Preliminary reports are coming out of Wichita Kansas that Dr. George Tiller was shot and killed at his church this morning. George Tiller was hated by the pro-life sector because he performed late term abortions.
This situation brings so many issues to the forefront. First, women have been deprived of a health care provider that for years had put his life on the line to ensure that they had safe access to a medical proceedure most people would not perform. Late term abortion isn't about killing babies that would have otherwise lived, in many cases its about saving the life of a mother who for whatever reason would not survive. Or what about those babies that have severe physical malformations that would only bring a short and painful existence? I may not agree with some reasons women give for having the proceedure but it is their bodies and their choices.
The thing that upsets me the most about this murder is that I would bet my bottom dollar that whoever did this identifies himself as pro-life. What is this going to do to the pro-life movement? They are now associated with murderers. They somehow escaped the lable of "terrorist" when they were associated with the bombing of his clinic in the 1980s. He was previously shot in both arms in the early 1990s. How can you be pro-life and murder someone? How can you be pro-life and support the death penalty? How can you be pro-life and support a war? What about the people that have a real desire to reduce the number of abortions? This has upset me greatly. Here in Kansas we don't take kindly to extremism. I'll be interested to see how our state reacts. I'll be interested to see how the pro-lifers and neo-cons respond.
When it happened my grandma called me. She's a little old Lutheran lady who doesn't hold any strong political opinsions. She called the murderer an SOB and then told me about women she knew that had abortions because they had to. Of the pro-life sector she said, "those people are against everything."
My sympathies go out to the family of Dr. George Tiller and I hope they catch the SOB that did it.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I'm attached
Today our little Birdie is four weeks old. Its been both the fasted and slowest four weeks of my life. Tonite, DH, myself and my brother went to see a movie. This wasn't the first time I left my Birdie. At two weeks, my brother and I went to a movie and Birdie stayed with her daddy. Night before last DH and I went to dinner and Birdie stayed with my parents for an hour. Tonite we were gone for three hours while she stayed with grandpa. We own exactly one bottle for such events. She will grudgingly take the bottle but when we're reunited she wants to nurse immediately. Tonite, two hours into our outing I needed my baby. I needed to hold her, snuggle her, kiss her, smell her, feed her, etc. When the movie let out I nearly assaulted DH for his phone (I had conveniently forgotten mine at home) so I could call my dad and hear that everything had gone well. He said she had been an angel and that she had just eaten. I was in the car before DH and Dan were even out of the theater. I almost sprinted to the door when we got to my dad's. Dad was holding her (she likes to sleep on his tummy, grandpa is soft) and she was sleeping soundly.
I wasn't worried about her, I just needed her. It was a physical and psychological need. She's comfortable staying with my dad because she can sense that I'm comfortable with it. They love each other so much already. Its awesome. What I didn't realize until tonite was how strong my attachment was to my daughter. She hasn't really woken up since we got home, though she wanted to nurse right away. On the way home I asked DH how he does it. I couldn't leave her for eight hours each day. He said it was incredibly hard. When he went back to work his dad asked him if it was hard to leave each morning. He said it was.
When I mentioned my intense attachment my brother told me I should be careful about that. He doesn't think its good to be "too attached." I told him he's been watching too much Lifetime. Jake told me that he would rather have me attached. He said I was a good mother. (beam) I never thought I could love someone so much. Its absolutely unreal.
I wasn't worried about her, I just needed her. It was a physical and psychological need. She's comfortable staying with my dad because she can sense that I'm comfortable with it. They love each other so much already. Its awesome. What I didn't realize until tonite was how strong my attachment was to my daughter. She hasn't really woken up since we got home, though she wanted to nurse right away. On the way home I asked DH how he does it. I couldn't leave her for eight hours each day. He said it was incredibly hard. When he went back to work his dad asked him if it was hard to leave each morning. He said it was.
When I mentioned my intense attachment my brother told me I should be careful about that. He doesn't think its good to be "too attached." I told him he's been watching too much Lifetime. Jake told me that he would rather have me attached. He said I was a good mother. (beam) I never thought I could love someone so much. Its absolutely unreal.
Friday, May 29, 2009
24 hour stay for a c-section???
I just got word from my friend. She had her baby by planned c-section on Tuesday and they let her go home after 24 hours! She doesn't live here so I don't know what hospital she had her baby in, but honestly, 24 hours?!?! That's major abdominal surgery! My mother had a hysterectomy and they kept her five days! I don't know what J's complete situation is. Knowing her and her husband, I would imagine they either don't have insurance or are on state insurance. This was a planned c-section because I believe she had one with her first child. I'm not going to harrass her for details right now considering she's at home with a three year old and a newborn only two days out from major surgery. Hopefully she'll recover quickly and there will be no complications. What could have that doctor been thinking?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
3 almost 4 weeks old
Here is our little lady. She's almost four weeks old already. She weighs 8 lbs 2 oz. and is now 20 1/2 inches long. I don't care what the developmental experts say, she's been giving us "social smiles" for a week or better. She smiles when she gets kisses andwhen Dad comes home. She's a pretty happy baby but she has her mother's patience. When she needs something, she needs it five minutes ago. We're planning her baptism for the 7th. The entirety of DH's family will be here. We're having a "Meet the Baby BBQ" the day before the ceremony. It will be the first time his family meets mine. I'm more than a little scared, but I'll be happy to see his family. His sister is going to be here from Indiana. We haven't seen her in almost five years. She and I were friends before DH and I got together. I can't wait to take pictures
So what happens when your child develops a nickname? I started calling Oriana Birdie when she was born because of the face she makes when she's hungry. She looks like a little baby bird. Even though she has a lovely name like Oriana, I'm afraid Birdie is going to stick. Our family has a habit of giving nicknames that have nothing to do with the person's actual name. My grandparents still call me Sue. Of my grandpa's eleven brothers and sisters there isn't a one that goes by their actual name. Gilbert = Jack, Ethel = Pinky, Walter = Corky and so on. Maybe for our generation Oriana = Birdie. Right now she's nursing and I'm waiting on laundry to finish. Once we're done here we're going to take a walk over to papa's (my dad's) and hang out there for lunch.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Breastfeeding Oriana
Breastfeeding is weird. I'm not sure what I mean by that. I'm sitting here, watching my baby drink from my breast and I don't quite understand what I'm seeing. She's sucking diligently with her eyes closed. She's being nourished. We weighed her today using a baby sling and a fish scale from my tackle box. She's gained two pounds. Somehow my body is making food. I am food. I wonder how she views our relationship. Does she know I'm a person? Does she know she's a person? Does she feel that I'm "mom"? Or am I just food? I feel for my husband when he apologizes to his crying baby for not having food. There's not a bottle in the house.
