out there, I'd like to find a medical professional that's willing to give me something other than the party line. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to worry about how safe the vaccines were. I wouldn't have to worry whether those who told me they were safe were just protecting their profits or their reputations. I wouldn't have to read articles about real families whose teenage daughters have been permanently damaged by a vaccine meant to protect them. I wouldn't be scared by the fact that one in 150 children has autism and no one knows why. The only stake I have in the debate is this child I'm carrying. I have no agenda to further other than the health and well being of my new family. Because the discussion gets so polarized so quickly, its difficult for people like me to sort it all out. As a result, I'm likely not going to vaccinate. Until the picture is clearer and I'm more comfortable with the situation, I cannot in good conscience put my child in that kind of danger. Yes the diseases we vaccinate against can be deadly, but the chance of dying or being damaged from the diseases seems dwarfed by the numbers of vaccine injured children out there. In time, we might change our minds, but I've got to see some better research first.

Is there a baby in my future?

2009-04-18T08:20:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 5 a.m. with an insatiable urge to clean the kitchen. I just couldn't get comfortable in bed no matter what I did. I've been kind of hot-flashy all morning. After cleaning the kitchen, I contemplated ironing the table cloth again but before I could decide I started throwing up. I feel absolutely fine for the most part. Could these be signs that there is a baby in my future?

GBS update and other stuff too

2009-04-17T10:29:00.003-05:00

I got a call this morning that my GBS test came back negative. Thats a relief in that I don't have to do anything special and given all of the drama surrounding doctors the past week, I'm glad that there is no reason to continue on the medical path for now.

Today I'm 38w1d and I'm getting impatient. Baby has slowed down quite a bit. She still moves regularly but she's not be-bopping around like she once did. I think she's running out of room. I got all of the test results in the mail from the other day and had a chance to look them over. In the pictures from the biophysical profile you can see that she still has her left hand up next to her cheek. Its been there since 18 weeks (I'm sure she's moved it, but thats where she likes to put it). I keep dreaming that she comes out with her hand grabbing her ear, so I'm preparing for the possibility of a nuchal hand during delivery.

I keep getting crampy down low. The other day it was strong enough that I had troubles walking. I have a hard time discerning a starting point or an ending point for the feelings so I know its not "the real thing." I haven't had any of the standard signs that labor is approaching so I figure I may be in this for the long haul. I'd love to have her by Sunday. That way she would still be an Aries and on Sunday, her numerology would match DH and me. We were both born on a Sunday. I'm a Leo, he's an Aries. We are both a 7 for our personalities. If she is born this coming Sunday, she'll be an Aries and a 7. A perfect match! *Ahh the joys of growing up in a Unitarian household*

Yesterday DH and I planted 200 privet hedges around the perimeter of our back lot. We have two crazy neighbors and we decided that a gigantic hedge was more environmentally friendly than a line of dead boards treated with arsenic. The completion of the hedge combined with the fact that DH finally got the bedroom doors on means that he is one of the few men in the universe to ever complete a honey-do list. Those two projects were the big ones that I wanted done before the baby could arrive and bless him, he got them done. Thats worth like a million husband points.

I've lounged enough today, my ankles are looking pretty good, so I'm going to go cause them to swell by cleaning the kitchen and catching up on laundry.

Am I a Mother?

2009-04-15T17:34:00.003-05:00

I am going to be a mother. What does that mean? What does it mean to me? I’m not sure that I know.

We thought long and hard about becoming pregnant. I remember when it started. Jake went to Germany for his summer session. It was the first time that we were really “apart.” Of course we had each left the other for several days or a week at a time to attend to individual family, school, or business but something about having several time zones in between us that changed things. It was during that summer I decided I wanted a baby. I was just turning 25.

When Jake returned from his sojourn I told him. I wanted a baby. We had been engaged for a few months and were planning a wedding for the spring. I think it was a surprise to him. I had never mentioned wanting a family, we were pretty focused on school and career. To his credit he listened to me without freaking out like I imagine some men do. We talked about the pros and cons of becoming parents at our age. Biologically, it’s the perfect time. Socially and financially; not so much. We did the basic hashing out of ideas on parenthood and babies, and then we tabled the discussion.

When we were married in March of 2008 we talked again about starting a family. I had a decent job with health insurance (that was one of our requirements for pursuing the baby making). I was due to graduate in May and we had settled into our new house. We figured that with my job (I was working for the local county government) my benefits would be good enough to get us through maternity leave and that baby could go to daycare after my leave was up. All that was left to do was throw out the birth control. When in late May I went through another “I want a baby” crying jag, DH just held me and asked, “Well why don’t we have one then?” I threw out the birth control pills on Memorial Weekend of last year.

After some research (you would think that’s all I do) we decided that temping and charting would be the best way to find out if I was ovulating and also the most efficient way to make with the baby. I had my last period the day before my 26th birthday.

Because I had been temping, I started peeing on sticks long before it was humanly possible to actually get a positive test. When that first positive test showed up it was so faint you couldn’t see it unless you took a picture of it and reversed the colors. Either way, I had my positive test, and I wasn’t able to keep it under my hat long enough to find a creative way to tell DH. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat when I picked him up from work. He guessed what had happened.

We ended up telling everyone right away. Screw waiting until the first trimester is over. So what if I miscarried. I had a baby growing in me and I was excited. I had always wondered what it was like to be pregnant. At first nothing changes. I never had morning sickness. It was pretty early on when I started spotting and thus started freaking out. I had my first ultra sound at 6 weeks. The thing looked like an olive and we named it “Squish.” Two weeks later, the spotting had stopped and we went back for another scan and our olive named Squish had turned into a baby shaped thing named Squish.

