I'm Angry

I'm angry. Incredibly angry. That combined with overwhelming sadness seem to be the only two emotions I'm capable of expressing over the past few days. I hate going out in public because I will inevitably see someone who is happy and I will get angry. Last night we went to dinner with my brother and his wife. About halfway through the night the anger set in. I made it home before the tears started but the ultimate result was that I was up all night, angry at myself, the world, everything. I don't feel that anyone has a right to say anything to me about it. Well meaning friends and family members will ask me how I'm doing, or god forbid, offer up one of those meaningless platitudes (I'm sooo sorry) and it will all start again.

My husband is just as sad and angry as I am. A major part of me feels that he has no right to feel that way. He didn't have to go through it. I did. I understand it was just as much his child as it was mine, but rational feelings are few and far between these days. I am angry at the hundreds of miscarriage support websites out there. They're all about grieving and letting go of a baby you lost. I didn't lose a baby. It was some sort of misshapen corpse. It wasn't some perfectly formed little angel that I could have buried and built a shrine to. It was chunks of dead tissue. That makes me angry.

I am angry at the women who tell me about their miscarriage at 5 weeks, or 6 weeks, that resulted in a a heavier than normal period. They didn't labor on a toilet and sift through what was left of their dreams to find out what had gone wrong. They built shrines to their babies. They have little angel baby references in their signatures on miscarriage message boards. I am angry that I'm scared to try again. I'm even angrier that my husband is scared to try again. It makes me angrier yet that my mother and grandmother tell me to never try again. I want more kids. I want them sooner rather than later. This has been a horrible experience. I can't give up just because of this.

My first reaction has been to crawl in a bottle of wine and spend the next six months drunk. I can't do that. I have the Bird to take care of. During the day I take care of her, but at night, I get angry. Very, very, very, angry.