What does it mean to be "just food?" This food is possibly the most important thing in her life right now. Its what keeps her alive and growing. She depends on me for her survival. Every couple of hours she looks at me and makes what we call the "birdie face." She opens her eyes wide, opens her mouth like a baby bird and waves her fist in front of her face. She looks at me expectantly as if to say "I can has?" The look of joy on her face when I expose a breast is well . . . joyous. I willingly and happily give her my breast and she falls on it like a ravenous wolf. Its very primal. It almost seems out of place in this modern world.
I feel no shame when I nurse in front of others. My husband's buddies still come over to visit. When my baby makes the birdie face, I bring out the breast and give it to her, regardless of who happens to be in the room. I don't cover her with a blanket. If I did then I wouldn't be able to watch her eat and change from a ravenous little animal to a sleeping little angel. When she's eaten her fill she pops off the breast with milk still on her lips. She's slipped into what my friend Mitch calls her "zen state." She looks completely at peace with the universe.
How is it that this edible bodily fluid that I wasn't able to produce until a few weeks ago can wholly nourish a separate human being? How can it make her so happy? Food doesn't make me that happy, but then again, my food doesn't come from something soft and warm that loves me unconditionally. I've talked to friends who have nursed their babies and some have spoken about their resentment towards their child. They saw their infants as demanding creatures set out to devour their mothers. I don't understand that point of view. I understand so little about what I'm going through. I would call it bliss, but I don't know that I've ever experienced bliss before. I have nothing to compare this to.
This little person is a stranger. Even though I grew her inside of me, she is not me. She is herself. Completely separate yet part of me. We're just getting to know one another. She has her father's temperament. Sudden changes upset her, but not for long. She is happy most of the time. Just like her father, she is happiest in my arms. On a whim she'll change which breast she prefers. She'll refuse to nurse until I change sides. When I do, she's happy again. We work well together. She signals and I respond. It feels completely natural. I can already tell the difference between I'm hungry. I'm wet. I'm lonely. I want Dad. I want Mom. I'm sad. Consciously, I can't tell a difference in the sound of the cries, but my heart can tell the difference. I don't know how I learned it. Is it instinct?
I am consumed by something. It might be love. It might be maternal instinct. It could be lack of sleep. Its like she has always been with me. I would move mountains if I thought it would improve her well-being or mood. At the same time, I'm having a hard time imagining myself doing it again. I have what I wanted: A little girl, born normal and whole, healthy and strong, at home, with no complications for mother or baby. We have made so much progress already. Because she knows that I will respond as soon as she signals her need, there is no reason for her to cry at length, so she doesn't. She wakes once during the night to eat a bit, then its a diaper change and back to sleep. While I am happy to do these things for her, I don't know if I want to do it for another.
During pregnancy I was a frog and the physical changes were the pot of boiling water. Like the frog, I didn't realize that the water was heating up around me, threatening to boil me alive. After giving birth I realized that I didn't like being pregnant. During the pregnancy I was happy and I didn't notice the physical discomforts. They came on so slowly. I told all my friends and family how easy pregnancy was for me. Now that I'm not pregnant I realize how difficult it was. Similarly, prior to my "I want a baby" phase, I had no interest in babies. In fact, I despised them for their intemperance. Once I was in the "I want a baby" phase and pregnant, I felt that I wanted a dozen of the angelic creatures. Now that I have my baby, I remember. I hate babies. I love my daughter. I marvel at her baby toes. I love kissing her baby tummy. Every single iota of her existence is beautiful, adorable, and perfect, but my original self has returned.
Only three weeks into motherhood I find myself struggling with my dreams for the future. Do I have to have another baby? Will my husband pine for a son if we don't try again? Will my daughter feel deprived of a sibling if we don't give her one? Where will we go from here? Three is the magic number. Is that what I really want? A significant portion of myself feels no need to do it all again.
For the first time since I decided I wanted to be a mother, I am myself. I feel complete. She is a perfect fit. It all feels perfectly natural.
A man and a woman had a little baby
Yes they did
They had three in the family
And thats the magic number
Three is the Magic Number - Schoolhouse Rock
What does it mean to be "just food?" This food is possibly the most important thing in her life right now. Its what keeps her alive and growing. She depends on me for her survival. Every couple of hours she looks at me and makes what we call the "birdie face." She opens her eyes wide, opens her mouth like a baby bird and waves her fist in front of her face. She looks at me expectantly as if to say "I can has?" The look of joy on her face when I expose a breast is well . . . joyous. I willingly and happily give her my breast and she falls on it like a ravenous wolf. Its very primal. It almost seems out of place in this modern world.