I was absolutely attached. Seeing that little baby shaped thingy be-bop around in there with a little fluttering heart totally amazed me. Was I a mother? Was Squish my child? My embryo? My soulless lump of cells that has no legal right to existence? I have no idea.

How do I define a “mother?” A mother cares for her child. She sees to its daily needs. She loves her child. She nurtures her child. She educates her child. A mother is a woman. So am I a mother? During the pregnancy I have cared for Squish. (At 18 weeks we found out that Squish was in fact a she and after much deliberation [Well mainly Jake shooting down the awful names I was coming up with: Ethel, Prudence, Euphemia, Hortense] Squish became Oriana, though I still like Squish) Over the past 37 weeks I’ve taken care of her daily needs, though mostly in a passive sense. I make sure she has what she needs by making sure that I’m eating good things. I don’t put things I don’t want her to have in my body. I love her. I don’t know when it happened. From the start I knew I didn’t want to be without her, but now the thought of waking up tomorrow and having her gone destroys me. Pregnancy has taught me that you can unconditionally love a stranger. I don’t know if you can nurture a child in-utero. I’m not sure what it means to nurture. I don’t know if you can educate a child in-utero, though I’m looking forward to teaching her all about the universe once she “gets here.” So, am I a mother right now at this very moment? Maybe.

I always talk about when the baby “gets here.” Jake thinks its funny, she’s already “here.” She exists. She’s sitting inside of me, on this couch, while I am writing this post. Right now I can feel her playing with her feet and I can see her pushing out my tummy. At this point its more than a little uncomfortable. Even though I have all of this evidence of her existence and I have a real and ongoing relationship with her, she is not yet “here.” I am not yet a mother. I don’t have a baby. I have a fetus. I look at babies born just a few days ago and think, “That’s what I have inside of me.” She is no different from them, except that she is in there and I am out here. I can’t see her. I can’t hold her in my arms. Her only cradle is my pelvis. I can’t look into her eyes.
I don’t “feel” like a mother yet. I can remember thinking early on, “I just don’t feel pregnant.” I had no idea what that meant because I had never been pregnant before. When I was finally able to feel her moving about I allowed myself to identify as “pregnant.” Pregnant, but not a mother. Why are the two separate in the beginning?

At what point does a woman become a mother? Is it when she conceives? Was I a mother to that olive I named Squish? Is it when the baby is born? When it takes its first breath? People always muse over when that olive becomes a child and therefore subject to the rights of a child. What about a mother? At what point during those 40 weeks of gestation does she become a mother? Is a woman who aborts a child in the first trimester a mother who has done away with her child or is she a woman who has rid her body of a lump of cells that threatened her lifestyle? Is a pregnant woman a potential mother in the way that olive was a potential child? I honestly don’t know.

I’m not distressed about the fact that I’m not sure if I’m a mother yet. I know that once this baby is in my arms I will definitely be a mother but it’s the gray areas of life that intrigue me. DH keeps saying that he is “going to be a daddy.” He uses the future tense. To him, he is not yet a father; he is the husband of a pregnant wife.

I keep thinking about how these questions will be moot next time around. They’re only valid with your first child. Once you have a child you are absolutely a mother and nothing can change that. Afterwards you are only adding to your brood. I keep wondering if I will feel differently. I am me. I keep close tabs on me and how I feel about me. Each year on my birthday I make a point to look in the mirror and say, “This is me today, how do I feel about that?” On my next birthday I will be a mother. I don’t know what that means.

Sharing

2009-04-15T15:26:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to share this blog I found. Its written by a very sensible L&D nurse, God love her.

Nursing Birth

Yesterday at the Midwife

2009-04-15T08:26:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I had my 37 week appointment with the MW. I was 37w5d, my fundal height was 37.5 cm and so far I've gained 24 lbs. Blood pressure was fine (duh) and my UA came out normal. (Double Duh)

Because this appointment wasn't really planned (Dr. Dick insisted I be seen, didn't she know how sick I was?) DH wasn't able to go, so I took one of my oldest friends and the woman who will be with us during the birth.

I've known M since we were in the second grade. We've gone through most trials and tribulations of growing up together. I was there with M for the birth of her first child. I detail the experience here. Ever since her "elective" repeat c-section, M has been searching for a way to get out of another "elective" surgery. When she heard I was having a home birth she was ecstatic. She has been holding off on having another child because she doesn't want another major surgery and because they told her they would have to tie her tubes after her third c-section. They said it would be too dangerous for her to give birth again after that. Her experiences with birth have left her feeling broken. Its hard a on a woman when she is told her body can't birth a baby; that she needs a man savior to extract her babies for her. She fought the uphill battle of exclusively breastfeeding her children after c-sections where she was under general anesthesia, and in an environment that causes her to need two jobs. (Take that Hannah Rosin) She is a wonderful mother but she's had to struggle against a system that makes her job of being a woman more difficult.

When we got to the MW's house we buzzed through my exam and then M had a chance to visit with the MW. She told her about how her first birth ended in an unnecessary surgery and how when she got pregnant again she couldn't find a doctor to do a VBAC. She had done the research and she knew that there was no reason she couldn't have a vaginal birth. She told about how even though she didn't buy the exploding uterus card, the dead baby card, or the dead mommy card, her husband bought it all hook line and sinker. Her greatest fear is that her husband wont "let" her have a VBAC.

The MW explained to her that there was nothing wrong with her. She could birth just like any other woman. Yes there are risks, but there are always risks in birth. She explained that with good nutrition and proper care, there was no reason she couldn't have her VBAC or HBAC if she wanted. I think that was the first time M had ever heard those words. She spontaneously hugged me.

