As many of you know, we co-sleep with our daughter. Her crib is right by our bed with the gate down. I nurse on cue at night and we often find ourselves falling asleep next to one another for awhile before she gets put back in her bed. I like the convenience of the situation. She wakes twice at night to nurse and recently, with her teething, it has been helpful for me to be able to comfort her before she completely wakes up so we don't have nighttime drama. DH rarely wakes up because of my night time ministrations, but this morning he announced that he thinks its time we move the Birdie into her own room.
dun, dun, duuuuuun.
DH thinks that having the baby in our room is ruining our sex life. (Isn't that what the dads always think?) In some measure it is. I'm not comfortable doing certain things in front of the Birdie. DH thinks that she's too little to be traumatized but I just can't get on board with that. We used to have a pretty . . . colorful . . . sex life but since having a baby, that has been put on the shelf for a more vanilla and G-rated relationship. I like to call it hardcore snuggling, he calls it not getting any. Of course we're creative with naptime and there are other places in the house besides the bedroom, but he's missing what we used to have. In some measure I am too.
So what are we going to do?
On one hand, I'm sure Birdie would do fine in her own room. She's a pretty secure little girl. She goes to sleep easily in her own crib. I don't think it would take much to make the transition. We would just move the crib. On the other hand, I don't know if I'm ready. I love our nighttime snuggling and nursing. She's usually fast asleep when DH and I go to bed so we have a good hour or two of adult time before she wakes for her first nursing session. DH is usually asleep by then. I feel the schedule and arrangement is working, but he's telling me its not.
For one thing, its nice to be able to nurse her while she's not completely awake. That means she goes right back to sleep and there is little disruption involved. Right now because she is so close, I wake up a few seconds before she does and one or two whimpers and its over with. I'm afraid that if she were in her own room, she would have to wake up more, and make more noise, to get my attention and bring me to her. Then I imagine we would nurse in the rocking chair and I'd have to get her back to sleep and put back down. All I'm seeing right now is more work for me.
Another thing is that, as I said before, she's a pretty secure little girl. I don't want to ruin that. I feel she is as secure as she is because of the attachment parenting. I don't want to undo everything we've worked for so far by making the transition too early. We decided against our dream vacation in order to do whats best for her. I almost feel that this situation falls under the same category.
DH is suffering from new dad syndrome. I'm not completely his anymore. Most of the time, when we go to bed, I'm so exhausted from my 18 hour day that I just want to fall asleep. He sleeps through the entire night; Birdie and I do not. Regardless of the fact that we don't do alot of work at night, I'm still losing rest. I'm only running on about 70% on any given day. That will change as time goes on but for now, she's still little and its going to be this way for awhile. DH is usually on board with anything I want to do, but I don't want him to resent our nighttime situation. One of his reasons for wanting the Birdie moved was that he doesn't want a two-year-old sleeping with us. He's afraid that if we don't transition while she's little, then we'll never get her out of our bed.
I'm not sure what to do. Moving Birdie would definitely create more work for me and I would be losing more sleep. I've asked him to give me a week to decide. For now I need input. How old were your LO's before you moved them to their own room? How did you help your other half get over new dad syndrome? What worked for you?
You know what I'd suggest? Start her out for her first sleep in her own room (leaving you and dh time to be uninhibited together) and then bring her in your room for the rest of the night once she wakes up for the first time. If you need a second crib--one for her room, one for yours--they're easy to find secondhand for really cheap. Or use a twin-size mattress on the floor next to your bed for her. Voila! Sex life improved, cosleeping continued for the most part, and everyone happy with the arrangement.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter slept in our room (a combination of her crib or our bed) until about 18 months, then she went in her own room. My son, 4 months old right now, starts in his crib next to our bed and once he wakes up at night to nurse, comes in bed for the rest of the night. I'll probably do something similar for him, depending on what works best for both of us.
I just found your blog through another one so I've never commented before.
ReplyDeleteI have 3 kids and with each one they slept in the bed with me for the first month and a half at least and then in the bassinet in our room until they are about 3.5 to 4 months.
It was kind of strange actually, at first they wouldn't sleep well without being close to me, but by 3-4 months they wouldn't sleep as well WITH me. My 6 month old will sleep through the night now, but only if she is in her own bed and her own room.
New dad syndrome is a tricky one though. I think we're still working on that one 4 years after our first baby was born. I usually just dedicate a few nights a week to daddy time, after the kids are asleep I'll set aside some time just for him. It definitely helps to have all of the kids in another room so we don't have to worry about waking anybody up.
I'm definitely with you on not wanting to give up your routine because it's hard to give up the little rest you do get when daddy gets to sleep through all of it. I think that if she is sleeping in her own crib already she'll be fine in another room as well and maybe she'll be like my kids and actually sleep better when she's away from your room. Good luck with it all.
Our 2 year old recently moved into his own bed, for real, after several failed experiments. We have a 2 month old so clearly we were able to have sex at least once. The baby does as yours does-- next to the bed and then in next to me at some point. We had both kids in the bed but that was crowded.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of having her start in her own room. Many families do that. And it seems like she is a good candidate.
And my husband is the one who resisted moving the older one (although he is an ill child and still has someone in bed with him when he is hospitalized). And just like you don't start out nursing a toddler, you don't start out sleeping with one.
About the sex: you have a baby. That's the biggest CB there is. But it will get better.
My 1st daughter moved into her own room when she was 2, but that being said, my giving you advice on this topic is laughable because my husband and I don't even sleep in the same room anyway. (he snores and I'm an axious/light sleeper). BUT! That being said, we still have a great sex life because we don't have sex around going to bed together. We have sex in different rooms at different times of the day and week. All you need to do is get creative. One of the above suggestions of putting her to bed in a differnt room and then bringing her back to bed with you when she wakes up later in the night could be a good idea too.
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