I feel no shame when I nurse in front of others. My husband's buddies still come over to visit. When my baby makes the birdie face, I bring out the breast and give it to her, regardless of who happens to be in the room. I don't cover her with a blanket. If I did then I wouldn't be able to watch her eat and change from a ravenous little animal to a sleeping little angel. When she's eaten her fill she pops off the breast with milk still on her lips. She's slipped into what my friend Mitch calls her "zen state." She looks completely at peace with the universe.
How is it that this edible bodily fluid that I wasn't able to produce until a few weeks ago can wholly nourish a separate human being? How can it make her so happy? Food doesn't make me that happy, but then again, my food doesn't come from something soft and warm that loves me unconditionally. I've talked to friends who have nursed their babies and some have spoken about their resentment towards their child. They saw their infants as demanding creatures set out to devour their mothers. I don't understand that point of view. I understand so little about what I'm going through. I would call it bliss, but I don't know that I've ever experienced bliss before. I have nothing to compare this to.
This little person is a stranger. Even though I grew her inside of me, she is not me. She is herself. Completely separate yet part of me. We're just getting to know one another. She has her father's temperament. Sudden changes upset her, but not for long. She is happy most of the time. Just like her father, she is happiest in my arms. On a whim she'll change which breast she prefers. She'll refuse to nurse until I change sides. When I do, she's happy again. We work well together. She signals and I respond. It feels completely natural. I can already tell the difference between I'm hungry. I'm wet. I'm lonely. I want Dad. I want Mom. I'm sad. Consciously, I can't tell a difference in the sound of the cries, but my heart can tell the difference. I don't know how I learned it. Is it instinct?
I am consumed by something. It might be love. It might be maternal instinct. It could be lack of sleep. Its like she has always been with me. I would move mountains if I thought it would improve her well-being or mood. At the same time, I'm having a hard time imagining myself doing it again. I have what I wanted: A little girl, born normal and whole, healthy and strong, at home, with no complications for mother or baby. We have made so much progress already. Because she knows that I will respond as soon as she signals her need, there is no reason for her to cry at length, so she doesn't. She wakes once during the night to eat a bit, then its a diaper change and back to sleep. While I am happy to do these things for her, I don't know if I want to do it for another.
During pregnancy I was a frog and the physical changes were the pot of boiling water. Like the frog, I didn't realize that the water was heating up around me, threatening to boil me alive. After giving birth I realized that I didn't like being pregnant. During the pregnancy I was happy and I didn't notice the physical discomforts. They came on so slowly. I told all my friends and family how easy pregnancy was for me. Now that I'm not pregnant I realize how difficult it was. Similarly, prior to my "I want a baby" phase, I had no interest in babies. In fact, I despised them for their intemperance. Once I was in the "I want a baby" phase and pregnant, I felt that I wanted a dozen of the angelic creatures. Now that I have my baby, I remember. I hate babies. I love my daughter. I marvel at her baby toes. I love kissing her baby tummy. Every single iota of her existence is beautiful, adorable, and perfect, but my original self has returned.
Only three weeks into motherhood I find myself struggling with my dreams for the future. Do I have to have another baby? Will my husband pine for a son if we don't try again? Will my daughter feel deprived of a sibling if we don't give her one? Where will we go from here? Three is the magic number. Is that what I really want? A significant portion of myself feels no need to do it all again.
For the first time since I decided I wanted to be a mother, I am myself. I feel complete. She is a perfect fit. It all feels perfectly natural.
A man and a woman had a little baby
Yes they did
They had three in the family
And thats the magic number
Three is the Magic Number - Schoolhouse Rock
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Blacktating is a Year Old!!
Elita over at Blacktating is celebrating her one year blogiversary with a giveaway! There are seven awesome prizes she's giving away. Go check out the post to see how you can win.
Blacktating is one of my favorite breastfeeding blogs. Even though I'm not a woman of color, I find Elita's posts insightful and informative. Her blog is an example of how the blogosphere can help women speak out for whats important to them while providing an important service to mothers everwhere.
Congratulations Elita and here's to another year.
Blacktating is one of my favorite breastfeeding blogs. Even though I'm not a woman of color, I find Elita's posts insightful and informative. Her blog is an example of how the blogosphere can help women speak out for whats important to them while providing an important service to mothers everwhere.
Congratulations Elita and here's to another year.
WTF is up with SVU?
Again tonite, Law and Order: SVU's story line revolves around a mother who went outside of the accepted medical model of care to treat her daughter and when the daughter died the mother AND the doctor were both charged with her murder. SVU did this same story line a few weeks ago a with a mother who didn't vaccinate. The SVU story lines combined with the Daniel Hauser situation makes me wonder why the cultural gatekeepers are so on the ball against those that would dare go against the mainstream with medical care. I want to think and write more on the subject, but baby is grumpy. One of these days I'll get back to blogging but you know . . . three week old infant and all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Baby Progress
Whew, its been a busy 10 days.
Today was our "two week" appointment with the midwife. She's heading to France soon so we saw her a smidge early. Ten days into life, Ms. Oriana has regained her birth weight plus two ounces. She now weighs a whopping 6 lbs. 7 oz. She has stretched out another half inch to 19 1/2 inches long. We've made it through the newborn rash, the various body parts turning blue, the goopy eye, and the belly button falling off. So far mom has survived it all. Today was the first time Ms. O was exposed to a needle stick; we had her state PKU test done. I think it was harder on me than it was on her. Apparently if we don't hear anything back on the test then there's nothing to worry about.