M and I are alot alike. She's a strong, capable woman. We're Amazon women. She has two children and two jobs. She and I are sewing buddies. She wanted Scarlet O'Hara's barbecue party dress as her prom dress, so two weeks before the dance we set up shop in my parent's rec room and we sewed the dress out of red satin. It was hell, but it looked awesome when we were done. The main difference between M and I is our relationship with our men. DH and I are an equal partnership. We each do our own thing and support the other in whatever crazy endeavor they embark on next. M and her husband seem less balanced. He seems to get the final say in most matters. I cringed yesterday when she gave me a bag of awesome clothing she had, but he had "vetoed" their use. She wants me to talk to him about homebirth and all of the thought that goes into the decision. I'm not sure if he would listen to me, or even be open to it. What it comes down to is the fact that its her body and she needs to find the strength to assert control over it.

Thats part of the reason I want her at my birth. I want her to see birth in all of its glory. Together we have this sense that she needs it. We both still need to heal from that original birth trauma that was her daughter's birth. Even though I've never been experienced birth myself, I have this naive sense that its hard, sweaty, potentially painful work that can be empowering and fulfilling. I've decided that some people choose mountain climbing to challenge their bodies and minds, whereas I've chosen a natural home birth. I want M there to experience birth as a normal process devoid of machines that go BING! She has never had that and I know she's searching for it. We've talked about it countless times and I hope one day she will get to have the birth experience she's been searching for.

OB Update

2009-04-13T17:26:00.002-05:00

After the whole mess with Dr. Dick the other day I really didn't want to go back to another doctor. At this point in the pregnancy I'm tired of being poked and proded by strangers. I found a doctor about the same distance from me only this time in a town to the south. I made an appointment for today. Even though I didn't want to go to another doctor, I feel its irresponsible to show up at an emergency room in full blown labor with complications when you can have a doctor standing by that already knows your history. So, I sucked it up and went to the appointment.

This doctor is a private practice OB. He was an MD first and later got his OB/GYN. He's not affiliated with any hospital but he uses the hospital across the street from his office to deliver babies. When I got there the nurses were very nice. They let me explain to them that doctors offices make me nuts and any blood pressure reading they took would be out of whack.

The doctor was very nice. I explained to him that I was planning a home birth and I had a backup OB but I was no longer comfortable with that doctor taking care of me. I provided him with all of my records from my MW and OB. After looking everything over, he said that he wouldn't go on record as supporting a midwife because of liability issues, however, if I showed up at the hospital and said I was his patient, he would come and take care of me. He said that he wouldn't encourage home birth but "This is America, its your body, your decision."

*Gasp* I love you.

After that, he had me. We talked about the tests I'd had, and in about an hour, yes, an HOUR with an OB, we went our separate ways. He said there was no reason for him to see me again unless there were problems, but he would appreciate a call when I had the baby just so he knew everything was ok.

How incredibly awesome is that.

I was so nervous all weekend about this appointment. After the Dr. Dick situation I was done. I prayed constantly that this would work itself out, and thank God it did. I have a backup OB that is kind and understanding. I wish we had more time to get to know one another. By the grace of God there will be more babies and I will go back to him.

Tomorrow, its off to the MW again for my 38 week appointment. Last night DH was snuggled up to me and he asked, "Why can't I feel her moving?" I said, "because she's asleep." I poked around until I woke her up and she started squirming around. DH got his fill and I asked him why he was so interested, he said "I just wanted to make sure she's still there." Up to this point he's been really iffy about talking to a stomach. After the sonogram the other day where we saw her playing with her toes, and caught a glimpse of her hair, he has been dreamier. He said he's getting anxious to meet her. I'm anxious too, our lives are about to change, and I can't wait.

Monday Fluff - LuLu, My Delicate Princess

2009-04-13T16:01:00.016-05:00

The spring my precious Jo turned one, not-yet-DH and I felt that our lives were complete. Our little house was just right for us two humans, Jake's Wilfred and my precious Jo. Two peoples, two kittehs. One morning in early May, I walked out the front door and lo and behold there was a piece of fluff laying on our garden bench. I thought it was a baby bunny. I couldn't imagine how a baby bunny had gotten up on the garden bench. It was sort of gray and mottled in appearance. I touched the piece of fluff and it made the LuLu noise - prrrrp! It was a baby kitteh.

I thought to myself, "this will never do." I couldn't leave it there. It was a nice kitteh, kind of skinny, but we had our family. I decided to take the fluff to the local humane society. I was sure they would find it a home.

When I got to the humane society and told my story, the lady at the counter informed me that they were full. I could take it to one of the other vets where it would be put to sleep, or I could take it home. Maybe I knew of someone who wanted a kitteh.

So, I took the piece of fluff home and let it loose in the living room. It found the first toy mouse it could and played itself to exhaustion. Its attitude was one of "ok I'm home now." Jake came in and I explained the situation. He picked up the kitteh, (we knew it was a little girl by now) and it fell asleep. It turns out she was home.

We had a new addition to the family. All she needed was a name. We thought and thought and thought. Then we found out that the local Native American word for bunny was lulu. It fit. Her coloring still reminded me of a wild rabbit. We had a LuLu.

Over the next year LuLu became a full fledged member of the family. She got along well with the other two kittehs. Everyone loved everyone else.

Soon after LuLu turned one, we noticed that she was . . . well . . . expanding. We couldn't quite figure it out. The other two kittehs were quite fit. They all got the same amount of food and sharing bowls was out of the question. It simply wasn't done. We took her to the vet and she weighed in at a whopping 14.7 lbs.

So I bought her a MuMu. (Its a doggy dress for a medium dog)

Still not-quite-yet-DH didn't think it was enough that she be fashionably dressed. He felt she should be on a diet. We still didn't know why she was the way she was, but we thought perhaps it had something to do with her activity level. After all, few cats enjoy eating laying down.

It was decided that LuLu would go on a diet and we would try to exercise her more. We consulted the vet again, and we decided on the Sixteen-Dollar-Per-Bag-Catfood diet. LuLu was given a set amount of food, three times a day. She had a certain amount of time to eat it and when her time was up the food was put away. Because we had three kittehs, that meant the other two had to go on the diet with her. After a few weeks we had three very hungry kittehs. Wilfred and Jo were wasting away and LuLu was miserable. Our wallets were lighter too. The entire plan came crashing down when one day we returned home from school and LuLu had broken into the bottom cupboard in the kitchen. We found her laying on her back looking like a bloated goat (as she often does) in a pile of saltine crackers. The poor desperate creature was hungry enough to eat crackers. CRACKERS!!! The kitchen was covered in crumbs. I would give anything to have a picture of that scene.

After that we decided to love LuLu just as she is. Any kitteh desperate enough to pilfer crackers deserves a break. LuLu is now three years old and at last weigh in she weighs 25.3 lbs. Having a full-figured kitteh comes with its challenges. She has some personal hygiene issues. She can't quite reach all the places she needs to. Since becoming pregnant I can no longer do LuLu duty and DH has learned to fear the phrase "Honey, LuLu needs freshening up!"

LuLu is the most gentle kitteh in the whole world. She'll let you do anything to her. On Saturday mornings, LuLu and I take our beauty rest after DH goes to work. She snuggles up next to me in bed and I use her as a pillow. My 8-year-old SIL discovered her ability to transform into "LuLu, Queen of Sparkles"

DH loves LuLu, but he doesn't quite appreciate her nature. She's a delicate princess and he just doesn't get that. To him, she is our Meg. (He's a Family Guy fan) She's fat, she snores, and she needs "help." We've taken her to the vet off and on and his final diagnosis is that if she is happy, her coat is shiny and she seems well, then don't worry about it. Our other kittehs are still fit as fiddles, and LuLu is her magnificent self. The MuMu is a distant memory, she grew out of it seven pounds ago. LuLu loves to wrestle with Wilfred and Calliope. She has a sort of Sumo tactic she uses. She still eats laying down, though when DH sees it he will move her dish just out of reach so she has to get up. At this point we've given up on reducing her size. We just have to love her as God made her. My big, beautiful, delicate princess, LuLu.

Just a reality check

2009-04-11T00:44:00.001-05:00

Reality time!

Babies are meant to come out of VAGINAS and suck on BREASTS for their FOOD.

Pretty simple eh?

OB, Oh Boy!

2009-04-10T09:15:00.003-05:00

Well, yesterday was an adventure. I had my appointment with my backup OB for the GBS test. I have white coat hypertension. I told them that, but they still insisted on using the 138/90 reading to tell me that I have Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH) and to use that as proof that my midwife was a nut and I was putting myself and my baby at risk. So, we get there, the doctor comes in the room, doesn't say hi, anything and announces "Well, you've got high blood pressure." He had my records from my midwife in his hands showing no history of hypertension, but that didn't matter. He started in on me about how I needed a sonogram and a blood test etc. etc. etc. I started questioning him on his reasoning and he got visibly angry. He asked me what he was doing there if I wasn't going to listen to him anyhow. I told him I was there to get a GBS swab and thats it. After about twenty minutes of him insulting my intelligence and me insisting he clarify his reasoning (all of this while I'm sitting pantsless on the table) he informs me he's scheduling the tests and bids me goodbye.

I called my midwife from the exam room. She told me just to take the sonogram and the blood tests "just to shut him up." So I did. I gave Dr. Dick (not his real name) the MW's phone number so he could call her. Well what do you know, the blood tests came back perfect, no toxemia here, and we spent thirty minutes with a sonographer, watching the LO play with her toes.

The MW and I were on the phone off and on throughout the evening. It turns out I managed to find a misogynist obstetrician. He told the midwife over the phone that he's just not used to women coming into his practice and telling him what they will or will not do! After all, he's a DOCTOR. Apparently he didn't get the "My Uterus, My Rules" memo.

My MW called me last night after they called her with the test results. I knew last night that everything was fine. The sono put baby weighing at 5lbs 2oz., which as we all know can be incredibly inaccurate, but even so thats still within the normal range.

Dr. Dick called me this morning to tell me the blood tests came back fine. (duh) But baby was boarder line small which to him is an indicator of early PIH. He made sure to impart to me that pregnancy was incredibly dangerous for all involved and that even though I'm fine now, BAM dead baby card. (Is there an OB Bingo out there?) He asked me if I would be coming back. I told him "Honestly, not if I can avoid it. I wasn't impressed with your bedside manner or your acceptance of pregnancy as a normal, physiologic process." He then informed me that I wasn't going to make him feel bad and that if I wanted to be abusive towards him then that was my business. He hung up on me.

What a great guy.

I went to see this doctor on the recommendation of a friend. She had three easy pregnancies and found him to be pretty hands off. At our first visit, I told him I was planning a home birth and I gave him all of the info for the midwife. He scheduled my 20 weeks sonogram and gave his blessing for me to go to the MW for the next several appointments. When my 20 weeks ultrasound came back without abnormalities, I cancelled my follow up with him and went back to my MW. I hadn't seen him since the first trimester. Yesterday was partly the result of me not going back to him after that sonogram. He was mad. Then it comes out that as a woman, I'm not supposed to question the Doctor/God's judgement. After all, what do I know, I've never had a baby before whereas he's delivered hundreds. In the end I got my GBS swab, they're going to call the MW with the results next week. All of my tests proved him wrong, my blood pressure was a fluke, but that wasn't enough. He had to play the dead baby card during my morning coffee. During yesterday's "exchange" he told me that I had made up his mind on this whole homebirth thing, he was never going to support another one. I thought to myself, who would want you to?