I'm recovering fairly well from the birth. I'm still kind of sore in spots. I've taken up sitting on a bag of frozen green beans when things get a little too tender. I haven't had much lochia and the water weight is finally subsiding. When I weighed myself at the MW's today I discovered that I'm only 6lbs heavier now than when I started. I picked up my workout DVD yesterday (I do T-Tapp ) and it nearly killed me. I think I'm going to drop back to three times a week for awhile instead of the every day I was doing before the pregnancy.
So far breastfeeding is going really well. My milk came in on day three and the supply has been healthy to say the least. My left breast gets fairly engorged while my right breast seems to have a better equilibrium. When I nurse on the left side the right side runs all over the place. Baby has had no troubles latching and my nipples feel fine. I "pump until comfortable" on the left side to soften it up for baby. That usually results in me pulling off about an ounce and a half before its soft enough for her to latch. It seems like once a day is enough to straighten it out. Baby eats about every two and a half hours. She's one that likes to suck for a few minutes, quit, hang out, fall asleep, wake up, and then suck some more. She nurses for 20 to 30 minutes at a time but half of that time she's just messing around. She's has no desire to hurry.
Nighttime is fairly stress free. We've only had one night that was a disaster. On day two no one got any sleep at all. My milk hadn't come in yet, she was hungry and life sucked. Right now I nurse her down around ten o'clock. She'll sleep in her crib (we have it pushed up next to our bed) until about 1:30 or 2:00 a.m. She wakes up to nurse and I just keep her in bed with us. After that she'll sleep until 6 a.m. or better.
On Mother's Day we had our first major outing. We went to church and then ate out for lunch with the family. We had four generations present. She never made a peep during church and slept right through lunch at the crowded restaurant. On Thursday we meet with our pastor to see when she'll be baptised. Hopefully we'll get all of DH's family here from their respective domiciles.
I didn't realize that I didn't like being pregnant until after giving birth. I feel so much better now that baby is out here instead of in there. Part of me still wants scads of children but right now an even bigger part is happy with just one. I don't think anyone should be making permanent family planning decisions 10 days after giving birth to their first child, but this has definitely changed my perspective. I know that I don't want to get pregnant too soon, but I'm not sure how we want to go about preventing it. I know from experience that barrier methods aren't our cup of tea. I'm not particularly keen on the idea of going back on hormonal birth control. We're experienced with temping and monitoring fertility signals but I would be afraid of an "accident" The most viable seems to be an IUD but I have to do a lot more research before I decide. I'd like to have at least two to three years before I get pregnant again. I'm interested in further exploring my new found aversion to pregnancy.
--------
I've seen so many great articles around the net recently and when I get time (ha!) I'll address some of them, but its been a challenge even squeezing this post in. I'm still getting the hang of this whole motherhood gig. I wanted to post some pictures of Ms. O but they're on my other laptop so I'll get to that when I switch. In the meantime, I'd like some tips. I don't care if they're about breastfeeding, diapering, sleeping, laundry, whatever. Dump all of your mommy knowledge on me. I need it.
Today was our "two week" appointment with the midwife. She's heading to France soon so we saw her a smidge early. Ten days into life, Ms. Oriana has regained her birth weight plus two ounces. She now weighs a whopping 6 lbs. 7 oz. She has stretched out another half inch to 19 1/2 inches long. We've made it through the newborn rash, the various body parts turning blue, the goopy eye, and the belly button falling off. So far mom has survived it all. Today was the first time Ms. O was exposed to a needle stick; we had her state PKU test done. I think it was harder on me than it was on her. Apparently if we don't hear anything back on the test then there's nothing to worry about.
I'm recovering fairly well from the birth. I'm still kind of sore in spots. I've taken up sitting on a bag of frozen green beans when things get a little too tender. I haven't had much lochia and the water weight is finally subsiding. When I weighed myself at the MW's today I discovered that I'm only 6lbs heavier now than when I started. I picked up my workout DVD yesterday (I do T-Tapp ) and it nearly killed me. I think I'm going to drop back to three times a week for awhile instead of the every day I was doing before the pregnancy.
So far breastfeeding is going really well. My milk came in on day three and the supply has been healthy to say the least. My left breast gets fairly engorged while my right breast seems to have a better equilibrium. When I nurse on the left side the right side runs all over the place. Baby has had no troubles latching and my nipples feel fine. I "pump until comfortable" on the left side to soften it up for baby. That usually results in me pulling off about an ounce and a half before its soft enough for her to latch. It seems like once a day is enough to straighten it out. Baby eats about every two and a half hours. She's one that likes to suck for a few minutes, quit, hang out, fall asleep, wake up, and then suck some more. She nurses for 20 to 30 minutes at a time but half of that time she's just messing around. She's has no desire to hurry.
Nighttime is fairly stress free. We've only had one night that was a disaster. On day two no one got any sleep at all. My milk hadn't come in yet, she was hungry and life sucked. Right now I nurse her down around ten o'clock. She'll sleep in her crib (we have it pushed up next to our bed) until about 1:30 or 2:00 a.m. She wakes up to nurse and I just keep her in bed with us. After that she'll sleep until 6 a.m. or better.
On Mother's Day we had our first major outing. We went to church and then ate out for lunch with the family. We had four generations present. She never made a peep during church and slept right through lunch at the crowded restaurant. On Thursday we meet with our pastor to see when she'll be baptised. Hopefully we'll get all of DH's family here from their respective domiciles.