Midwife, GBS, Cross nursing, etc.

2009-04-07T13:35:00.005-05:00

I had my appointment with the midwife today. My fundal height is right at 37 cm. Everything is boring and normal except that I have thick ankles. If I stand for too long they swell, if I sit for too long they swell. This just started but its not serious. I am 36w5d today which means this Thursday we reach term. The MW has basically given us the green light to have the baby whenever. Thats a relief given the fact that up until now every little cramp could be seen as potential pre-term labor. Its nice to know that if something starts then I can just go with the flow.

About the GBS test: MW really wants me to get the test. She said she has lost babies to GBS before and if we know that I'm a carrier then we can watch the baby very closely. She would also put me on Immunosupport and possibly some colloidal silver. I'm going to go ahead and have the test done on Thursday when I see my backup. My MW sees no reason why we can't go ahead with a homebirth even if I test positive.

There have been many posts about cross nursing floating around the blogosphere. I answered a poll the other day and said that if the opportunity arose, I would nurse another woman's child. Today, I asked DH what he thought about cross nursing. He said that if we knew the woman and were comfortable with her, then he had no problem with me nursing her child or her nursing our child. On the other hand, he felt that strangers cross nursing was like "eating a lollipop you found on the street." I can see his point, and it made me think of this:

To Test or Not To Test . . .

2009-04-06T14:16:00.008-05:00

This coming Thursday I have an appointment with my backup OB for my Group B Strep (GBS) swab. This test is part of the normal pre-natal package for women in the United States. Somewhere between 35 and 37 weeks you get your vagina and perineum swabbed and the sample is sent off to the lab to be cultured for GBS. If it comes back negative its no big deal. If it comes back positive then there is a chance that you can pass GBS to your baby during delivery which can result in neonatal GBS disease. The standard treatment for a GBS positive woman is intervenous antibiotics during labor. The idea is that the antibiotics will pass through the placenta and reduce the chance of infection for the baby.

So, whats the big deal? Why not just get the test?

Its become apparent that I can't take any medical advice at face value these days. It seems I have this odd urge to look things up for myself. I went to the CDC website to get some facts about GBS. Here is what they say in their "Protect Your Baby from Group B Strep!" pamphlet:

Your baby can get very sick and even die if you are not tested and treated [for GBS].
In the United States, about 1 in 4 women carry this type of bacteria.
Each time you are pregnant, you need to be tested for GBS.
The medicine to stop GBS from spreading to your baby is an antibiotic given during labor. The antibotic (usually penicillin) is given to you through an IV (in the vein) during childbirth. If you are allergic to penicillin, there are still other choices to help treat you during labor.

Basically, what this pamplet says is that 1 in 4 women (25%) carry a type of bacteria that can cause her baby to "get very sick and even die." Sounds pretty scary. But surely not every woman who is a GBS carrier gives birth to an infected baby? I went in search of some hard numbers from the CDC.

I found some in the GBS FAQ. Here are a few snipits from that page:

Group B strep is the most common cause of life-threatening infections in newborns.
In the year 2001, there were about 1,700 babies in the U.S. less than one week old who got early-onset group B strep disease. (authors note: GBS infections are categorized as early-onset [happening within the first week of life] and late-onset [anytime after the first week])
Premature babies are more at risk of getting a group B strep infection, but most babies who become sick from group B strep are full-term.
Most early-onset group B strep disease in newborns can be prevented by giving pregnant women antibiotics (medicine) through the vein (IV) during labor.

That really didn't help much. It didn't tell me much more than the first CDC publication. It basically reinforced the idea that GBS is dangerous and scary but it can be taken care of with antibiotics. The fact that in 2001 there were 1,700 babies in the U.S. who were diagnosed with early-onset GBS disease doesn't help much either. It doesn't tell me how bad it was, if these babies died, or what the long-term outcomes were. Maybe my problem was that I was looking at information designed for the "general public." I decided to delve into the information for "professsionals." Here are some facts from the GBS Technical Overview for hospitals and healthcare providers:

The rate of early-onset infection has decreased from 1.7 cases per 1,000 live births (1993) to 0.5 cases per 1,000 live births (2000). Since active prevention began in the mid 1990s, the rate of group B strep disease among newborns in the first week of life has declined by 70%. . . Since 1998, the incidence of early-onset disease has begun to plateau.
Death occurs in 5% of infants

Now we actually have something. Prior to implementing universal screening and antibiotic prophalaxis there were 1.7 cases per 1,000 live births. By their numbers that means in a population of 1,000,000 infants there were 1,700 cases of early-onset GBS. Of that 1,700, 5% would have died. Thats 85 dead babies. That number doesn't tell us about those that were permanently harmed, but it at least gives us the death rate of GBS infection provided you don't do anything about it.

Thats the story from the CDC. GBS is scary and deadly but thanks to CDC guidelines they have been able to reduce the risk and save countless babies from death or disability. Now we all know that the United States lags behind several other countries in infant mortality rate and since GBS must be a contributing factor in those numbers, I thought I would check out how other countries are dealing with it. I chose the UK because we have similar populations and they rank 14 or 15 spots ahead of us in infant mortality.