I didn't realize that I didn't like being pregnant until after giving birth. I feel so much better now that baby is out here instead of in there. Part of me still wants scads of children but right now an even bigger part is happy with just one. I don't think anyone should be making permanent family planning decisions 10 days after giving birth to their first child, but this has definitely changed my perspective. I know that I don't want to get pregnant too soon, but I'm not sure how we want to go about preventing it. I know from experience that barrier methods aren't our cup of tea. I'm not particularly keen on the idea of going back on hormonal birth control. We're experienced with temping and monitoring fertility signals but I would be afraid of an "accident" The most viable seems to be an IUD but I have to do a lot more research before I decide. I'd like to have at least two to three years before I get pregnant again. I'm interested in further exploring my new found aversion to pregnancy.
--------
I've seen so many great articles around the net recently and when I get time (ha!) I'll address some of them, but its been a challenge even squeezing this post in. I'm still getting the hang of this whole motherhood gig. I wanted to post some pictures of Ms. O but they're on my other laptop so I'll get to that when I switch. In the meantime, I'd like some tips. I don't care if they're about breastfeeding, diapering, sleeping, laundry, whatever. Dump all of your mommy knowledge on me. I need it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
I promise I'll get a post together here soon. Being a new mother is kinda time consuming ;)
I promise I'll get a post together here soon. Being a new mother is kinda time consuming ;)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Birth Story - Oriana Violet
Over the past few weeks we’ve been discussing when we should have the baby. We tried the castor oil on Sunday April 26 to no avail. Baby just wasn’t ready. The consensus was that baby could show up at any time, EXCEPT on Saturday May 2. My head midwife’s daughters had dance and piano recitals. Her assistant had to sing at a memorial service. The backup midwife’s brother was getting married. My labor support’s daughter had a dance recital. Everyone had plans. Around 4:30 in the morning on Saturday May 2. I woke up and went to the bathroom. When I lay back down I realized that the pillow I keep between my legs at night was damp. I took it to the bathroom with me I noticed that the corner was wet and there was some bloody show on the pillow case. I wasn’t sure if my water had broken or not so I called the midwife. She didn’t sound really happy, but she basically said go back to bed. I was fine with that. I had been having a few contractions but nothing too serious.
About 15 minutes after being in bed I had a really good contraction and I felt this sensation like the LO had punched me, really hard. I literally sat up in bed and said “What the hell was that?!” I stood up and it was obvious. My water had broken. It poured out of me and onto the bedroom floor. It was clear with a little vernix floating in it. I called the midwife and told her that my water had definitely broken. I don’t remember what she said.
From that point on I had good, regular, strong contractions. They started out about 6 minutes apart and lasted about a minute and a half. At around seven a.m. I called the midwife again to report that contractions were under five minutes apart and lasting about 90 seconds. She said they would head out. A little before ten a.m. my midwife and her two assistants showed up. When they checked me I was dilated to 4 cm.
Over the next two hours the contractions were consistently strong and I labored on the toilet. I vomited frequently. I couldn’t take the contractions lying down. I had to move. The pressure in my pelvis was enough that I couldn’t sit in a chair. I had to be either on the toilet or on the birth chair. At 12:30 I had dilated to 7 cm. We thought we would be done by early afternoon and the midwives would be able to get back to their home base and go to all of their stuff. . . yeah right.
I was starting to get tired and my dilation had slowed significantly. I hadn’t eaten, I couldn’t keep anything down. I was off in what I’ve heard people call “labor land.” I was only focusing on the contractions. I did a lot of moaning. Around 2:30 I decided to take a shower. DH got in there with me and the warm water really helped. It also slowed my contractions from 1 to 2 minutes apart back to 6 minutes. I was able to nap in between them.
My midwife started to get antsy. She wanted to get the birth over with so she could be at her daughters’ recital. I’m not sure what time it was but she gave me some B&B cohosh to get things going again. It didn’t take long and my 1 to 2 minute contractions were back in full force. Around 4:00 she decided we should transfer to her house . . . 2 hours away. I consented; I really didn’t care where I had the baby at that point. By 4:45 we were in the car and heading out. It became apparent early on that I wasn’t going to be able to handle two hours in a car. We got less than 10 miles out of town and I insisted we turn back. The midwife was PISSED.
During the manual dilation
When we got back to the house they checked me and I had been stuck at 7 cm for 5 hours. The midwife decided that we needed to “help” my cervix along. That meant that I had either her or her assistant manually dilating my cervix through each contraction. That’s the only time I felt any real pain. That was at 5:30. It took half an hour of stretching for me to get as close to complete as I was going to. I had an anterior lip that wouldn’t budge. Around 6 p.m. I started to push through the lip. Pushing did not hurt. Having that anterior lip pushed over baby’s head did hurt. I could feel the baby moving down and I wanted to get it over with. I had to be told to wait for a contraction to push. I had to be told to slow down. I was ready to blast that baby out. She came with her nuchal hand just like I knew she would. At 6:37 p.m. our little Oriana came into the world. Right now she’s sleeping beside me with her hand up at her ear.
Once she was out she didn’t breathe right away. Her eyes were open and she was looking around. She had pooped a bit on the way out but not before. The MW had Jake tell the baby to breathe, and she did. The cord was short enough so that I had to be careful how I held her. They cut the cord when it stopped pulsing. We then started working on the placenta. The assistant MW tugged on the cord to see if the placenta had separated and the cord came off. (!) I heard the head MW tell her assistant “Its not your fault, there’s something wrong with the insertion.” That’s also when we noticed the true knot in the cord. Thankfully, I didn’t bleed but we still needed to get the placenta out. At ten minutes past seven the MW announced that either I push out the placenta or she goes in after it. I pushed it out. That’s when we discovered the velamentous insertion. There was no visible insertion site on the placenta but you could see on the membranes where the veins had been. The placenta was also a lot smaller than anyone expected. If I had to guess it was about 75% of normal size. It was about the size of a salad plate. We’re very blessed that Oriana is here and doing well. We could have lost her at any time during the pregnancy. None of the cord or placental issues were discovered by my backup OB who was constantly looking for excuses for me to have the baby in the hospital. If we had given birth in the hospital and had any number of interventions without them knowing about the cord issues, we could have lost our little girl. By the grace of God we didn’t.
First attempt
So, how do I feel about all of this.
My midwife was more interventative than I wanted her to be. I would have liked to not have been “on the clock.” Her trying to push my labor along to get to her daughters’ recital was no different than a doctor doing the same thing to get home in time for dinner. The main difference was that 1) she ended up missing her recitals anyhow and 2) I didn’t end up with abdominal surgery. The MW did cop an attitude after the whole transfer bit, but that didn’t bug me. I was too busy laboring and besides, I pooped on her. I think if I wasn’t as strong willed as I am that it would have ruined the experience, but it didn’t.
Close to the end I did everything that everyone says you will. I begged to be taken to the hospital. I wanted drugs. I wanted to give up. I wanted to be somewhere else. I said “I can’t.” To my midwife’s credit she said, “Yes you can,” and “I’m not missing those recitals for nothing! You’re having this baby!” She kept me on task. She had me cry out to Jesus. When I asked her what caused my cervix to not dilate on its own she said “Sin.” Ahh, the joys of an uber religious midwife.
Ultimately I had the birth I wanted. I gave birth to a healthy baby at home. I went through 14 hours of labor with no drugs. I pushed a baby out of my vagina. It wasn’t perfect. My midwife was a bit of a bitch, but that’s just her. I paid her to help me get a baby out of my body the way God intended and that’s what she did. I have no scars, my perineum is intact, (not even a scratch!) my baby wasn’t drugged, and we’ve been breastfeeding since the start. Labor was harder than I imagined, but it wasn’t the pain that was difficult. It was the work my body was doing. I’m still not able to describe it. The whole thing seems a little unreal. I’m looking at this baby sleeping next to me and it seems like she’s always been here. Even the kitties have taken it in stride. Physically I feel fine, though I’m still a little tired. I’ve been saying that I don’t yet feel ready to run a mile and I’d prefer not to go through all of it again tomorrow, but it wasn’t that bad.
My body is slowly returning to normal. My fat feet aren’t as fat and I can wear my wedding rings again. My breasts are gigantic and my tummy looks like a deflated flan. I've had very little lochia. During labor, DH and my BFF were invaluable. They loved me through it and I couldn’t have done it without them. I’m blissfully happy. This tiny baby is such a blessing. I can’t imagine things being any other way. DH and I have been talking about the birth and how we feel about it and we’ve decided that we wouldn’t have it any other way. For us, having this baby at home, in our own bedroom was the way to go. If we do this again, which we probably will in a year or two, we’ll likely go the same route, though I’m not sure if I’d use the same midwife again.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Quick Update
I'm finally dressed in people clothing. I gave up my pink nightgown with cats on it a few hours ago. Baby is doing well but there has been a learning curve for all three of us. Night before last she didn't sleep . . . . at all. All she wanted to do was nurse and cry. Part of the problem was the fact that we had no idea what to do. She got so agitated that she couldn't calm down. Finally around seven in the morning she gave up and fell asleep. We all got to sleep until about noon and had a pretty good day. Last night we had a plan. We went to bed early and when she cried I'd nurse her and change her, then if she started fussing DH would soothe her. It worked and we all got a lot more sleep. She will sleep for about two and a half hours at a time. I think if we can keep up doing what we did last night then by the time DH goes back to work in a few weeks things should be easier on everyone.
My milk is slowly coming in. Today its more than just colostrum, but I haven't had anything resembling the let-down reflex. My nipples are a little sore from all the nursing but its nothing serious. So long as we latch well it doesn't bother me. DH picked up some Lanisoh yesterday and that has made a world of difference.
For some reason it hasn't been more than 60 degrees outside since Baby O was born. Cold in May . . . it would figure. I've been dressing her in all kinds of clothes but she still gets cold. Her temp has been stable when we do vitals but her little nose and fingers get chilly. Last night she presented with a good case of newborn rash. I of course freaked out, DH called the midwife so she could reassure us. Her umbilical cord is drying up nicely but today I noticed its a little damp at the base. We've been using golden seal powder at each diaper change to aid the process. It doesn't look like it has many days left.
DH is so good with her. We take turns at night soothing and changing. He loves to hold her, kiss her, pet her, snuggle her etc. He's been wonderful support. Baby and Mommy are very lucky to have him.
Birth story will be forthcoming, I'm thinking I'll do my perspective and then have DH do his. I'm interested to see how he felt about it all. I'll also get some more pics up. LO is fussing so its time for some lunch.
My milk is slowly coming in. Today its more than just colostrum, but I haven't had anything resembling the let-down reflex. My nipples are a little sore from all the nursing but its nothing serious. So long as we latch well it doesn't bother me. DH picked up some Lanisoh yesterday and that has made a world of difference.
For some reason it hasn't been more than 60 degrees outside since Baby O was born. Cold in May . . . it would figure. I've been dressing her in all kinds of clothes but she still gets cold. Her temp has been stable when we do vitals but her little nose and fingers get chilly. Last night she presented with a good case of newborn rash. I of course freaked out, DH called the midwife so she could reassure us. Her umbilical cord is drying up nicely but today I noticed its a little damp at the base. We've been using golden seal powder at each diaper change to aid the process. It doesn't look like it has many days left.
DH is so good with her. We take turns at night soothing and changing. He loves to hold her, kiss her, pet her, snuggle her etc. He's been wonderful support. Baby and Mommy are very lucky to have him.