My first stop was the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynocologists. I found out that they had an informational pamphlet just like the CDC. Its designed for the "general public." Here are a few gems from that publication:

About a quarter of pregnant women in the UK carry GBS in their vagina (same as the U.S.)
GBS carriage is not routinely screened for during pregnancy in the UK. (!?)
Out of every 2000 newborn babies in the UK and Ireland, only one is diagnosed with neonatal GBS, but it can be very serious. (thats the same as the U.S.'s numbers with our active prevention policy)
Around one baby dies out of every ten who are diagnosed.
Currently the evidence suggests that screening all pregnant women routinely would not be beneficial overall. You can be tested privately for GBS but the RCOG does not recommend this because a positive test may possibly result in unnecessary and potentially harmful interventions.
It is important to be aware that a negative swab test does not guarantee that you are not a carrier of GBS.
One of the potential harms of screening for GBS carriage during pregnancy is that large numbers of women would be given antibiotics during labour. The possible risks of this are: death or serious injury to a very few women from an allergic reaction(anaphylaxis) to the antibiotics, [and] strains of bacteria becoming resistant to antibiotics.

Wow. In the UK they have a lower rate of both infection and death from GBS and they don't routinely screen or treat for it. In fact, they think the risk of giving a large population of women antibiotics during labor could cause more problems than it fixes. I went looking for something that could put this together for me. I found an article on GBS at a mainstream women's health website that serves the UK. In the article the author states that "In the UK, ENGBSS [Early Neonatal Group B Streptococcal Septicaemia] occurs in 0.3/1000 neonates. In the US it is 3/1000." Because of this, "The difference in numbers between the US and UK mean that it may be worthwhile screening for this bacteria in the US, whereas in the UK because of its rarity, screening is unlikely to have a significant impact on neonatal deaths." Ok so, in both countries 1 in 4 women or 25% of them, have GBS present in their systems. Why then is the infection rate so different? Why are American women more likely to transmit GBS to their infants? The only thing I could find was in the Gentle Birth archives where an anonymous midwife states:

Any caregiver can introduce GBS also. I have watched docs and midwives when they do vaginals. They lube up and then do this little wipe of the vulva with their fingers (almost like foreplay) to lube up the woman. During that wipe they can easily pick up GBS and insert it with their fingers. And it is not unusual for anyone who has delivered in hospital to have GBS.
As everyone knows, docs do vaginals on the first visit of a pregnancy (for pelvimetry and STD checks). I believe that with that first vaginal they can introduce GBS to the cervix and all too often do.
If a caregiver is going to do a vaginal in early pregnancy (& even in late) then the vulva should be wiped first with a microbial swab.
Far better to avoid GBS then have to treat it.

Now that is far from scientific, but it makes sense. We know that every vaginal exam increases the risk of infection in any case. We also know that use of internal monitors provide a direct line into the uterus for bacteria. Its posssible that the over-medicalized maternity system in the US is partially responsible for the increased rate of GBS transmission. However, I have yet to find any scientific literature that addresses the discrepencies between the US and the UK. I am not positive that the birth system in the UK is any less medicalized than the US's, however I do know that midwives are more available and that they are less likely to engage in excessive vaginal exams or internal monitoring than are obstetricians.

The main thing that struck me about the UK policy was its view on antibiotics. The policy makers across the pond cite the concern that over use of antibiotics will result in resistant strains, as well as the concern about adverse reactions. What does all of this antibiotic use do? I found an article on MedScape (you have to register to read it, but registration is free) about GBS. It pretty much follows the narrative of the CDC but towards the end, the editor notes:

No strategies exist to prevent late-onset disease, although more than half of reported cases of neonatal GBS disease now occur during the late-onset period. In addition, concern continues among health officials that widespread intrapartum antimicrobial use might delay, rather than prevent, GBS disease onset, resulting in increased rates of late-onset disease. No evidence exists to suggest an increase; however, careful monitoring of disease trends remains a priority. (emphasis mine)

Thats pretty interesting. Its possible that giving antibiotics to all GBS carrying women is only delaying the infection until past the first week of life. Other studies I've found have suggested that widespread prophalactic antibiotic use for GBS women is resulting in antibiotic resistant infections from other sources. Another source found that more than one-third of GBS infections of the most common strain were resistant to the antibiotics used most often to treat the infection. Thats frightening. More superbugs. Then one has to look at the research showing that use of antibiotics by both mother and child increases the risk of things like allergies, eczema, and asthma. The choice starts to get more difficult than it was in the beginning when all I knew was that the CDC says GBS is scary and deadly.

So what is a woman to do. There are a few choices:

Get the test and take the recommended action
Don't take the test and wait until labor and see if any of the risk factors appear. Both the U.S. and the U.K. use the same guidelines for women in labor who are of unknown GBS status. If the woman has prolonged rupture of membranes (>18 hours), runs a fever (over 100.4), has had a previous baby with GBS disease, or has gone into labor before 37 weeks, she is considered at higher risk for transmitting GBS to her baby. The decision to treat with antibiotics can be made at that time.
Get the test and use alternative treatments like vaginal washing during labor if GBS positive.
Do absolutely nothing and if the baby presents with symptoms (fever, difficulty feeding, lethargy, difficulty breathing) any time after birth then seek immediate medical attention.

Knowing all of this, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I do know a few things. I know that if I take the test and it comes back positive, then I will refuse prophylactic antibiotics in labor. I am allergic to penicillin, ampicillin, clindamycin, erythromycin, and cipro. That pretty much covers the antibiotics available. In the rare event I have an infection that needs antibiotics I can only take bactrim and tetracycline, both of which are not recommended in pregnancy. I am very selective about when I use antibiotics because I'm slowly running out of options. I also have fairly severe asthma and other allergies. I've been doing everything I possibly can during this pregnancy to reduce the chances my child will go through what I've been through. The risks of using antibiotics during labor in my case are fairly high.

Given that I know I wont treat prophylactically if a positive result comes back, then whats the point in taking the test? I am having a home birth. In the event I present with a fever or prolonged rupture of membranes, those would be indications to transfer. Once at the hospital we can inform the attending of my unknown GBS status and I can be treated from there. I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow and we'll discuss all of this at length. I'm not willing to do nothing. I'm not going to risk the life of my child. I think I would be more comfortable without the test and then treating if signs arise. I'm always skeptical of any medical recommendation that says "we should do this one thing to all of the people, all of the time."

I would really appreciate it if this post was spread around. I would like as much input on this subject as possible. Send me studies, criticise my logic, help me move on to a more perfect decision. I'll let everyone know what the midwife says about it tomorrow.

Just a disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor am I a statistician. None of this is designed to give anyone advice, its just an example of the thought process of where I'm going with my decision and how I got here. I'm still going to discuss all of this with my midwife and backup OB so we can decide what the safest course of action is. You, as a reader should do the same. Look at the available evidence and then work with your health care providers to have the safest, healthiest birth possible for you and your child.

What do you think they're for?

2009-04-03T14:33:00.003-05:00

I just can't quite figure out whats going on here. Why is it that all of a sudden there seems to be a vocal group of . . . people . . . out there that have decided lactivism should be nipped in the bud? By now we've all heard of Hanna Rosin's article in The Atlantic that shall not be named here. Then there's Judith Warner at "Domestic Disturbances" who wants to "Ban the Breast Pump". The Feminist Breeder had a nice, light hearted response to the article here. A gentleman journalist at The Vancouver Sun asks "Breastfeeding vs. Formula: Are They Really That Different?". What these three pieces and the scads of people out there who agree with them have in common, is the idea that there are militant lactivists running about making any mother who does not exclusively breastfeed feel guilty. Mom's Tin Foil Hat has a post on this idea over here.

I can't quite figure out where this is really coming from. Most of this discussion is coming from upper-middle class, white women who aren't dealing well with the transition to motherhood. I can't pretend to understand their "plight." In Rosin's article she complained that breastfeeding was a ticket to coolness amongst the other urbanite crunchy mommies at the playground. Rosin, Warner and their co-horts blame breastfeeding for taking away their dignity and independence. In their minds the only reason to breastfeed is because if you don't then you'll feel guilty because of the evil lactivists.

Now, I'm not even going to get into the science of it all. Human milk for human babies = Duh. But where on earth did people get the idea that 1) Lactivists and breastfeeding mothers are some militant majority hell bent on running roughshod over the self-esteem of a bottle feeding, yet more independent minority and 2) Breastfeeding is something that only uber-mommies do, like Gucci diaper bags and organic juice.

For one thing, the vast majority of women don't breastfeed. Yes its claimed that 61% of moms initially breastfeed but that number drops precipitously as time goes on. A very small number continue to nurse for the recommended one year. Lactivists and breastfeeding mothers are vocal because they have to be. No one is going to ask you to leave the restaurant because you're giving your child a bottle. No one is going to suggest that you're abusing your two year old because she still sucks on a bottle for comfort. No one is going to insinuate that maybe you get some sort of perverse sexual pleasure out of feeding your child. Even if a woman overcomes the social obstacles of breastfeeding she still has to deal with crap like this. Just go read the site. You would think these women were being shamed into feeding their children in bathroom stalls.

The second thing that really gets me with this is the idea that breastfeeding is an upper-class fad. On the surface it seems that breastfeeding is limited to that crowd, but I know tons of women, like myself, that either are breastfeeding or plan on breastfeeding exclusively because we can't afford formula. My husband works at the local grocery store and he tells horror stories of families not paying their bills so they can shell out the $20+ per can of formula to keep their children alive. Nevermind the fact that human milk for human babies = Duh, deep down inside I almost feel that formula companies are another example of multi-national corporations preying on the poor and uneducated. Emily at Adventures in [Crunchy] Parenthood has a wonderful discussion on the topic of breastfeeding and class here. My SIL is one of those moms who refused to breastfeed because "thats what poor people do." In her mind, breastfeeding is a sign that someone can't afford formula and is therefore part of the lowest class of society.

What it comes down to is women who want to breastfeed are really trapped on both sides. We have educated career women telling us that it will never work because we'll never be worth as much as a man so long as we have a baby attached to our breast. We have moms at the bottom end of society that don't breastfeed because they see breastfeeding as a symbol of poverty. We live in a society where breasts = sexual objects not food for babies. Then to top it all off, just when we start getting the word out that yes, the breast is best, we have the vast majority of mothers in society screaming that what we're doing is making them feel guilty. Honestly, I don't care about your guilt. If you are part of the 5% of women out there that genuinely cannot or should not breastfeed then you have my sympathy. Otherwise I could care less how you feed your child, but I expect you to keep your mouth shut about how I want to feed my child. You have the strength of a misinformed, puritanical, judgmental society behind you. All I have is a smattering of state laws that promise not to throw me in jail for feeding my child in public. Don't go making a case against breastfeeding, or rant about banning the breast pump. Just because you can't mother and feel fulfilled as a woman in a man's world doesn't mean that I'm after the same thing. If you feel guilty for not being as committed to being a mother as you think you should be, don't blame me. Look within yourself, your marriage, and your family to understand why you're not doing the job you think you should be.

More this and that

2009-04-02T16:21:00.004-05:00

I haven't quite been myself since Jo had to be put down on Monday. I was out of town when DH called and said it had to happen. I had taken my grandma shopping and for the life of me I couldn't get her to hurry up. I wanted to be there when it happened. In the end, I missed the end of my dear kitty's life and instead of being able to hold her and grieve before she was buried, DH's best friend who had come to help dig the grave felt the need to make several dead cat jokes before I gave up and let them put her in the ground. The whole thing has caused anger issues and a fine round of swollen ankles.