Birth story will be forthcoming, I'm thinking I'll do my perspective and then have DH do his. I'm interested to see how he felt about it all. I'll also get some more pics up. LO is fussing so its time for some lunch.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Our Oriana
We had a really good first night. Baby slept well and is nursing well. We definitely need some practice latching but thankfully I've got a good friend thats a lactation specialist. She's was with us during the birth and she's coming by later today. Just a few facts about the birth:
I was in labor for about 15 hours. Thats fairly normal for a first time mom. It took FOREVER for me to dilate and I never did get rid of a decent anterior lip on the cervix. The pushing stage lasted about an hour according to DH, who for the record, needs some sort of award for being a supportive husband. That man did everything right at all the right times.
When baby arrived she was alert but not breathing. It took her a minute to perk up but we didn't need any oxygen or resuscitation. Baby was born with a nuchal hand, just like I knew she would be. In every single sonogram she was holding onto that ear with her left hand. Sure enough it was still there at delivery. You can hear me on the video saying "I knew it!" when the MW announced "We've got a nuchal hand!"
Now for the scary part. The umbilical cord was fairly short and the placenta was small. We had both a true knot and a velamentous cord insertion. You can find some basic info on the conditions here. Neither condition was diagnosed in any of the four ultrasounds we had. I looked back at the reports earlier this morning and all three ultrasounds where they checked the cord, they labeled it as normal. If they had identified it then I would have been "encouraged" to have an "elective" c-section. If I had given birth in the hospital without them knowing about the cord abnormalities and they had broken my water, there would be a good chance that baby would have either hemorrhaged or suffocated. I honestly feel that because I went into labor on my own and everything proceeded according to nature we have avoided serious consequences. Both conditions are associated with a high rate of pregnancy loss throughout gestation and delivery if everything doesn't go well. We've got a little miracle on our hands.
Its going to take a few days for me to process everything that happened yesterday. Once I get a birth story together then I'll post it. For now, here is our little miracle. The golden one, Ms. Oriana.
I was in labor for about 15 hours. Thats fairly normal for a first time mom. It took FOREVER for me to dilate and I never did get rid of a decent anterior lip on the cervix. The pushing stage lasted about an hour according to DH, who for the record, needs some sort of award for being a supportive husband. That man did everything right at all the right times.
When baby arrived she was alert but not breathing. It took her a minute to perk up but we didn't need any oxygen or resuscitation. Baby was born with a nuchal hand, just like I knew she would be. In every single sonogram she was holding onto that ear with her left hand. Sure enough it was still there at delivery. You can hear me on the video saying "I knew it!" when the MW announced "We've got a nuchal hand!"
Now for the scary part. The umbilical cord was fairly short and the placenta was small. We had both a true knot and a velamentous cord insertion. You can find some basic info on the conditions here. Neither condition was diagnosed in any of the four ultrasounds we had. I looked back at the reports earlier this morning and all three ultrasounds where they checked the cord, they labeled it as normal. If they had identified it then I would have been "encouraged" to have an "elective" c-section. If I had given birth in the hospital without them knowing about the cord abnormalities and they had broken my water, there would be a good chance that baby would have either hemorrhaged or suffocated. I honestly feel that because I went into labor on my own and everything proceeded according to nature we have avoided serious consequences. Both conditions are associated with a high rate of pregnancy loss throughout gestation and delivery if everything doesn't go well. We've got a little miracle on our hands.
Its going to take a few days for me to process everything that happened yesterday. Once I get a birth story together then I'll post it. For now, here is our little miracle. The golden one, Ms. Oriana.
And sang the shepherds and nymphs of Diana, Long Live Fair Oriana! -
"The Triumphs of Oriana, 1601."
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Its a Girl!
Its a girl! Oriana Violet. Born at home, no complications. 6lbs 5oz. 19inches long. 6:37 p.m. today 
Today is the day!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning with a pretty "business like" contraction. I stayed in bed until about 4:30 when I went to the bathroom. When I got up, I noticed the pillow keep between my legs at night was wet and had some bloody show on it. I called the midwife to tell her *she is two hours away.* I didn't know if my water had broken or not. She told me to go back to bed and call her if things changed. About 15 minutes later I had a whopper of a contraction and something that felt like the LO punching me. It made me go "what the hell was that!?" which finally woke up DH. I sat up on the side of the bed and whoosh! it was my water! Nice and clear with a little vernix in it.
I called the midwife again. All week she has been telling me "Any day but Saturday!" She has tons of stuff going on today. Its also my birth assistant's daughter's dance recital today. The MW told me to go back to bed and we'll talk later in the morning. DH and I put the kitties in the basement and made up the birth bed. I tried to go back to sleep but I can't take the contractions laying down. I have to be up walking, swaying, just about anything. They're about 6ish minutes apart and last for a minute to a minute and a half. I've already ditched the "mommy diaper" and my clothing. I'm sitting naked on a birth ball right now with a towel over it so I don't get it all slippery. DH is in bed, hopefully sleeping. He was a little agitated about the situation, but thats just him. Right now I feel fine, the contractions are intense but do-able. Baby is active and DH got an ear on her heart tones before he went back to bed. . . . Heh . . . I lost my next sentence because I had to stop for a contraction. Right now I have to bend over, stick my butt in the air and sway. I feel fine between them. I think we're having a baby today!
Oh yeah, and the Wolverine movie . . . well . . . lets just say its tough to be a comic book geek.
I called the midwife again. All week she has been telling me "Any day but Saturday!" She has tons of stuff going on today. Its also my birth assistant's daughter's dance recital today. The MW told me to go back to bed and we'll talk later in the morning. DH and I put the kitties in the basement and made up the birth bed. I tried to go back to sleep but I can't take the contractions laying down. I have to be up walking, swaying, just about anything. They're about 6ish minutes apart and last for a minute to a minute and a half. I've already ditched the "mommy diaper" and my clothing. I'm sitting naked on a birth ball right now with a towel over it so I don't get it all slippery. DH is in bed, hopefully sleeping. He was a little agitated about the situation, but thats just him. Right now I feel fine, the contractions are intense but do-able. Baby is active and DH got an ear on her heart tones before he went back to bed. . . . Heh . . . I lost my next sentence because I had to stop for a contraction. Right now I have to bend over, stick my butt in the air and sway. I feel fine between them. I think we're having a baby today!
Oh yeah, and the Wolverine movie . . . well . . . lets just say its tough to be a comic book geek.
Friday, May 1, 2009
40w1d
Today I am 40w1d. Yesterday we jotted over to the midwife's and checked everything out. Baby is doing fine. I have fat feet and I'm grumpy, but otherwise I'm ok. She put me on niacin for my blood pressure and it has brought it down. Yay! I monitor it myself once a day and so long as it stays down then there is no reason to do anything to encourage baby to show up. The LO is all lined up and ready to go, its just a matter of when. This morning when I went to the potty I lost my mucus plug and had a pretty pink bloody show. I was pretty excited about that, BUT, now I want baby to hold off because DH and I have a date tonite. We're going to be comic book nerds and go see the new Wolverine flick. DH and his coworkers have all decided Sunday is going to be the day. Thats dandy with me.
Over at Crunchy Domestic Goddess there is a post about the death of Janet Fraser's baby after a free birth, or unassisted childbirth (UC). The story has been festering for awhile mainly because Fraser is a home birth advocate. Apparently, if you're a home birth advocate and your baby dies, its your fault, but if you have a hospital birth then you did everything you could. Right? Anyhow, thats NOT what the blogger at CDG is saying, but the comments are getting interesting.
Now, I've said before that I've played with the idea of having a UC but ultimately we decided to have midwives present. However, I can completely understand the mindset of those who decide on UC, though the ones that would rather "trust birth" than take a CPR class kind of worry me. What I don't understand is those out there who out of hand dismiss women who decide this. There is one commenter over at CDG who, in response to my favorite Emily writes:
The last part of the quote really gets me. Anyone who embarks on the road to a homebirth quickly finds out how difficult it really is to have one, legally. Not only that, but the commenter seems to believe that hospitals hand out VBACs like candy. I stated in my reply that where I live a woman would have to drive five, possibly six hours to be allowed an attempt at a VBAC. Is that really an example of having the "choice" available? In one sense I'm lucky. My state does not license CPMs however, they have a state supreme court ruling protecting them. Because of that they can still attend VBACs, breeches, and twins out of hospital. My midwife explained the other day that they want nothing to do with licensing because then they would be restricted in who they can attend.
I think the main reason this commenter got me so riled up is because its an example of what women are up against. There is an entire culture out there that believes that women's bodies are somehow broken and that our most basic biological function is dangerous to us and our children. They don't believe that a woman who has never given birth before can have any sense of how to do it and that women must be saved by the nice young men in their clean white coats. Yes things can happen in birth, I don't think that there are many women out there that aren't prepared for that eventuality, the difference is, do you believe that birth is a disaster waiting to happen, or is it a natural, physiologic event that has been perfected over millions of years of evolution?
Over at Crunchy Domestic Goddess there is a post about the death of Janet Fraser's baby after a free birth, or unassisted childbirth (UC). The story has been festering for awhile mainly because Fraser is a home birth advocate. Apparently, if you're a home birth advocate and your baby dies, its your fault, but if you have a hospital birth then you did everything you could. Right? Anyhow, thats NOT what the blogger at CDG is saying, but the comments are getting interesting.
Now, I've said before that I've played with the idea of having a UC but ultimately we decided to have midwives present. However, I can completely understand the mindset of those who decide on UC, though the ones that would rather "trust birth" than take a CPR class kind of worry me. What I don't understand is those out there who out of hand dismiss women who decide this. There is one commenter over at CDG who, in response to my favorite Emily writes:
"It is interesting to learn that women are willing to go to the extreme of an unassisted birth for something like a VBAC when a licensed doctor or midwife could attend to her. That seems even more risky than what I was alluding to earlier. Just out of curiousity (sic), in what states are VBACs unavailable? In what states are midwife assisted births illegal?"
The last part of the quote really gets me. Anyone who embarks on the road to a homebirth quickly finds out how difficult it really is to have one, legally. Not only that, but the commenter seems to believe that hospitals hand out VBACs like candy. I stated in my reply that where I live a woman would have to drive five, possibly six hours to be allowed an attempt at a VBAC. Is that really an example of having the "choice" available? In one sense I'm lucky. My state does not license CPMs however, they have a state supreme court ruling protecting them. Because of that they can still attend VBACs, breeches, and twins out of hospital. My midwife explained the other day that they want nothing to do with licensing because then they would be restricted in who they can attend.
I think the main reason this commenter got me so riled up is because its an example of what women are up against. There is an entire culture out there that believes that women's bodies are somehow broken and that our most basic biological function is dangerous to us and our children. They don't believe that a woman who has never given birth before can have any sense of how to do it and that women must be saved by the nice young men in their clean white coats. Yes things can happen in birth, I don't think that there are many women out there that aren't prepared for that eventuality, the difference is, do you believe that birth is a disaster waiting to happen, or is it a natural, physiologic event that has been perfected over millions of years of evolution?
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