In addition to the whole Jo thing, my midwife emailed me to let me know that I should schedule an appointment with my backup OB to have a Group B Strep swab done. I've been avoiding going back to him because I know that deep down he isn't supportive of my decision to have a home birth. I called the office and spoke with the nurse. She said they would schedule the test for next week but we would have to "talk" because I hadn't been a "reliable patient." I actually haven't been in to see the backup since my first trimester. He scheduled my 20 weeks ultrasound and when the reports came back normal, I canceled my follow up appointment. I was miffed when the indication field on the sonogram report read "measuring large for dates." He hadn't seen me in two months. There's no way he could know how I was measuring. That, combined with the sonogram tech's note that the "exam was difficult due to patient body habitus" (Read: Patient is too fat) I decided not to go back. That was the same sonogram tech that asked me if I had even asked my midwife what she does in case of complications. (Didn't I know that having a home birth was akin to skydiving without a parachute?!) I go see my midwife on Tuesday and I'm going to visit with her about the cost/benefit ratio of getting the GBS test done. I know that if it comes back positive I'll refuse antibiotics. I'm not comfortable with the increased risk of asthma from antibiotics in labor or the reduction in good gut bacteria that comes from antibiotic exposure. I told DH today that the only way to ensure that I can get out of that appointment is to have the baby before then. I wouldn't take anything to induce, but I'm seriously considering stepping up the nookie in the next week.

To top everything off, today I got a formula sample in the mail. It went straight into the trash. I'm not sure why it made me so mad, but it did. I thought about calling the company and throwing a fit, or possibly writing "REFUSED" on it and putting it back in the mail box, but in the end, I just threw it away. I don't even want the stuff in the house. I haven't bought a single bottle and I don't intend to do so until its time to start pumping so DH can feed the LO while we're at school.

My pregnancy is coming to a close. Today I am 36w0d. That means I have 6 weeks tops before the LO arrives. I've said all along that I'd rather have her a little early than late. I want an Aries baby, not a Taurus if I can help it. Given all that I've been through to keep interventions at a minimum I'm not willing to take anything or actively try to induce labor, however I don't think stepping up the frequency of nookie or visualization would "count" as interventions. I'd like to weigh myself but the fat kitteh broke the scale. I'd hate to be surprised on my appointment day, but at this point I can't do much damage. At last appointment I had gained a total of 13 lbs throughout the pregnancy. The LO is head down and she moves from LOA to ROA at will which means she hasn't engaged much yet. My cervix is nice and soft and dilated to about 2 cm. I don't know if I should be "messing around up there" as DH puts it, but I'm terribly curious. I've always been a body explorer. I think its absolutely awesome that I can feel her head. I wanted DH to feel but he declined. The look on his face when I asked was absolutely priceless. He has decided that any prodding on the child before it makes its entrance into the world is immoral at worst and not nice at best. I'm completely depressed about the fact that I have thick ankles. The midwife has prescribed cucumbers to reduce the swelling. Its not horrible, but its more than I'd like it to be. The right ankle swells more than the left for some reason. I'm getting really anxious to meet our baby. The thought of something squirmy in a onesie almost puts me into elated hysterics. I'm looking forward to labor, birth, nursing, all of it. I'm a very experience oriented person (for better or worse) and I'm ready for the challenges of it all. The nursery is finally finished and hopefully, the evil sonogram tech was right and this baby is a girl, otherwise our first born son will have the loveliest pink nursery ever.

R.I.P. Jo 2004 - 2009 My little black cat with yellow-green eyes.

2009-03-30T17:34:00.000-05:00

I'm too sad to post it all, but we had to put Jo to sleep today.

Mother Mary's Soapbox

I'm Angry

And life goes on . . .

Recovering

Toddler to Teenager in a Matter of Months

Tomorrow is the Big Day! + Long Update about Life

A quick check in

Im back, and pregnant again!

Sabbatical

Global Breastfeeding Challenge

Are you Army Strong?

Just a Quick Note on Having Your Life Turned Upsidedown

Forbes has caused me to have a *headdesk* moment

Global Breastfeeding Challenge

I just had to share

Does Eating Paper Qualify as Eating Solids?

Breastfeeding in the Quad

Aaaaargh!

New Sleeping Arrangements: Part 2

Is it time?

First Tooth!

ACOG Silliness

She wears many hats

You're Potty Training Already?!?!!

Reducing Infant Mortality

A call for advice: Vacationing away from a breastfed baby

The cutest picture in the universe

The Joys of Breastfeeding

Back Home

Going on a Trip

Updating Everything!

Its mai birfday

Again?

A Big Decision

Nursing Nonsense

Birdie Goes to the Pool

Summer Tragedy

Bonding

Vaccine Chicken Out

Breastfeeding Hurdles

Baby training

The Zombie Bones of Johnny Carson

My first time away

OK, I've done it!

June Carnival: Breastfeeding in Public

Today Show Fail

The Good Ol' Boys at the AMA are at it again!

My position on abortion

Dear Emmie

Tiller's Clinic To Close Permanently

Babywearing Success!

What do you do when your child doesn't want to be attachment parented?

Late Term Abortions

Abortion Doctor George Tiller Killed

I'm attached

24 hour stay for a c-section???

3 almost 4 weeks old

Breastfeeding Oriana

Blacktating is a Year Old!!

The First 18 Days

WTF is up with SVU?

Baby Progress

Happy Mother's Day

Birth Story - Oriana Violet

Quick Update

Our Oriana

Its a Girl!

Today is the day!

40w1d

Just a couple of things

I'm still me

Reflections

Christening Gown

How Wide is the Birth Spectrum?

There IS a baby in my future!

My thoughts of Vaccination

Is there a baby in my future?

GBS update and other stuff too

Am I a Mother?

Sharing

Forbes has caused me to have a headdesk moment